A Cake Wrecks Guide For Nervous Brides
September 26, 2012 Every time we publish wedding wrecks, we get comments from worried brides afraid their cake will be the next one featured on Cake Wrecks. This is both understandable and terribly selfish, since the rest of us depend on your misfortune for our daily chuckles. HAVE YOU NO HEART?
Ok, ok, fine. I guess I can spare a few pointers.
;)
1) Check your baker's previous work.
Remember, you want a cake pretty enough to move your guests to tears:
;)
...not tiers that move themselves.
Also, let's save the Reddi-Wip for the wedding night, mkay?
;)
And the condoms, too.
2) Pick a design that isn't too complicated.
For example: "Fuzzy yellow caterpillars, pink sea anemones, and eyeballs"
;)
...is too complicated.
On the other hand, bright colors, black vines and listless despair are perfect:
;)
...for arranged marriages in bad gothic romance novels.
So unless your wicked guardian is forcing you to marry a man you don't love so they can bilk you out of a fortune you never knew you had whilst the wind howls mournfully across the tempestuous moors, I'd suggest something a tad more cheerful.
;)
But not this cheerful.
3) And finally, make sure your design is appetizing.
;)
After all, no one is going to want to eat a cake that looks like you used it to juice Cookie Monster.
(Ewwww.)
Thanks to Holly J., Lorie B., Ben C., Olivia X., and Arielle C. who are probably wondering if that last cake tastes like cookies or sweaty fur. (And if they weren't, I bet they are noo-ooow!)
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Hey brides! Use this handy printable checklist to make planning easier!
☐ Well-made.
☐ Contraceptive free.
☐ No eyeballs.
☐ No tempestuous moors.
☐ No dead Muppets.
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Reader Comments (62)
Oh man - where was that checklist when I got married! And that last cake looked to me like a fountain of that blue stuff you put in your toilet to keep it clean.
The "listless despair" cake is listing!
And I love the pen- er- "mushroom" cake...
What IS that supposed to be on the top of that last cake? Do I want to know?
Also, if you think brides are nervous, think of some of us bakers!
Well, so much for my Butcher Me Elmo cake plans.
That cookie monster cake killed me Jen! It totally looks like a juice squeezer on top! I'd like to *think* it tastes like cookie-goodness, but we all know in reality it tastes like sweaty fur! Lol!!
Okay, have to actually get back to work now... ;)
*squints at condom cake* Naw....they didn't.....they couldn't.....but I can't see anything else!
On that last cake....wow. I can't think of anything that's supposed to be that color - that humans can safely consume! And I'll never look at Cookie Monster the same way again!
Juice Cookie Monster, Ha! My daughter is watching Sesame Street right now!
I can't wait to see what Sharyn does with this.
"A few pointers"! ha!
Fine, juiced Cookie Monster, but you could have also gone the juiced Dalek route.
OMG did they NOT notice that one cake looked too "happy" ;)
So… tempestuous Muppets are okay?
How about contraceptive eyeballs?
seriously the 'cheerful' mushrrom-tower cake ... they didn't see the likeness to anything? and they set it on the table for their guests to see? wow, perhaps the bride will need the birds & bees 'talk' before the big night!!
I was reading along just fine till I got to the Cookie Monster juicer, and I lost it. How do you come up with these ideas? I want what you're smokin' . ;)
Really, truly, those *aren't* condoms? That wasn't a gag condom cake? Promise?
The 'eyeballs' look more like creepy boobs than eyes to me. >.>;;
Perhaps the condom cake and the penis/shroom cake are supposed to go together. Maybe?
Otherwise, there should be a "No penis/shrooms" on the check list.
One of your best posts ever! The last item had me truly LOL.
Juice Cookie Monster:
Best. Line. Ever.
Leaning tower,yes.
of Pisa?? No!!
There HAS to be a 'this is what we wanted' picture for that condom one. Otherwise there is no sense left in the world.
I had managed to keep my composure at the idea of juicing Cookie Monster, but @ClassicSteve's "Butcher Me Elmo" made my spit out my coffee. Thanks.
I'm telling you, your next book needs to be of the "Wedding Wrecks" variety. I think it would put you on the NYT Bestsellers list for months!!
Some people have already said it but I have to also. "Juice Cookie Monster "is just spectacular. There aren't words enough to describe how wonderful that is.
What IS IT what that stupid plastic fountain some people seem intend on placing underneat (!) cakes?!
Maybe the "condoms" are supposed to be bubbles? But, they look so much like actual condoms... that can't be, no one would do that, would they?
ClassicSteve, I'm holding you accountable for the stuff that spilled all over my floor/cat/shirt when I could no longer continue chewing like a normal person. Dagnabit, man - laughing is dangerous!
My question about the condom cake is why are there so many size options?
2. Huh. I think this is the fare for ST Period David Day: a whole tub of raw cookie dough and Reddi-Whip. Just needs some chocolate!
3. I didn't see condoms. At first. They look like someone "artfully distressed" the condoms. Or, they are moldy. Eww. I need to stop looking at it now.
4. Can we talk about the color scheme, here? Seriously, they should post a warning for people prone to seizures.
5. Is your mushroom leaning? Does it have that droopy feeling? We can perk it right up! With dowels and toothpicks, apparently.
6. A Blue Koopa fountain?
The condom cake scares me. If I ever get married I'm having my sister make my cake. No condoms or penis/shrooms allowed! And although my favorite color is purple and that will likely be a part of my color scheme, I'm thinking a tasteful (tasty?) lilac color with maybe some darker ACCENTS! Black? umm..no.
All I can say about the last one is poor Cookie Monster :(
See, the goth cake is so sad it's peeing on the table.
"tempestuous moors"
*chokes on soup in an undigified manner in a publlic hall at Uni*
My wedding cake was actually inspired by a cake I saw on this site. Thankfully it was a Sunday Sweet! And even more thankfully, it didn't become a member of the 'what was ordered...what they got" posts. Speaking of which...it's less than two weeks until we get to pull that top layer outta the freezer and take a bite! Woohoo!
What baker would look at that mushroom cake, and think that they don't look like weiners? If bakers had licenses this one should have theirs revoked!
"Juice the Cookie Monster"... I snickered uncontrollably for long enough for the person in the next cube over to ask me what was wrong...
No Sharyn post yet? You ok?
I...I kind of want the tempestuous moor cake.
That's it. It's time to go back to therapy.
This post already had my kids asking me what was so funny, and then reading the comments just makes it worse! With certain wrecks getting most of the attention in the comments, Kate's "See, the goth cake is so sad it's peeing on the table." made me totally lose it... :)
Ohh Cake Wrecks thanx for the chuckles :-)
I saw the third cake and thought, "those look like condoms". Then, I thought, "get your mind out of the gutter." Then I read the tag line and thought, "good, it's not just me." Then I thought, "wait, do I want a mind that thinks like Cakewrecks?" Then I saw the second to the last cake and thought, "I give up".
Me WANT Butcher Me Elmo.
The condom cake looked to me like somebody hit a lot of golf balls into it after it was finished. Maybe they were going for a "moon craters" effect? I'm also wondering if the goth cake was actually for a high school prom with a poorly-chosen color/theme combination?
The condom cake and the cheerful, um, mushrooms got married and they lived happily ever after... because that's what wedding cakes do.
This is one post I'm glad I'm reading at home and not at the library. If anything would get me kicked out, "Butcher Me Elmo" would do it. As it was, I scared the crap out of my cat.
@Jodee in WA (and @meeshybee): I'm fine, thanks for asking. I helped write this post, so commenting on it would have felt weird. There should be a new song parody tomorrow (if I can think of one...) See you in the comments!
that 3rd pic reminds me of the suckers on an octopus's tentacles.
My hubby got a look at the last cake in blue and didn't think "cookie monster" but urinal cakes!
That last one. My husband said it looks like Darth Maul's .... um.... penis. That's it.
#1 their first toast and they're already blaming each other?
#2 Prisoner Zero has escaped- that's one scary crack!
#3 impact craters is all I can think of- that and the layers are tilted
#4 y u no mention hideous color of yellow/green like bile from colon
#5 Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!! Beetlejuice!!!
#6 fire works and silly string don't mix- that stuff is flammable
#7 whoever thought up "juice cookie monster" wins the interwebs (with Classic Steve a close second though I read it as cake "pans" and went into Pan Wow mode)
also, Newb, I thought tidy-bowl, too!
right, I've been calm long enough- THEARDARE, DO YOU HAVE SHARYN?? GIVE HER BACK!! I know one kitty who's gonna lose a fight with an electric razor and it won't be pretty!! (bad enough he stole Craig's internet connection)
Poor Cookie Monster. I would hope that cake tasted like blueberry jello but that's just me lol. As for the rest of these.. I can't even fathom what the wreckerators were thinking or not as some of the case may be. That first one and the condom cake just give me the creeps.
It took me a while to realize the blue in that last cake is supposed to be water. Blue toilet water. I think I'd rather drink Cookie Monster juice, thanks!
The topmost "tower" in the penultimate cake appears to be in urgent need of Viagra,,,