AB-Solute Sexiness!
August 27, 2013 Every now and then I start thinking maybe I should diet. This is because, according to every piece of media everywhere, I am not a man until I have abs. And while I've never seen my abs, I assume they're around here somewhere - possibly hiding under 37 years of extra cheese.
Luckily, I work at Cake Wrecks and so have a handy guide as to what my abs will look like during the dieting process.
First, after losing my initial cheese-ton of weight, I'll probably just have a lot of extra loose skin:
;)
My sexiness will have begun.
Then, after hundreds and hundreds of hours in the gym, I will develop the coveted "3 pack:"
;)
"Look into my pectoral eyes, and weep at my chiseled beauty. WEEP, I SAY."
Which will soon begin to divide...
;)
...and look mildly shocked at being discovered.
Later, after countless thousands more hours in the gym and a steady diet of kale and corn husks, my abs will really start to spread out:
;)
Like Twinkies under a blanket.
Mmmm Twinkies...
And finally, after years of neverending, staggering misery, I will be able to bask in the glory of my oh-so-sexy new abs:
;)
Like Brad Pitt, only better.
And a little more lopsided.
[head tilt]
Huh.
You know, on second thought, I think my abs are happy where they are.
Right, guys?
;)
Right.
Now, who wants Twinkies?
Thanks to Ashlee, Brandi H., Solveig, Anony M., Stephanie S., & Stephanie A. for presenting their bodies of evidence... and for sharing the snack cakes. [hint hint]
Reader Comments (67)
Sung to "ABC" by the Jackson 5
A-B see? It's eating
One less Twinkie
Then goodbye to doughy me
A-B see? Less Twinkies?
Nah, I'm fine with me. Sure.
I can't get over how much some of these ab cakes look like the face of a monkey (or ET...phone home...). Also, what is the third cake supposed to say? Til Mor? Jil Mor? Jil Mar?
Is it just me, or does that second cake look like Homer Simpson?
#2 looks like a monkey.
#3 looks like Voldemort (Sorceror's Stone version, when he was on the back of Quirrel's head).
The British fellow seems to be missing something. Please tell me I'm not the only one who noticed.
According to my 3-year-old, these cakes look like either: potatoes, a bone, shrimp, and (the very last one) a tummy.
Nailed it!
I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees a monkey staring at me. Especially when looking at the "three-pack" cake.
"Like Twinkies under a blanket." [snicker] (Dang, now I'm hungry for Snickers.)
No. 2 definitely looks like Homer Simpson. As for Mr. Twinkie Ribs, I'm glad that you told me those were abs. I would never have guessed that.
If #5 is supposed to be 50 shades...
I think I'll stick with black & white
Yikes!
Cake #2 definitely looks like Homer Simpson's face!
No, Julie R., it's not just you. All I could see was Homer emerging from a torso like the creature in Alien.
Love, love, love the jingle, Sharyn. I could see little MJ dancing to it... shirtless. :-O I may never get that image out of my mind. :-/
I see Homer Simpson in the drakes, too! "Mmmmmmmmm. Doughnuts......" ...in my best Homer voice.
Oh, and Til Mor, I believe, means "For my mother." Mother's day cake? LOL
Can you please ask those cakes to stop staring at me, it gives me the willies...
OMG one of the funniest commentaries ever!!! My husband and I were laughing hysterically and just about died when the abs separated, lol. Thanks for the belly laugh (heh.)
john (thoj) -- I, too, have periodically thought about my six-pack (no, not the one in the frige). Once, for a couple of weeks, I even spent an hour a day on the treadmill, but didn't enjoy it -- and I can't imaging how much less I would have enjoyed it if I had ever turned it on. And then I got to thinking -- why am I doing this? Why do I want to expose my abs AND RISK DAMAGING THEM? They are covered for a reason : protection. Once I had this epiphany, I felt so much better; in fact, I felt even more determined to keep them safe so I have been slowly adding more protection over the years. When it comes to your body, what's more important than ab safety? So thank you for that instructional post. Now, off to take care of that six-pack in the fridge. And to have a Twinkie, or, as I call them, "a man's ab's best friend."
(Also, for some strange reason, I have a strong urge to call home.....)
*gigglesnort* and LOL to sharyn :D
1. Smiling, pink teddy bear with some loose, saggy-chin-skin issues (but cute knitted undies)!
2. Apprehensive, British monkey Olympian (swimming event) apprehensively wearing his country's emblem.
3. Another (!?) monkey-ish, albino, E.T.-type alien, possibly suffering from goiter.
4. Awww...just murried...and so soon after the tractor accident, too!
5. Oooo....nothin' says "sexay" like handcuffs, unzipped pants, and a tie thrown aside in the heat of passion like...like...WHAT the bleedin' Hell ARE those two shoe-sized things parked there? Giant pink slugs? Someone inside the guy trying to kick his way OUT?
=^O.0^= I give up!
6. E.T., GET your creepy sausage-paw hands OFF me, and Go HOME.
=^e.e^=
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
@Elissa: I wouldn't let a 3-yr.-old look at these things! They could cause nightmares! Or, at the very least, jump-start a craving for junk food...
=^-.-^= ((mmm...just close you eyes and eat...))
#1 Oh! Oh! That one Bugs Bunny where Gossamer was a cheerleader! See, the blue things are pom-poms, and...no? Gossamer was never a cheerleader? Ok, what is it, then?
#2 Definitely Homer. Not sure how the British, er, uh, thingamy ties in, though.
#3 Extraterrestrial Homer, with his, uh, Adam's apple thoughtfully concealed.
#4 If "Twinkies in a Blanket" isn't already a 'thing', I'm sure it will be, sometime later today. Just mix up a gallon of pancake batter. Then arrange a half-dozen Twinkies in a pan, cover with the batter and bake. If anyone asks why you would do that, tell them you saw it on Cake Wrecks and could not rest until you tried it.
#5 Have these wreckorators never seen ... handcuffs? Or a tie? I mean, really.
#6 I don't know where to even start. When you consider how many units of medical-type courses one has to have under one's belt just to cut hair, you wonder -- I do, anyway -- why wreckorators aren't required to pass one simple anatomy & physiology class before being allowed to make torso cakes.
I hate the monkey-face cakes, they are SO creepy. And Twinkie-abs, wow if you hadn't told me that was supposed to a torso I do not think I would have guessed.
And am I the only one who thinks the "50 Shades" cake looks like some kind of weird tortoise shell? Like maybe he's morphing into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Homer Simpson was wearing a British bandana....DUH! #2 was obviously supposed to be part of some sort of British celebration day. We just missed it. :/ Yeah....we missed it ..... :/
#2 is totally a googly-eyed Yoda, and #3 looks like a shocked E.T. ... or maybe Watto.
BB, Miami, I definitely noticed that the British swimmer was missing something. I thought "Wow, that is dedication to aerodynamics!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *takes a breath* HAHAHAHAHA! I love this so much.
The "Mildly Shocked" abs are marginally close to anatomically correct. I'm marginally close to slightly impressed.
Reading along, thinking, "Boy, I sure hope this is John writing, unless Jen has something she wishes to share with the rest of the class!"
Here's to nice big belly cakes.
@BB, Miami, you are not alone. It's either tucked or missing....or well, I don't have anymore alternatives.
I really wish all the nipples would stop staring, it's disconcerting.
The belly-button on the first one is so dingy. I wish they would concentrate on cleaning it instead of working on their abs. I wouldn't want those blue pantaloons to get dirty. Mel, I think Ab Safety should be taught in schools.
I looked at nº 2 and also thought it was Homer Simpson, but after seeing nº 3 I realised it was E.T. A pale variety. Why a mum would like a pale E.T. cake is beyond my understanding (the Danish/Norwegian text says "For Mother").
I think cakes 2 and 3 look like E.T. tried to make a landing and missed, and now he's completely shocked and confused about how he's now going to phone home.
One of the best things about being over the age of 50 is that you realize some things in life just aren't important anymore. Six-pack abs is (are?) one of those things. Not on me, and not on any male I may potentially date or hang out with. Go for the last cake, John!
Perhaps I'm the only one seeing a menorah in cake #1, just with an extra candle?
#1 Menorah abs in ruffly jazz dance shorts
#2 earless bald monkey with thick neck wears British scarf
#3 if E.T. and Jay Leno had a baby
#4 to celebrate being "just mavied", they set 2 pennies and a loaf of bread on the train tracks
#5 Derf's daily below freezing workouts finally let him achieve his goals: nipples large enough to stop his necktie from slipping too far to the side, and abs large enough to hang over his belt. Bring on the ladies
#6 universal symbol for "trying to hold down the volcano of gas building in your belly after eating at the tex-mex buffet" large burp or fart is eminent
Can't get over the fact that the third one says "For mom". Must be a pretty awesome mother - child relationship. :-)
Can we all just agree that cakes should not include disembodied anything? Because whether it's a foot, a hand, a pregnant belly or a buff one, it's all super creepy. And the horrified looks those nipples are giving us.... it's like they've seen things. Terrible things.
#2 looks like Homer Simpson. Yeah...now you can't unsee that, can you
The first one looks like a menorah, the second is Homer Simpson, and the third is E.T. And, that last guy? I know him! lol
Coveted 3-pack is very Homer-esque. The oh-so-sexy abs made me tear up. In terror. I'm having visions of microscopic monster with fangs.
The third one looks like Mothman.
I think a couple of them look like homer simpson's face is hiding under the icing...lol
I thought the British cake was of a topless woman, wearing her boyfriend's speedo. Possibly to celebrate her latest "enhancement"? Those boobs are too pronounced to belong to a guy. If it is supposed to be a guy's torso...wow, I am so sorry about the surgeon's mistakes. As for the six pack abs - they should have used real cans of beer, so the guests could at least have something to drink to help forget what the cake looked like.
I don't think that last cake is a mans stomach. SInce it says welcome baby Christian under it. I think it's a baby shower cake.
#2 has been...um...emasculated. And #4 - what are the nips doing on the neck?
Anyone else say "MOISTURIZE ME!" when looking at the first cake? No? #WhovianProbs
I'm typing this while sitting on the beach (yes. THAT beach) and over the course if the day literally dozens of men have passed between me and thie ocean. Not one of them looked as though a frightened capuchin monkey was trying to escape from his body. There hasn't been anything close to a "family size" box of Twinkies either much less whatever that thing with the tie is. It's very disappointing. If someone's going to block my view of the sea, I'd at least like a good laugh. Maybe tomorrow...
@Craig ~ Gossamer references make me giggle like I'm 12. Thanks :-)
#2 is totally Homer Simpson!
#3 is a scared E.T.
#4 Mmmm.... Twinkies...
#5 Umm...that's a joke, right?
#6 totally made me snort... and OF COURSE I'm at the front desk again! At least I put my coffee down this time. o.O
I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw Homer Simpson in #2. The 1st one and the 4th one are particularly horrifying