Sochi Z!
February 11, 2014 Hallo, and welcome to Sochi Z, official bakery of Sochi Olympics!
As you can see, we have spent years preparing for your visit, and have spared literally no expense to make you feel welcome!
;)
(Did I mention it's our RE-Grand Opening?)
(Now with shower curtains!)
(Please do not mind the construction workers. They are only here for lunch break. And to fix foundation. And roof. Maybe little plumbing. But that's IT.)
And, look!
;)
We "welcome" you like the "family" you are! Haha!
Now, while you are here in our fair city, do watch out for all the open manholes in the street. In fact, just go ahead and drive in the waterways:
;)
Is better that way.
Also, we have many packs of roving stray dogs.
;)
;)
;)
DO NOT PET ROVING PACKS OF STRAY DOGS.
They will, how you say... eat your face.
Perhaps you've heard stories of the athlete who had to break through the door of his bathroom to escape. Well, never you fear, kotyata, because I am here to tell you: this reminds me of very funny story...
;)
Ahh, those were good times.
Also, do not break bathroom doors. We have you on camera, and we will prosecute. [meaningful glare]
Of course you are no doubt here to celebrate the sports and whatnot. We have cakes for those, too!
;)
And no worries that OUR Olympic rings won't open; we made extra!
;)
(See all of our Olympic cake specials here!)
And finally, to address the many questions we are getting regarding our city's facilities, we here at Sochi Z have made a delicious delicacy to illustrate the Sochi Toilet Operation:
;)
You see? No toilet seat necessary! Now you, too, can poo like American Pooh! Haha! That's Sochi Z!
Thanks to Viviano L., Deborah A., Irene J., Tiffany W., Shannon H., Amber, Alison R., Katie H., Beth K., & Stephanie H. for the ringing endorsement.
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
Reader Comments (41)
And, on subject of Olympics, whose Baba knitted ugly Christmas sweaters USA team is wearing? Sweaters make cakes today look good.
"We home"? OK, somebody'd better spoof "We Are Family" now.
Sung to "Born Free"
So-chi! Reopening cake shows
Good English we don't knows
Sochi, wet driving's an art.
Roam free, the stray dogs surround you
Their number astound you
Don't pet, or you'll lose an arm.
Stay free. The walls won't divide you
The drywall still hasn't dried
Hit it hard on the side!!!!!!!!!
So-chi, for sports we are living
We've rings for the giving
And poo seat free!!!!
Special for this year,
gold medalists also get
Lhasa Apso bites.
@Shirley, right?! My favorites have to be the Mexican mariachi outfits, though. :)
I have this cold and every time I laugh, I start to cough uncontrollably. I must say, I haven't coughed this much since the whooping cough epidemic of '96.
During the opening ceremony, I was awakened by the melodic strains of the Trololo song being played in tribute to the courageous young athletes gathered to represent all that is good and fine and noble in this crazy mixed up world. Or maybe it was for the dogs...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TNm6l4FwABE
"How you say.... eat your face" has me ROLLING!! Thanks for the laugh when I need it!
That was genius, Jen. Pure genius.
The Sochi Z Theme
Music by John Williams
Boom boom da boom boom
Boom boom da boom boom
These are Olympic cakes
They’re cakes that we made for all you Olympics fans.
Please view these lovely cakes
We made with our own rugged Russian hands.
Our Grand Re-Ope’ning cake
We homes all our fam’ly and friends to this special place.
Most of the dogs are gone
So don’t worry that you will need to protect your face.
Don’t get locked in the bathroom, don’t drink the yellow water
But please enjoy the hotel where you’ll live just like a sqatter.
Run along our shore till you hit a vacant white space,
Poo(h) in roomy bathrooms or feel free to choose your own place.
We don’t really care…
Теперь идите домой!!!!!
That first dog cake is extra creepy. Between the airbrushing/decorating and the lighting, it looks like it's Photoshopped in there.
@Shirley Fowley: Completely agree about the sweaters.
HAH! Such a perfect post! I read the whole thing in a Russian accent, of course. Absolutely brilliant, topical humor.
For a CCC, the white dog is really not that bad. True to life even, I'd say, because those dogs ARE that ugly in reality. Anyone have any clue what the yellow thing on it supposed to be? Maybe a decorative halter-thing that has slipped out of place?
Thanks for the daily laughter. We want you here forever, so I hope you guys are bringing in at least a little more income from people clicking through your Amazon affiliate links. I'm getting ready to make a second purchase through the U.S. link soon. (Jen, put the Amazon links at the end of all your Epbot posts, too. Well, the happy ones, at least. I guess it could be weird on some of the more serious ones.)
Oh no! I don't want a lhasa apso or shitzu to eat my face!! Or Batman's car to drive (or swim!) over me! I'm not even gonna comment on the bathroom facilities!!
@Shirley Fowley -- I agree! Scary sweaters. Maybe we can put them on the roaming packs of dogs to keep them warm? I loved sweaters like that in the 80's but it's 30 years later!! I half expect Bill Cosby to show up asking everyone if they want some Jello pudding.
@SuBee, feel better!! Read only dry things, like financial reports. Drink Nyquil cocktails.
Race along the beach.
Your goal is ever in sight -
pure oblivion.
The Winnie the Pooh cake reminds me of my favorite corny joke:
Why does PIglet stink? Because he plays with Pooh!!
To: Cake Wrecks
From: Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
Dear Cake Wrecks:
Recently one of your commenters, a JoeMama, inquired about our firm, wondering if we were still in business. We are, and we have just finished an engagement in some highly sensitive, international diplomatic dealings. I am pleased to report to you that the firm of Tinker, Toys and Tops has averted an international crisis, one involving not only the Winter Olympics but also Cake Wrecks itself! As you know, there is quite a bit of worldwide electronic eavesdropping. It turns out that the Russians have been monitoring Cake Wrecks, and they found something very disturbing. I cannot reveal how I know this, but suffice it to say they took their concerns to the White House. (Unfortunately, they had some translation problems and initially took their beef to White Castle.)
As many of you know, Russia was once known as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, which, in Russian is Сою́з Сове́тских Социалисти́ческих Респу́блик, and is abbreviated CCCP. Although that changed, they are still very sensitive about their history. And, Cake Wrecks is very sensitive about cupcake cakes. In fact, you will periodically see negative comments about them, followed by the epitaph “CCC-patoohie!” That, also, can be abbreviated CCCP. Given the difficulty of translation, it is easy to see how the Russians saw that as a negative comment on their history, and CCC Patoohie was translated as patoohie on the CCCP.
Now, modesty prevents me from going into too much detail, but the Russians also noticed, through their CW monitoring, our firm, and (I’m blushing) asked the President to involve us in this delicate matter. They also added that if this were not resolved quickly, the United States would be barred from participating in the Winter Olympics.
The firm of Tinker, Toys and Tops stood firm, at the ready, briefs in hand. We were willing to do our part to bring about détente, though for some reason one of our Italian partners thought we should aim for al dente. We began to make our arrangements to go to Sochi. Since we were unfamiliar with the language, we looked into getting the Rosetta Stone program for the staff, but it was too expensive. We looked at Craigslist and found a woman who said she could teach us quickly and inexpensively. We flew her in from Colorado, but, unfortunately she was not helpful. What we got was Rosetta, stoned. We also needed a guide. Fortunately one of our staff members is familiar with the area. He told us, “If you knew Sochi like I know Sochi….” And, as we were going to another country, we needed VISA’s, since all we had were MasterCard’s.
Without divulging the intricacies of our diplomatic venture (we took slalom vow of silence) let me just say that the trip was successful, and we were able to explain the cupcake thing. We pointed out several examples from the Cake Wrecks site, read some posts and comments, sang some of Sharyn’s songs, and all had many good laughs.
Unfortunately, we did not have a lot of time to watch many of the Olympic competitions. Some of our staff had hoped to learn some tips from the Curling event, and were disappointed to learn that it was not about hairdressing. We saw some skiing, and I think the skiers have the most depressing sport – they start at the top and then it’s always downhill from there. But they seem to jump at the chance to do it. And I was surprised that some skiers use skis made of soft wood. In fact, there is an event just for the All Pine skiers.
The Russians offered to pay us in rubles and when we hesitated they offered what they said was something more valuable – moguls. He said the skiers love them and they are considered “frozen assets.” While we were a little concerned about their viability in a warmer climate, they assured us that they would never be liquidated so we felt OK. They’ll be arriving later.
The night before we left Sochi, the Russian president invited us to a big party, featuring, as a sign of goodwill toward Cake Wrecks, reproductions from various Sunday Sweets. It was a very fancy, formal affair, and clearly the Russian President was Putin on the Ritz.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I read that in a Russian accent. Thanks for the chuckles and laughs today
@Sharyn and @HaikuJoy -- excellent, ladies.
Hope you are getting more revenue through your Amazon links -- I've been using it.
Great post, Jen!
As for that third "dog" cake, all I can say is: "Trumpy, you can do stupid things"!
Mr. Potato, serving the head of the Russian state on a baked good (Putin on the Ritz) does seem to be in keeping with tradition. See Lenin in Cake.
Bahahaha the comments were as good as the post XD XD and tha's saying something as the post was brilliant :D
That's a lot of Zachs!!!
The brown dog is a dead ringer for Putin!
"American Pooh" should actually be "English Pooh."
Wonderful as always Jen. I heard the whole thing in Yakov Smirnoff's voice. "What a country"
Poor 9th Zach getting such an ugly dog for his birthday. I hope the first 8 Zach's faired better. And what's up with cake #8. Did the wreckorator forget the other half of the picture?
@Mel - Thank you. It's nice to see that Mr. Potato and Co. have been hard at work protecting our country in these most difficult times. Hats off to them all. Too bad they weren't put on sweater duty though. We might have avoided a huge national embarrassment.
Usually love your stuff, but I find this in really poor taste. Especially mocking the way they speak.
http://www.policymic.com/articles/81663/sochiproblems-is-more-of-an-embarrassment-for-america-than-it-is-for-russia
@mel-I would just like to take this opportunity for all you have done, and continue to do, to promote increased understanding among the people of the world. Will you be travelling to the Middle East any time soon?
The 6th one down looks kind of sad. Maybe he'd cheer up if he knew that his real father was Secretariat. =^-.-^= P.S.: What's the "Z" for? One big snooze?
I hope 9th Zach liked his cake.
In Sochi, Russia, cake eat you!
Man, if Yacov Smirnoff isn't trying to cash in on this mess in the spirit of good ol' American capitalism, he should be deported! :D
I don't know why I tried to read that book cake right to left, but I tried to make sense of the phrase "Stroom Scue" for a while. Duh. (As if the phrase "Restroom Rescue" is any more common.)
I hope those bakers dont get stabbed to death for those cakes!
Poor 9th Zach just wanted a puppy for his birthday... now grown-up, the man has a phobia of all dogs, and cake!
@Jen and john(thoj): an absolutely killer of a post today (not that this is unusual) – topical and funny to the max! Love this site!
@Sharyn, SuBee and Haiku Joy: the jewels in Jen and john(thoj)’s comedy kingdom – you ladies really shined today!
@SuBee: yes, I can imagine the John William’s score…I googled him to see if he was still alive (I’ve been listening to his soundtracks for…well…decades)…and saw that he is noted for “neoromanticism,” which I read as “necroromanticism”…and then I wondered…did he write for the Grateful Dead? Also, thank you for your kind words…Middle East? One never knows….
@Haiku Joy: re your comment:
Haiku Joy re-puns
Mr. Potato, Head, says
You crack-er me up!
@JoeMama: you're welcome and thanks for the prompt -- I sometimes forget about Mr. Potato, Head Counsel. It's fun to bring him back now and then, and the CCCP/CCCP "connection" and the Olympics offered an opportunity to do that. As for the sweaters, well, I'm sure there's a story behind that, but that's a yarn for another time.....
I have twin daughters who are celebrating their 9th birthday this weekend with an Olympic themed party. Thanks so much for all the wonderful cake ideas in this and the linked post! :)
I haven't seen much of the Olympics this year. Thanks for giving me such a clear picture of the games. I feel like I'm all caught up now. THANKS CW!
Dear Mr. Potato,
Thank you so much for saving us from an international incident.
I may have a few clients to refer to you in the near future.
@Jodee: You are welcome. It was, as they say, a piece of cake....
Yay Mr. Potato, Head Counsel is back! I nearly died laughing at this hehe. Plus that Olympic ring cake looks like I could rest a dozen sodas on it as I decided what piece to cut. Hmmm not a bad idea.
@Arlene: thanks for your kind words about Mr. Potato, Head Counsel. I'm glad you enjoyed him, and I am even more glad you survived! Like the Terminator, he'll be back, periodically. :-)
That last dog looks like Nicholas Cage.....You can even faintly see his nose halfway up the "dog's" nose.
The "german shepherd" cake reminds me of a Dr Who episode... "the idiot's lantern" -- where an alien entity is in the tv sets stealing peoples faces in '50's London...guess it almost got this doggie too!
Okay well I am Russian and normally I really enjoy your blog but this post along with the comments is just a huge celebration of your ignorance