This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
Rudolph took that whole "won't you guide my sleigh tonight" line waaaayyyyy out of context...
Ho, Ho, Hoe!
"You know we can't do this more than once a year...the missus would get suspicious."
I think you missed 2 very important, yet disturbing pieces of the cake.
1. There is a "cover" over the covers on that bed, placed directly under Rudi's most private of places
2. That's not a towel, I think it's Santa's scarf (I've never seen a towel with fringe.
Ew and ew, and I can't come up with anything that would be remotely cute to describe this Ghristmas scene.
All I can think of is something comparing Rudolph's red nose to the red behinds of baboons when they're in heat... but I'll let someone else take it from there.
Santa isn't the ONLY one coming to town!
That is SO wrong what the hell D:
Look who's coming down Rudolph's chimney this year.
(I cannot believe I just wrote that.)
After running Grandma over, Rudolph couldn't take the stress...Santa hoofed on over to remedy the situation in every way he could think of.
Santa rode the reindeer a little too ragged on Christmas eve.
Santa: "Oh come on Baby. You know I didn't mean it. I really do like your cooking. I just can't eat anything that heavy before the big night."
Reindeer: "OH NO... THAT'S FINE! You just go on your little road trip and have fun while I keep the home fires burning. I work and I slave and this is the thanks I get. Never mind. I have one of my headaches now and no amount of hoof massage will make the pain go away."
Santa: "Dammit Vixen, do we have to do this now?"
When Santa's mental haze cleared, he knew he shouldn't have eaten the cookies at the house with the "Free Weed" sign. He thought it just meant that Rudolph and friends could eat the grass, but now…
- DB
It's okay, Rudy, I'll never forget you're really a girl.
"Rudolph's relationship with Santa brought new meaning to the term 'reindeer games."
I just can't stop staring at it...
Caption: One Down, Eight to Go
Dialogue: "Well, that's one down, and eight to go."
"What's that?"
"Nothing, Rudolph."
"Good. Now work the heel. That sleigh isn't going to guide itself tomorrow night."
he knew Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. it was time to get to know Rudolph.
"Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
You know about the night before Christmas. Well, this is the morning after.
Things got freaky once Santa started coaching the reindeer games.
Mrs. Claus is a dear, but nothing like you, my deer!
Rudolf my friend, it's time for rehab. We'll take you there on Monday.
Of all the nights for you to get drunk and fall down the stairs! It looks like it's just sprained, but you're not going to guide my sleigh tonight.
[[Is that clean enough for you, Jen? *wink*]]
"It happened every year, the night after Christmas. Rudulph, unwinding with a bottle of Jim Buck, and Santa, cleaning the asphalt of a billion roofs from Rudolph's exquisitely sensitive hooves... both knew where the night was headed, and both would never speak of it again."
Are you sure it was a cigarette that was just removed from poor Rudolph's mouth. From the looks of this scene I would say it was something a little harder than that! Wait wait, I know what happened. Rudolph fell and broke his ankle. and they don't have any pain meds or doctors up at the north pole so santa had to knock him out with booze and he is just setting it and getting ready to cast it. Yeah, that's it! Merry Christmas!
This is nice, Rudy, the way you really get me. Mrs. Claus tries, but she just doesn't know what it's like out there.
Oh my god. My childhood just disintegrated before my eyes. That I now have to gouge out.
"Rudolph! Passed out drunk on the day of Christmas? I know you need to be the "red nose reindeer" but we have work to do! What were you thinking? I'm pulling you out of this bed want it or not!" - Santa
"Mommy, how do Santa's reindeer get their magic?"
Santa's got a ho ho ho!
Santa wistfully thinks back to when "Crude-olph" was more of a "Prude-olph."
The Reindeer With The Dragon Tattoo
Hey, it's not all that bad! Rudolph, and all the other reindeer, HAD to be female because only female reindeer have antlers at this time of year. So if he's rubbing Lady Rudolph's hoofie, it isn't quite as, uh, odd. I do NOT want to look into the toy bag, not no way, not no how!
"Santa Baby... When you're done with the hoof rub you can Jingle My Bells. (seductive wink)
"Are you allright, my man? Listen - I didn't know it would end up like that. I thought...well, I thought we could try something new, you know? Spice things up? Aw man...what are we going to tell the Mrs.?"
"Wooo, SANTA! I had no IDEA that's what you meant when you asked me to guide your sleigh tonight!"
Santa: Ah, Rudolph, my boy, if I'd known that you would have this much trouble handling the fame . . .
Rudolph (crying drunkenly): And then . . . and then . . . and then she said that she didn't think my nose really glowed . . . she said . . . she said it was just the booze . . .
Santa: Now, now, lad, you know better than to rise to a woman's bait . . . *removes cigarette from Rudolph's mouth and then sits down and starts absently rubbing Rudolph's hoof* All right, time to pull yourself together now . . . *yells to Mrs. Claus* Dear, I'm afraid we need another "Rudolph Special Pick-Me-Up" pronto!
Well, that's about as clean as I can make it! :)
Don't worry Rudolf, I'll make your nose shine like never before.
Rudolph was up on the roofies with old Saint Nick.
Santa-"Thank goodness I've found you, Rudolph- that grandmas gonna be ok!"
Rudolph-"But I twisted my ankle when I stepped on her face!"
Santa-"Mrs. Claus is on her way to fix you up- now put down that eggnog and get a grip.. We have toys to deliver!"
Sung, "Put your little hoof, put your little hoof, put your little hoof right there" etc., etc., etc.
T'was the night AFTER Christmas, and all through the night, not a single thing was stirring . . . not even Rudolf's light . . .
"...and THAT'S how flying reindeer are made."
"You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer? *hiccup* They NEVER let poor RUDOLPH join in their games! Well who's SHOUTING with gl- *hiccup* glee NOW!? ME! That's who."
Oh god... my eyes.
"Don't worry, Rudolph; Santa's still got a few toys left in his sack!"
After Santa contracted a bad case of "hoof in mouth" disease, his elves starting making penicillin as well as toys!
"You'll go down in history alright...but for all the WRONG reasons!"
I had others, but they are all way to dirty for this site! LOL
"Why does something so wrong have to feel so right?"
Not one word to Mrs. Claus, ok?
"I wish I knew how to quit you, Santa."