10 Wildly Inappropriate Come-On Cakes
February 10, 2014 NOTE: No, really, these are wildly inappropriate. Not safe for kids! (Work should be fine, though.)
And now...
10 Wildly Inappropriate Pick-Up Lines
for International Flirting Week
Looking for love this month? Then why not try baiting your love hook (ew) with cake?
;)
Punny and to the point. Best of all: No horsing around!
;)
Admittedly, this will only work for half of you.
If you don't have access to cake, you could always write up one of those cute "love coupons."
;)
So many jokes, so many relatives reading this blog.
(Hi, Mom!)
Just remember to keep it clean.
;)
Awwww YEAH. Good times, indeed.
Maybe you don't want your cake to do all the talking, though. Maybe you just want it to be more of a conversation starter. You know, like this:
;)
"You down with it?" [eyebrow waggle]
;)
"Who likes oysters?!"
;)
"Welcome... TO THE GUN SHOW."
Or if you really want to impress, try a quick serenade:
[singing]
"Oh let me be... YOUR TEDDY BEAR."
;)
Mrowr.
And as a last resort, remember: sometimes bribery can work wonders.
;)
"FREE MUSTACHE RI.. [noticing children in the room]... er ... slices!"
"And hey, just so you know: I come with free balloons."
;)
o.0
Clean-up on aisle MY MIND, please. [shudder]
Thanks to Allison H., Cortney K., Michelle M., JM, Lauren E., Johnny D., Rosebud, Lara K., Lauren G., & Cat for the pick-me-ups.
*****
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Reader Comments (48)
Full price for firm?
Totally have to agree with the tiny "WTF" on the teddy bear cake. It is such a well done cake that I can only think the baker was expressing their disapproval with the idea of bondage teddy via that subtle red on red expression of disbelief.
I had to check the meaning of OPP (am I naive, or what?) and then went into Laugh Mode.
Sung to "Strangers in the Night"
Strange cakes in my sight, catching my glances
Hornicorn's a fright, what were the chances
"Vagina" 's in sight, and certain BJs, too?
Std cake is just not exciting
O.P.P. cookie, so uninviting
Yucky oyster cake just made shout out "ewwwww!!!!"
Strange cakes in my sight
Two gun show people gave the bondage teddy fright
The mustache ... slices... prob'ly tickle, doncha know
That cake really blows
Keep it in your pants, OK? And put all those balloons away
Oh...
Ever since the sight of them together
Try hard thought I might, they don't get better
Throw them out, alright? These strange cakes in my sight.
Oh my-I cannot imagine the reasoning for some of these cakes D:
PERFECT Monday morning...snowy Monday morning! First the "horsey" with the (I'm assuming) latex "massager" on it's head...to the really cute S&M Teddy....to my personal favorite "I come with free balloons." Guess my mind needs its aisle cleaned up as well! Now to go clean up the hot tea off of these very important papers on my desk.....
I love how the S&M teddy bear comes with a "WTF" on the cake
Thank you for the dating tips. However, I need some clarification about the “business” advertising a “love coupon” offering “40% OFF ALL BJ Except Firm.” Could this be a real deal or some kind of bait-and-switch thing that turns into a trick? I would think the giver would appreciate a straight forward, firm offer, rather than some half-hearted advancement. For those, it seems there would be more work involved in handling the matter and reshaping it until the package meets your standards for a successful conclusion. And, depending upon how worked up everyone gets over this, this could result in a big issue. It looks like it would be more hard on the giver than the recipient. Since it would involve extra time and effort, giving a discount for a soft pitch seems anticlimactic. In baseball terms, since the guy’s already got two balls, let him walk. I would appreciate your help with this, since I don’t want to go off half-cocked.
Sincerely,
Dick O’Toole
PS: Since this is marked down from the regular price, how big should the tip be?
I have to know WHY someone would order a cake that states "I Have a Vagina". O-o
The STD cake is very timely, since 8.7 million pounds of meat were recently recalled because it had not been inspected. The recall notice indicated a "reasonable probability" that consumption could result in "serious, adverse health consequences or death." Keep Valentine’s Day safe. Make sure your meat is thoroughly inspected.
I need to go check out OPP - because standard definition here is Ontario Provincial Police...
Bahahaha@sharyn
Ya know, I LOVE oysters. But that oyster cake could almost turn me off from them, and pearls, for life. Almost.
@Pernille, I had to look up OPP, too. ;-)
Poor teddy bear. That oyster cake is terrifying. Luckily I've never liked them so I won't be turned off of them forever.
Thank you @Sharyn for not going with the obvious O.P.P song mash-up. Unfortunately I'll have it stuck in my head all day anyway. Thanks for that Jen!
That umm... oyster...made me gag. o.O
So many very inappropriate things to say about that last one. I'll just go with... Hey! At least she gets balloons out of the deal!
@Little Boy Blue ~ I'm so glad I put the coffee down first. I will tell you that at first I read "tissue" and had to go back and see that you actually said " And, depending upon how worked up everyone gets over this, this could result in a big issue." See how much worse tissue would be??? I'm not the only one, right?
The unicorn's horn is indeed scary! And that oyster made me want to puke! Count me in with those who don't know what "O.P.P." stands for. I'd google it, but I'm afraid to on a work computer. Wasn't there some female rap song about "Are you O.P.P.?" I never did know what they were talking about.
Also, I'm with Ginger -- why on earth would you need a cake declaring you have a vagina? Oh wait...it just dawned on me...is it for a successful transgender operation recipient?
That last one looks like it has bloody pulled teeth on it.
Like many here, "O.P.P." means "Ontario Provincial Police" to me, and I'm liking the subtle WTF on the bondage bear cake. As for the "I have a vagina" cake -- maybe a male-to-female transsexual celebrating a successful surgery? *shrugs*
I have to admit that - while I certainly wouldn't order it - I have a certain fascination with the hidden content on the teddy bear cake. What, exactly, were on those skewers? You can just see the edge of something...
On second thoughts, maybe its better that we never know.
This whole post and comments have pretty much ended my being able to get any work done today-especially Little Boy Blue's!
Ginger-I too am trying to imagine ANY occasion for which such a statement would be ordered. And the cake itself is so well done...
I must admit I'm happy that I didn't understand some of these. Makes me feel better about the state of my brain.
And the tiny WTF on the teddy bear bondage cake is priceless.
O.o
Well then...our poor Horny corn has the look of either just being surprised by having that pink thing shoved onto its' forehead or it looks to be having trouble shooting the foreseeable rainbows out of its' butt. Either way...scary.
I too have to agree with the 40% off all BJ's as everyone else is...coming to the only conclusion that I can...Firm MUST be full price!
As for the O.P.P. cake....here in Ontario that means Ontario Provincial Police...but to anyone who grew up in the late 80's to early 90' and knew of a group called Naughty By Nature....they came out with a song of the same name..... <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdeH7QhGiRg> so...yeah
I come with free balloons....looks more like I came with free balloons to me, but that could be merely perspective LOL
The teddy is a very good replica of a "Bad Taste Bear"
have a look at www.badtastebears.co.uk for LOTS more examples, many of which are NSFW
What did poor Victoria do to deserve a nose cake with an upside down mustache?
Bravo! Sharyn.... I'm going to be hearing Andy Williams in my head all afternoon.
@ Little Boy Blue- ROFLMAO!!! Your punnish-ment is supreme!
I thought the oyster cake was a vagina with a Ben Wa ball in it.
Also, I don't know what OPP means, either.
Oh. It's an oyster. Ok then...
When the Mind Clean Up Team are finished with you guys, send them to me, please.
The statement "I have a vagina" is insufficiently blunt for a certain woman of my acquaintance who celebrates her muffing day every year with a big party (muffing:successful surgery to provide fully functional everything up to the cervix). Transwomen identified male at birth, women (who may or may not self-identify as trans*) identified intersex at birth, and women with congenital deformities are all in the category of potential celebrants for Cake Number Two.
Sharyn, I forget to compliment you enough. You are always amazing!
We haven't even snarked yet on the atrocious spacing in the lettering on the gun show cake.*shudder*
Okay, I didn't even register the potential naughtiness of the caption for the balloon cake. Instead, apparently my mind is even MORE perverted, because I saw a pair of testicles and three,uh...unicorn horns...on that cookie and wondered if that misshapen guy was impaired or really really lucky.
If I'm not mistaken the teddy cake is a "meanie beanie." They came out around the time Beanie Babies were at their most popular. This one looks like one called 'Tied the Bear.' Not that any of this helps with the interpretation, just to say that there was a precedent of sorts. :)
Count me as another one of those naive souls who apparently was off planet in 1991 and never heard the song O.P.P. (or of it). The other cakes were equally, er, enlightening. As always, CW is the most educational site on the Interwebs.
As someone who remember the song "O.P.P." it means "Other People's Property".... only you can replace the last "P" with one of two words for either female or male parts.
O.P.P. = Ontario Provincial Police? I’m confused.
I LOVE the teddy but even after Googling OPP and reading the lyrics, I am none the wiser. Also thought the oyster was a vagina.
The only redeeming thing on the bondage-bear cake is the "WTF". But down on the left side it looks like it says "turning", I can only presume it's followed by the word "stomachs"...eugh
Well, the post's title says "Come On Cakes," and I think that turned out to be a rather apt description of the last cake...
BTW, count me in as another person who didn't know what "O.P.P." could possibly stand for either.
@Jodee: Both I and your computer thank you for putting down your coffee: a keyboard is a terrible thing to waste…as is good coffee…. I see your point, and can only add that a big issue might require a big tissue. Perhaps there is a new advertising slogan somewhere here…”Tissue – it’s not just for blowing a nose.”
@Karen: thank you, and I’m sorry about contributing to your inability to get your work done…if it would help, I’ll send your boss a note asking for mercy….
@Pam: thank you so much…I think one of the goals of Cake Wrecks is to fill the world with pun-damonium….
"Is that a waxed moustache or are you just happy to see me?"
Am I the only one to note its upside down?
At least poor Teddy isn't nekkid.
"If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise... "
"If you go into the woods today, you won't believe your eyes... "
Well after these cakes I think I will go stare at the Sunday Sweets until my mind comes back from the gutter lol. Oh man that oyster cake really has me a bit nauseous eek.
I live right down the street from this guy. Yes, that is a fully functional mustache see saw. Every day I have to tell my kids, no we cannot ride it. It's been there for over a year. Oh, and apparently it's for sale now. http://kansascity.craigslist.org/for/4311663793.html
I'm guessing the "I have a vagina" cake is celebrating the results of an ultrasound, from the perspective of the fetus...?
I, too, had to google OPP.
And yes, that WTF on the bondage Teddy cake was genius, and captured my reaction perfectly.
That's an oyster with a pearl??? Looks *exactly* like a Bartholin's cyst!
The bondage bear is in reference to a collection called 'Bad taste bears' which are all rude bears. I love them...so that cake, to me, is amazing :)
I made Cake Wrecks! :)
The bondage bear cake was my husband's 40th birthday cake. We had a normal one for the party, and this was the gag (pun intended) cake for the after-hours party. :) I got the idea from a cake I found online and found a local baker who done it up for us.
The WTF was a deliberate choice on my part, because yes, it IS a WTF cake. But, on the cake board on the side the baker wrote "Who's Turning Forty?" It was a nice double meaning.
And the stuff in the sticks were letters spelling out his name (Craig) and behind the letters we had a row of 40 candles on sticks.
We still have the bear. And, when we took it off the cake, a bunch of red icing stuck to it and it looks like he has a red swollen booty.
Thanks for all the great comments. Now I have to figure out how to top this when he turns 50.