You Gonna Eat That?
December 2, 2015 And now, courtesy of the bakeries of America,
10 Things That Should Never Be On Cake.
10. Wired Ribbon
;)
Or any ribbon, for that matter, but the wired stuff is especially bad. Do you really want sharp metal in your icing? And is it really that hard to pipe a bow? (Don't answer that. I know. Believe me. I know.)
9. Rosaries
;)
Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? I mean, I've heard of cake being "sinfully" good before, but really?
8. Individually Wrapped Candies
;)
Icing-smeared cellophane has never tasted so good.
7. Stuffed Animals
;)
I don't know about you, but the last thing *I* want to see when I open a bakery box is a small furry creature. Besides, can you imagine licking icing off synthetic fur?
(You can, can't you? In fact, I bet you're imagining it THIS VERY SECOND.)
[You're welcome.]
6. License Plates
;)
What is this I don't even.
{Actually, I'm guessing the baker saw this and decided not to take any chances.}
5. Fishing Lures Complete With Hooks
;)
Yet another reason why you don't mess with Texas...cakes.
(And I thought licking stuffed animals would be bad. YOWCH.)
4. Those Disposable Plastic Rims You Snap Off Industrial-Sized Icing Tubs
;)
Seriously, bakers?
SERIOUSLY?!
[Note: It's supposed to be a helmet. And the fact that I know that made me seriously re-consider my life goals this week.]
3: Underwear
;)
Not gonna lie, Marge: seeing actual thigh-highs on cakey leg stumps just made my entire week.
Maybe I should get out more.
2. Live Animals
;)
I suppose you could argue that the fish aren't technically touching the cake...but at that point you have to stop and ask yourself why you're arguing in favor of putting live fish on a cake.
Plus they're not even pretty fish. And what happens when one goes belly-up at the reception? Do you really want to spend your wedding day explaining the circle of life to a bunch of traumatized children? And who takes the ugly minnows home afterward, anyway? The traumatized children? And what happens when sloshed Uncle Bill grabs the wrong wine glass later on?
(Actually, I have an answer for that last one: COMEDY GOLD, that's what.)
And finally, the number one thing that should never be on a cake....IS...
1. Used Pregnancy Tests
;)
And you thought I was joking.
Thanks to Jill C., Nell M., Shayna R., Giana T., Melanie H., Misty S., Neba N., Susie M., Stacey W., & Anony M. for putting all those plastic clown heads in perspective.
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
Reader Comments (39)
That which is seen cannot be unseen!
ya know, in the name of fairness, if you are going to censor the female nipples, you should really censor the mail nipples as well :)
So on the 4th one from the top, what is that ........... plastic thing ............. right above "Happy Birthday"?
Is that green camo ..... blob supposed to be Texas? How can you tell?
And thank you, Jen, since I will now be thinking of all the ways to get frosting out of fake fur, instead of thinking about my job today. Yup - Christmas break cannot come soon enough!
#4 is obviously a wedding cake, so which layer are they going to cut for the "first bite" ceremony? I see potential disaster in either layer. They might try cutting the top layer, but they won't move it off to the table top, so the delicate balance of champagne flutes on goopy icing will obviously be upset. Then they're left explaining wet, fishy smelling cake to the guests who went to the bar during that part of the reception. Disaster.
We ordered a graduation cake for my daughter in which the "inspiration" photo showed a person made in buttercream lying facedown among papers and said "It's about #%$&@# time." We received BARBIE face down with her fake hair all through the icing YUCK!!
No fake fur, fish (or fishing hooks), and absolutely NO USED PREG TESTS!!! WTH are people thinking????
Forget the Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree
I’ve seen bad cakes a thousand times
But I’ve got to say that these are really crimes
Please don't decorate cakes with a stick on which you wee
No one wants to eat stuff that’s been coated in your pee
Listen now, to me
Don’t tie a wired ribbon ‘round your birthday cake
License plates, my friend are a big mistake
If you must place some flotsam on your birthday cake
Make sure there’s no hooks, don’t be a schnook
They’ll make your belly ache
Don’t tie a wired ribbon ‘round your birthday cake
Oh, stop this now for goodness sake
I’m not sure that there’s much more that I can take
I’m kind of sure that Jesus did not think it’d be his fate
To be put upon a cake just to decorate
It makes my poor heart break
Don’t tie a wired ribbon ‘round your birthday cake
Swimming gup-pies do not a fish-cake make
If you must place some flotsam on your birthday cake
Make sure there’s no fur (A helmet? You sure?)
Give bad taste a break
Don’t tie a wired ribbon ‘round your birthday cake
Now the whole bakery’s cheering
And I’m getting a head-ache
A hundred wired ribbons wrapped around my birthday cake
Why oh why do people think that's a good idea O_o
Had you not said that the lump on #5 was supposed to be Texas, I was trying to figure out if the Girl Scouts were celebrating the launch of a bass fishing badge or what.
That has to be one of the worst helmet cakes ever posted on this site. That is quite an accomplishment.
Are those turquoise squiggles supposed to be some sort of coral? Yikes.
...if you drink enough, you can make a damn good stab at it, heatherskib...
My experience of almost choking to death on a wired frosting flower--AFTER being assured by the baker there was nothing non-edible on the cake--pales in comparison to the possibility of getting the piece of cake that had the pregnancy test on it.
What is that white outline on the "Texas" blob? Is that supposed to be a deer? It's clearly not a fish, so I have to assume these mighty hunters are fishing for something antlered.
I think the helmet cake idea is rather clever. Come on now, admit it. You know you've seen worse mouth guards.
What, you'd rather be licking icing out of real fur?
The cake under the rosary doesn't look appetizing either.
But the fish cake would be perfect for a Visitors wedding. Anyone remember the Visitors, those reptilian humanoids invading Earth in that 80's TV miniseries?
I can't believe that #5 is soooo bad that no one even mentioned that they put LIVE AMMUNITION on the cake. Mmmm...love the taste of gun powder in the morning.
Thanks to your #7, I spent way too long thinking about( and practically feeling) stray fuzz on my tongue from licking fake fur. Imagination is not helpful sometimes.
OMG-Jen I can't stop laughing! Great post today-especially loved your rant about the fish on the wedding cake ("They're not even pretty fish!" Ha ha ha-so true (poor dears). And I can't get the picture of sloshed Uncle Bill downing the contents of the glass out of my head!!! THANKS for the laughs!
@Maureen, think it may be a number 7 candle.
Cake #8 Is it bad that all I can think is why didn't they put all the candies with the wrappers facing the same way? OCD anyone?
WTF is that green thing on cake #5?
SuBee wins for the best song of the day on CW...I think my sister had that album when I was like 9and she was 10...white suit with a yellow wide collared shirt...yeah, I remember that.
Great flying furfuzz batman that is one BAD idea, not as bad as the last one...who...what...WOW...JUST WOW!!!
Oh dear... Those poor fish reminded me of a tragic episode. My husband works at a hotel and years ago a wedding was held where live goldfish in little bowls were used as centerpieces. When it came time to "undecorate" nobody knew what to do with the fish. My husband ended up bringing them home, where, after getting the kids all excited that we had fish, they went belly-up one by one. Live animals should NEVER be used as decor, especially when nobody wants them afterward.
I don't normally comment, but I HAVE to on No. 7. I notice you emphasized "synthetic fur." So now I'm wondering how many people have imagined licking icing off "real fur." Come on, admit it.
I'm going one step further and say that, not only is that supposed to be a helmet, but it's a Buffalo Bills helmet! Maybe. If you squint right.
Oh Ginger, so close, but that is the wreck of one of those cheating Patriots, that alone makes it the worst cake up there. I think synthetic hair or fur really should have been more towards the top, *shudder*, but the #1 was totally deserving of being #1. And #2, really should have included DEAD animals too, or am I the only one who remembers the stuffed squirrels?
These were freakin FANTASTIC! And SuBee? Is there nothing you can't set to song or poetry? You rock! The preg test made me really cringe and there's not much than can really do that. Bravo to that wreckerator. Ewwwww.
I recognized this post right away, but I didn't remember any of the entries besides #1. Which, come to think of it, actually INVOLVES "#1."
When I was a kid I once accidentally bit into a foil leaf decoration on a piece of cake, which was painful. Now I have to worry about fish hooks and wired ribbons, too. Niiiice.
I was thinking that it's a New England Patriots helmet since it looks a little deflated. Bad joke, I know 😁
So THAT'S what happened to the plastic, glow-in-the-dark rosary I had when I was growing up Catholic. (Yep, ferreals.)
So, that green pulsating mass surrounded by fishooks is supposed to be Texas??!!?? Just...no.
*laugh* I had to come back to the page twice before I figured out how you knew #5 was from Texas!
The cake with the rosary on it is probably for Confirmation or First Communion.
(I had a glow-in-the-dark rosary as a kid too... and I'm not Catholic!)
One can only hope that the fishing lures used on cake #5 are new and haven't been hooked through some fish's mouth.
But the idea of used fish hooks pales when compared to used pregnancy tests (hurk). Aside from the taste (pun intended), I don't understand how a bakery would agree to do something that is so obviously a violation of just about every regulation in the Health Department's manual.
At least the rosary can be pulled off the cake without leaving part of itself on the frosting and is easily cleaned off.
OK, I thought the "thong" underwear cake was the worst... until I saw the pregnancy test one...WHAT are people thinking?!
Oh man lmao. These are hilarious especially the pregnancy test one.. I would not eat that cake and don't know who would lol.
QSuddenly, the medieval habit of putting the feathers back onto the roast goose doesn't seem so insane.
Wow...this has actually hit some cakes I've seen in real life.
Wedding fish cake. Saw two. One had bait fish in glass tubes (not flutes), and fishing lures.
Rosary cakes...popular around here.
Various toys dumped onto kids birthday cakes.
Pee sticks on cakes. That is not that unusual. The thought makes me vomit, but a co workers daughter did that for her announcement cake. The worse part was NO ONE (these people have university degrees) thought it was HORRIBLE. Needless to say, I don't eat at the pot lucks anymore...
Welp, I remembered a little too late not to drink coffee while reading Cake Wrecks. My poor keyboard probably has caffeine overload.
Also, the one with the plastic, clearly a helmet. You shouldn't feel bad for knowing that.
To be fair, the individually wrapped candies were actually something certain stores wanted to have placed on cakes and cupcakes(maybe not in that type of arrangement), but it's not the decorator's fault. And rosaries, I've seen to be pretty popular surprising enough(they tend to come in kit packs to be placed on cakes actually). The rest...I have no explanation. Really floored by the football helmet.
I went to a wedding with goldfish centerpieces Except the person in charge had put the bowls of water together a day or two before, so there was no oxygen in the water and the fish died. Mother of the bride just laughed and left the dead fish on the table. Marriage did not last.