Tiers for Fears
October 8, 2013 It's National Face Your Fears Day, my friends, so buckle up. You and me, we're gonna get through this.
See, the trick is to just tackle these things head on.
;)
Unless it's giant spiders. NEVER TACKLE GIANT SPIDERS.
;)
Er, everyone's afraid of being attacked by anthropomorphized melons bearing pointy plastic cutlery, right?
Right?
Well, I KNOW you're afraid of clowns, so here are a few time-tested techniques (from a former clown, I might add) for managing the Squeaky Nose heebie-jeebies:
1) Picture them naked:
;)
But watch out for any funny squirting "flowers."
2) ... or dead:
;)
They're far less likely to tie your intestines into balloon animals this way.
3) ... or better yet, naked AND dead.
[PICTURE REDACTED]
See? Not so scary now, right?
Perhaps you suffer from Anatidaephobia, the fear that a duck is watching you.
;)
I'm told this is a duck.
Never fear, I have a solution for that, too! See, there's this new show out called "Duck Dynasty," and while I've never actually watched it, I am sure it can remove your fear of ducks watching you...
;)
... and replace it with the fear of this cake watching you.
Then there's the appropriately named fear of long words - which I swear I am not making up - called "hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia."
This one is easily remedied; first, never tell anyone you have it.
Second, abbreviate everything.
;)
It also helps to adopt a cryptic, mysterious air. People eat that stuff up, man.
And finally, for my fellow germaphobes:
;)
Good luck with that.
I'm afraid that Genevieve G., Amy M., Amber, Nicole V., Kelsey W., Mandy B., Joelle P., Kelli P., & Andrea M. are all terribly nice people - even when they're brandishing plastic cutlery.
Reader Comments (56)
I thought I saw...something... in the clown pic, and I enlarged it, and yup! So, was that some strange erotic bakery? Or is that just a thing bakers do?
last one could be the kids hands prints. where i work for fathers day we let kids decorate the big cookies themselves and just help with writing.
Am I the only one to think the ccc (ptooie) that is the first "cake" is actually kinda cute.... :/
The naked clowns actually have penises! WTF!
Cake Anxiety
(from the movie of the same name)
Cake anxiety, when ‘er I come here
Damn anxiety, it’s fondant I fear.
Those naked clowns, they’ve scared me before.
But I see them dead, and my eyes feel quite sore,
They’re sore!
Cake anxiety, armed melons are bad
mmm-ziety, that duck guy looks sad.
Hip po pot o mon - stro ses qui pedaliophobia!
Oh, the irony.
You, winnnnnn!
Sung to "Shout"
Shout, shout, let it all out
Face all the fears you can do without
C'mon, I hate spiders, too.
C'mon.
Melons with tines? Just keeping calm should be your goal.
Naked clown's fine, but dead clown's better, dontcha know?
Those scary ducks, they're just not something you enjoy
Duck Dynasty has started using cake decoys?
Why are they using cake decoys?
Shout, shout, long words are out.
Shorten the words you can't live without
Purell will keep germs from you.
Come on.
Yeah, well, I was told
that my students are adults.
Get used to disappointment.
The backwards fingers on the first cake were bothering me until I got to that cookie cake. I don't want someone else's hands stuck in my frosting. D:
On the first cake, he seems far more terrified of himself than I could ever be, so I just want to take him home and to a good psychiatrist. Or give him Valium. That could make for an interesting cake--or perhaps forgettable--cake.
On the "H.B." cake, is it too weird of me of me that I immediately thought of Hellboy? I even know what he'd say upon being presented with such a confection: "Ah, crap."
I never was scared of clowns. Until I saw those naked ones on cupcakes. I'm pretty sure one of them is... erm... playing the meat flute...
Maybe the clowns in pic #3 have just made flesh colored balloon swords!
I have so many random comments today.
I don't think the first one is so bad, because that's pretty much the face I'd be making if I had Spiders of Inordinate Size crawling on my body.
Anthropomorphized melons is my favorite band name of the day. Unless we use the whole phrase (anthropomorphized melons bearing pointy plastic cutlery) in which case that would make a great album title.
I am assuming the Duck Dynasty cake is supposed to be Si. Which makes me sad, because he's my favorite. I can't even begin to say how many ways that cake is just so bad.
Indeed, the clowns are happy to see you.
whoaaaaa.....those are sure some excited clowns.....
Oh, please ... don't let me be the only one nerdy enough to Google Anatidaephobia - and find out it's a real thing.
Not that I doubted you for a MOMENT, I promise. It just seemed to good to be true that enough people suffer from this particular issue to require it to be named. I suspect Bert probably suffers from it.
That first one is so awful that it actually jumps over the awfulness hill right back into "totally adorable" territory!
The spiders on the first CCC are kinda cute. I mean, they're spiders and scary, but still kinda cute, and rather well executed compared to the rest of the CCC. (I never in a million, billion years thought I'd ever use a sentence with the words "spider" and "cute" where those words weren't separated by - at the very least - the word "NOT").
@ Sharyn: :D Nicely done, once again.
I was going to ask, "What's up with the naked clowns?" Then it occurred to me that I *really* don't want to know the answer to that question. Naked clowns are just a whole other kind of scary...maybe not "tie your intestines into balloon animals" fear (I <3 that line!), but still traumatic. o.O
Little yellow clown,
Cover your your horn,
You've look like you're part
Of some not-so-soft porn.
Lol @Sharyn and Haiku hoy :D can't sleep, clown cakes will eat me D:
And on today's show -- we go to the circus and strip away the costumes to reveal why those baggy-pants clowns are always smiling.....
I am not even scared of clowns and that third picture is disturbing me. Naked, strait-jacketed, large objects embedded in their feet and sitting in a pile of blue goo. Poor clowns. :(
"Picture redacted"?? I'm a little scared about what could be so bad that it was actually removed...
Did you know there was a youtube for that fear of long words? Here ya' go: You tube
Well I saw the thing in the bakery case,
It had three big eyes on its messy face.
I whipped out my camera phone and said with glee,
“It looks like a candidate for Cake Wrecks to me.”
It was a three-eyed, nauseous, spider-covered cupcake monster.
(Three-eyed, nauseous, spider-covered cupcake monster!)
A three-eyed, nauseous, spider-covered cupcake monster.
Sure looks Wrecked to me!
The first one good. It's probably the best CCC evah! (Probably because they didn't try to disguise the fact that it's made of cupcakes by slathering a single slab of icing across them all.) And I've got dibs on one of the hands (with the fingers.)
The anthropomorphized melons bearing pointy plastic cutlery is a good idea, poorly executed. And why is the rind such a wishy washy green?
And the naked clown cupcakes with squirty "flowers" remains bizarre.
@ Carol: Seconded.
As for the rest, just no.
Ha! Just to prove that there is at least one of every type of person under the sun: Yes. I am afraid of watermelons! I'm terribly allergic to them, where I can't be within smelling distance or I will start coughing. A couple times I have literally jumped backward a scampered away after rounding a corner and encountering sliced up watermelon. I have an ongoing joke about deathmelons with my friends and I'm definitely sharing this blog entry as the latest proof of their nefarious nature!
Love your blog as always!!
Carol - "picture redacted" is a joke, I'm sure. When a picture is actually pulled due to a baker's upset, we get a nice lovely image of Spaceship Earth as a soothing balm.
Redacted? Boooooo.
Now everyone will have this song in their heads for the rest of the day. You're welcome...
"Everybody wants to wreck a cake"
(with pardons to Tears for Fears)
Welcome to these wrecks
There's no “taking back”
Even while you sleep
The clowns will find you
Acting on your fear of melons
Turn your back on decent décor’
Everybody wants to wreck a cake
It's my own design (no, really)
I have no remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Disturbing cake-wrecks
Nothing ever turns out kosher
Everybody wants to wreck a cake
There's a room where the ducks won't find you
Holding hands while the spiders crawl around
When they do there’ll be redacted clowns
So glad we can’t unwreck these
So sad no one did check these
Everybody wants to wreck a cake
I can't stand this creepy melon
Married with a bearded felon
Everybody wants to wreck a cake
Say that you'll never never never never eat it
One headline, pun deceivish…
Everybody wants to wreck a cake
All for phobias with long names
Nothing ever stays the same
Everybody wants to wreck a cake…
Oh my those first set of clowns are waving a certain appendage. I guess they're from an erotic bakery. I actually like the second set of clowns. The upside down head kinda looks like Harry Potter.
Just to add to the fun, the "duck cake" has pull-a-parts!
miss_paper, I'm glad I'm not the only one that kind of liked the first "cake"!
Honestly, there is nothing to defend that handprint one. Even if it was the kids' handprints, that's foul.
I thought the Duck Dynasty one was a half-finished Womble...
Those naked clowns have to be a joke, right? Please tell me it's a joke! Even if you must lie to me?!?!? Even the 13-year-old is disturbed by those umm... intestines! Yeah, that's what it is! O.O
I didn't used to be afraid of spiders unless they're as big as my hand. That is until @Haiku Joy pointed me in the direction of that heebie jeebie inducing website!
Y'all are killing me with the songs today!!!
This is perhaps the most disturbing post you all have ever come up with!!(and that's saying a lot!!!)Those clowns are so wrong on SOOOOOOOOO many levels!!!What kind of place is that? Bake-a-porn? As for the "duck".....I think that's a clown, too-don't look like any duck I've ever seen!!!!
(BTW-never realized Uncle Si's head was so flat!!!!!)
The 3rd line in a haiku has only 5 syllables.
Note to self (and anyone else who wishes to heed my warning)... Don't ever google dead naked clown cupcakes in attempt to see retracted photo, I never found photo but what I did find can't be unseen... I have a new fear I have named it tychaíesanazi̱tí̱seisphobia that is fear of random searches on google image.
Miss_Paper, I also think the first one is adorable, even if it is a CCC (ptooie!).
The scariest thing for me in this post is that the clown on the far right has a "meat flute" that darn near reaches his chin. No thank you!
@SuBee, Sharyn and ladycrim: nicely done, all....
@Jodee: clown "intestines"...takes guts to say that....(must be because they're side-splitting funny.....)
I also thought the first cake was totally cute. I didn't even notice it was a CCC.
The naked clowns made me think: nudist clown camp! Now THERE'S an idea!
LaLanya, you'd better watch what you search. The NSA is Googling you!
@Karen I made it (age redacted) years without being aware of the phrase "meat flute." Ah, for the sweet days of innocence. (fierce face)
I love the first one- he's so cute. Not so much the spiders but I think a CCC (patooie) is cute!? The earth just wobbled in it's orbit a little.
@SaraCVT I love you in a non-stalky kind of way for the Hellboy reference.
Really funny.
@mel ~ apparently evening isn't a safe time to check in here either. I almost died from the water I just choked on o.O
Celeste, I submit to you that many venerable haiku with variable syllable counts exist. It is an amazing, versatile form with a lot of dense meaning packed into a very small package.
The rigid form which I generally adhere to does follow the 5-7-5 syllable count, yet I nearly always lack the kigo which is also required for a rigid haiku. (I often manage to slip in a kireji, but not always.) So no matter what, my haiku are not rigid forms anyhow. As for today's submission, I immensely like what I wrote. It aptly, succinctly, expresses my current mental state. I knew the syllable count when I submitted it. I'm sorry it didn't met your syllable expectations.
I guess I must still
Get used to disappointment.
Get used to disa-.
Bravo! Bravo! 1,000 Internets to everyone! The comments were as hilarious as Jen's narrative today!
*Wipes eyes and tries to catch breath*
P.S. Haiku Joy, I feel your pain and my students are all still in high school.
Well those dead clowns won't give me nightmares or chase me so I am happy about that lol. The other ones on the other hand..not sure what they are holding and don't really care to find out . That first cake freaked me out with the huge spiders. I guess no one wants to eat that one at all lol.
Well, dang, most of the comments revolve around the very image that now cannot be seen.
@BadKarma-- I would think "Everybody wants to wreck a cake" might also be sung to the tune "Everybody oughta have a maid" from A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.
As for hippo...phobia, yeah, no. Leaving aside for the moment the tremendously inelegant hybrid construction of this made-up verbiage, let's strongly consider Wicktionary's suggestion that one just use the tetrasyllabic phrase "fear of long words."
Medical terminology: not a tool for amateurs (cf. the popularly accepted, and indefensibly malformed, plural of "virus"*).
*The noun is a rare Latin second declension NEUTER. ALL neuter nouns in this language without exception form their plurals in the casus recti with a final short "-a." The only form that even could be correct is "vira."
[PICTURE REDACTED]? for real, or is that part of the post? ;)