The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Fire Swamp
May 17, 2013 According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, there are NOT three dangers of the Fire Swamp, my friends; there are seven.
Don't Panic!
Instead, grab your sonic screwdriver,
;)
(With both hands...)
and your ugliest tie-dye beach towel,
;)
(You know, the one with the ugly flowers and the nutrient-soaked hem.)
...and let's go see if we can find the other four!
Wait, I'm forgetting something...
Hey! You! In the red shirt! Wanna join the team?
;)
Great! We wouldn't think of leaving without you.
*
***
********
Look, up above! It's a Cthulpoo Pony!
;)
Watch out for their aerial bowel assault!
Now, step lively! The Guide warns of AFGs. You could fall and break your neck.
;)
"Areas of Fluctuating Gravity? I don't think they exi-- aiieeeggghhhh!"
Listen! Do you smell something?
;)
As I suspected: it's the herbivorous blast-ended skrewt!
("They call me... Tim.")
Mind the pincers; they've got nasty, big, pointy teeth!
Well, that's three. There's just one more danger --
The Excitable Squirrels of Amorosity!
;)
Look out, men! They'll go straight for your nuts!
(Whose idea was it to bring all these peanuts, anyway?)
*SPROING!*
RUN AWAAAAAY!
Thanks to Robert S., Stacy, Gillian, Anony M., Kellee C., Rachael E., and Jane B., for sending us pictures of cakes that are mostly harmless.
Reader Comments (58)
I think my brain just exploded from all the references. Great job!
O_o that about sums it up
I think the Cthulu-pony is kind of cute, in a warped creepy sort of way. Shame that its lair seems to be in the literal bowels of the earth. As for the other cakes...eesh. Someone please pass the eye bleach!
Love the squirrel! And I think the "red shirt" is supposed to be either a malformed Dora or a gender-bending Stewie Griffin. Hard to tell.
Hurry up! It's the cakes of INSANITY! Move that thing and that other...thing!
We are all in mortal peril.
Should we throw the holy sprinkles of Saint Confarreatus? Thou shalt count to three...
Wow. I didn't even know that Stewie Griffin and Dora the Explorer had a kid.
Uh oh....I sense an Epcot event about to explode.
"sonic screwdriver" is Dr. Who, I think...
The sonic screwdriver sort of looks like a lighthouse that fell over, exposing the, um, foundation. And I have to believe that Chrissy who got the Cthulpoo Pony will be facing years of nightmares.
What were these decorators thinking?
Wow! So many streams crossed. I'm surprised the internet didn't explode. Well done, Sharyn!
"Well decorated. You keep on using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Eesh, those cakes are...well...interesting...scary...and seriously, cake decorators, Dora's shirt is PINK. Not RED.
Omg, that last one has me crying I'm laughing so hard.
Don't cross the streams!!!
This post was actually pretty epic. It's like you crossed the streams, divided by zero, and won The Game all at the same time.
Oh my, Doctor, is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me....
I love this post SO MUCH!
Anyone who tries to start an EPCOT on this obviously needs a remedial class in "How to Cross the Streams with Maximum Humor and Efficiency."
I'm a fan of almost all the epicness represented in this post. Unless I missed a reference, in which case I hang my head in shame and submit myself for my obligatory forty lashes with a wet noodle.
@ Sharyn, you had me at the title! Well written post. :D I love all the references you included.
...as for the cakes...that flower one disturbed me the most...I didn't even see "Tim" there at first...
I dunno. Something about the level of detail in the Cthulpoo Pony suggests it is quite deliberate. The tentacle mane isn't just a bad attempt at hair; there are little sucker pods along them. The wings are definitely ribbed dragon-demon style. The flank star isn't just a lazy star stroked without a fill. The little squidge in the middle makes it look quite "heavy metal". And those feet. Those are not sloppy hooves, but actual toes and talons.
Nope, I'm convinced that Crissy is not a 7 year old, but an older teen or college student and this is a satirical-ironic comedy request. Her friends are either teasing her about her love of "My Little Pony" stuff by making an Elder Demon Pony or teasing her love of things Cthulhu by making a "cute" pony out of the dark horror material.
Maybe the sonic screwdriver is supposed to be a light saber hilt?
Is a skrewt a rodent? You know, like a rabbit??
@ BB, Miami and @ Isabella -- you took the words right out of my mouth.
("We TOLD you not to cross the streams! See what happens?")
I counted seven movies/books/shows, with another two references that were a little more esoteric:
-- Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (beach towel, mostly harmless)
-- Dr. Who (sonic screwdriver)
-- Princess Bride (fire swamp, don't think they exist...)
-- Classic Star Trek (red shirted security guys as victims)
-- Ghostbusters (Listen...do you smell something?)
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (big, pointy teeth, Tim)
-- Robin Hood: Men In Tights (straight for your nuts)
The only real question for me was Cthulpoo (which I had to Google) and is apparently more comic art than film. Overall, that is the most marvelous mashup of quotes I have seen in some time. Huzzah!
I have a hard enough time convincing non-whovians that the sonic screwdriver in my purse does not vibrate without a version like the cake. .____________________________.
If the Cthulpoo pony had been on a better (less intestiny) cake, I would be pleased to accept it. It's kinda awesome. And the sonic screwdriver is nicely detailed, but sadly stumpy. Someone worked really hard (*snicker*) on that one.
The rest... well... they need to be buried at midnight under a new moon, or something.
@Vanessa - you missed Harry Potter! How could you?! It's only the biggest book series since Hitchhiker's & (among kids), the greatest invention since sliced bread... ;-)
@SuBee - courtesy of Wikipedia..."The Blast-Ended Skrewt is a hybrid creature bred by Rubeus Hagrid in the autumn of 1994, by crossing Manticores and Fire crabs. Whether Hagrid used magic or somehow got the two to mate is unknown." (A manticore is a lion-like beast, btw.)
Of course, by the time this comment is posted, there'll be twenty different people sayin the exact same thing...
@Sharyn - I bow to the Master & grovel @ your feet in hopes that an itty-bitty, teensy-weensy, smidgen-pigeon morsel of your talent, by the smallest of possibities @ a margin of 1,896,574,321,000 to 1, might befall me, though I am so undeserving of such an enormous honor that it might cause the annihilation of the space-time fabric of our universe if such an event were allowed to occur... (Perhaps it is best that I admire your greatness from a great distance, for the sake & safety of all...)
Vanessa, you missed one:
--Harry Potter (blast-ended skrewt)
Hee hee, these are hilarious!
Oh My God. The squirrel one literally made me snort-laugh way too loud for work~
I'm so confused... such awesome references but such awful cakes I'm not sure how to feel. ;) Lol.
This has gotta be the best CakeWreck post ever! Three shall be the number of the dangers, and the number of the dangers shall be three, indeed.
Jen, may the force live long and prosper to infinity and beyond with you!
That first one is actually a baby shower cake for the end result of what happens when a Firefly and a light saber love each other very, very much...
Is it just me, or does anyone else want a My Little Cthulhu Pony cake for their birthday now? (Sans poop, of course...).
As for the last one... Dear GOD, What Is That Thing!???!!!
Brain...has ceased...functioning...too much...awesome...
Grasp that sonic screwdriver with both hands and enjoy it's intense vibrations and pulsations! Don't let go until you achieved your goal.
That is a collection of some of the scariest cakes I have seen!
Honestly, though, if you kept an original Sonic Screwdriver prop on your nightstand, any non-Whovian would jump to the same conclusion the moment they saw it. Once they discovered that the tip lights up, they'd never look at you the same way again.
Oh, dang, you guys are totally right. I can't believe I missed Harry Potter!
:P
Most excellent! Just fire up an S.E.P. field and we can all be hoopy froods, not requiring eye bleach, or an EPCOT or having to face the peril! (even if it's only a little perilous). Because you know, no NORMAL person would stack books...um I mean...decorate cakes like that.
Two Monty Python references. Very good.
Could any of my Bolshy Droogies tell me why am I suddenly itching to throw in a "Clockwork Orange" reference here?
If that first one comes in hot pink and has alternating speeds, SOLD!
Epic!!!!
The cthulpoo pony is based on a character created by H.P. Lovecraft, Cthulhu: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu
He coined the term "cosmic horror," or the idea that life is incomprehensible to the human mind - much like these cake "decorations" - and that the universe is fundamentally unfriendly to the interests of human kind (unlike Cake Wrecks - inconceivable!).
I'm counting 7 references and am almost too gleeful there's not a Star Wars reference. Unless, of course, Stewie is NOT the father! (See what I did there?).
I have Men in Tights memorized and I don't remember a "Straight for your nuts" line. Sounds more Monty Python to me.
I wonder if the Dora/Stewie Griffen cake was supposed to be Charlie from the kids tv show "Charlie and Lola". Although, it doesn't really matter because it's a bad version of that character too.
CROSS ALL THE STREAMS!
Just make sure you pay the toll, or the bridge keeper won't eat no rolls...
Even though the sonic screwdriver looks more like a dong than, well, a dong cake, I give the decorator points for drying to throw some Gallifreyan symbols into the fondant on the display board. I think that cake made me like David Tennant even more. Ooh, Doctor!
The "run away!" is what got me. I'm having difficulties stopping the giggles. Thank you, thank you, thank you for a giggle-inducing post, I sorely needed one.
I'm making a shirt out of "aerial bowel assault."
I've been trying to tie in "Sandy" the squirrel from Bikini Bottom (Spongebob Squarepants); perhaps those nasty little amorosities are why she hangs out under the sea.
As I write this, it says there are 42 comments ahead of me. Fits this post perfectly.
@Diane - OMG...cant believe you "said" that in front of everyone!! ;-) Next you'll be saying that all it needs is a rabbit...
Hey, why are you all looking @ me like that?! If it's gonna be pink & have alternating speeds, it needs to be...uh...rabbit-y... (Not rabid! That's something completely different.)
Can I just say that I think the die-hard CW fans (and CW authors) are just awesome...that I am so pleased that there are so many people like me out there that understand and find humor in all the references in today's post (which has got to be one of the best in terms of references to all things cool in literature, TV and movies?) Thank you for validating all my trivial favorites...it's nice to know I am not alone.
goth phase much, chrissy?
Here we have my second nominee for the Cake Wrecks Hall of Fame. Yes, through all these years, I've only nominated one other.
Now, there are many cakes that make the cut as stand alone entries, but for overall posts- just these two. I'm very discriminating (in a high-standards vs. don't-like-you kind of way).
That squirrel is seriously, seriously creepy. Ick.
P.S. towel day is May 25 and I despair of finding a floral towel as hideous as that cake!!
I am dying of laughter just from reading this.. wow. Funnier than the cakes and those cakes would make a grown woman or man cry if they got one. Yikes lol.
I swear to Bowie, this is absolutely true; one evening last week, when it was unseasonably warm for us and we had the door open, I heard strange chittering noises outside. As I began to speak to my husband about it, a whiff of Skunk Stank reached my nose, and I kid you not, I LEGITIMATELY SAID THE WORDS, "Listen! Do you smell something?" I cracked myself up Peggy Hill-style once I'd realized what I'd said, while my husband thought I'd lost it for real and closed the door on the spreading odor.
Your Pal,
Storm