This Is Why You Always Knock
December 20, 2011 Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?
This is kind of like that.
;)
Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"
You're right, and we've trained you well.
However.
There are a few other things worth noting:
Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.
Or the little sack of "toys."
Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.
Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.
Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.
Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)
Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.
Update! After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable. And I think I need a shower. Here are the winners:
"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen
"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy
"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia
Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!
Reader Comments (525)
Downed by some roofies,
Sick, sick sick!
Someone call up PETA,
Quick, quick, quick!
Stockings aren't the only thing Santa is stuffing this Christmas.
"Santa, open up my bag of "toys". I think I have something that vibrates that might work on my hoof, too."
The y don't call her "Vixen" for nothing!
HO! HO! HO! IF MRS. CLAUS CATCHES US SHE'LL BURY US IN THE SNOW, HO! HO! HO! LOL
That aint no ordinary bag of toys!
"You're sure I can't catch hoof-and-mouth disease this way, right?"
I'll have a "blue" Christmas without you....
This puts a whole new perspective on that naughty and nice theme.
or
"Next time YOU play naughty and I'LL play nice!"
Seriously, no caption, but I DO keep hearing Eartha Kitt singing "Santa Baby"...
Last night was for the kids, tonight is for the deer. Fo-shizzle Santa-rizzle!
rudloph we only get together 1 time of the year!!!!!lets make the best of it the mrs will never know!!!! ho! ho! ho!
I guess Grandma wasn't the only one that got 'run over' by a reindeer!
Ok, I'm torn between two captions so here they are:
Glowing red nose, THIS is why Rudolph went down in history!
and
Santa always secretly desired to play reindeer games.
rudolph: "i got more out of this bet then i expected"
santa: "just dont let my wife know all the tricks i have in the bag"
The night Santa guided Rudolph's sleigh for a change.
"Then how the reindeer loved him, as he shouted out with glee."
(My poor Inner Child...)
" And you didn't think I could take you around the world in a night."
I'm in the mood for a little venison...
Santa's bringing sexy back....them other reindeer don't know how to act.....only Rudolph has the hoofy goods (yeah)....break it on down, Santa......
Now, I could go more into the song, but....er....the whole I'll let you whip me if I misbehave part....well, not quite sure I can make that christmassy....
The other song that fits this is "Baby it's cold outside" well maybe just a half a drink more, indeed!
"Santa decided to stuff Rudolph's Stocking this year, and not just with holly jolly Christmas Cheer, but with a Yule log. "
or
"Rudolph didn't know if he had been naughty or nice, but it wasn't just town that Santa was coming to this year."
Santa was torn between hoping Rudolph would forget the entire episode and hoping that Rudolph would never forget the magical moments that they shared.
Santa has a secret hoof fetish we knew nothing about and the poor reindeer were told it was apple cider they were drinking. When good Santa's go BAD
Gee, I wonder what two names will top the 'Naughty List' this year.......
"Okay Rudolph. We've made everyone else's Christmas dreams come true. Now it's our turn."
"You can leave your hat on."
What Mr. and Mrs. Jones found in their bed the morning after the great Christmas Eve party served important lessons: Never leave the liquor cabinet unlocked, and always leave Santa his cookies.
Santa Claus is coming..... Oops, it looks like Rudolph came first!
"If I had known that THIS was the initiation, I just would have avoided those stupid reindeer games all-together!"
Looks like Rudolph is getting something other than coal in his stocking tonight.
Santa: Now that's what I call getting into the Christmas spirt!
There's nothing that Santa and his bag of toys can't fix after a long Christmas night.
After unwrapping the binding from Rudolph's hooves, Santa could not help but look upon the scene and lament his efforts to maintain the youthful gaiety of his now grown companion.
Rudolf led Santa's sleigh to give all the children of the world a Merry Christmas. After all that work, it was time for their own "happy ending!"
Apart from this being truly hideous, that Santa is impeccably done. Too bad it's not on a more appropriate cake.
As Rudy gives a contented sigh, Santa mentally checks his list.
"On Dasher...check
On Dancer...check
On Prancer and Vixen....check check"
I am a terrible person >.<
"Rudolf with your nose so bright, I'm gonna ride your sleigh tonight."
Oh, that is a wee tad dirty isn't it. How about.....
"Rudolf wasn't sure he wanted to join in the reindeer games anymore."
I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!!!!
Santa comes just once a year......... lucky for Rudolph.
"I got your north pole right here..."
"I've been watching you Rudy. I see you when you're sleeping, and I see you when you're awake. You have been VERY naughty this year."
I'm not convinced that was a cigarette in Rudolph's mouth...
"So, does SANTA get a present this year?"
OR
"What do you expect? The only girls I see are Mrs. Claus or six years old..."
LooKs like the fat man forced himself in Rudolph's chimney and came in his box.
I feel like that guy walking in on Jerry Sandusky with the kid in the shower, only I'm going to report this one.
While everyone knows that Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus, the lesser-known Ghristmas celebrates the birth of the first reindeer-human hybrid.
What happens in flight club, stays in flight club.
or
Rudolph always wondered what the other reindeer meant by the "down low." Now he knew.
Santa only comes once a year.
"Rudolf - I've told you time and time again. Stop distilling the reindeer feed!"
Oh great. Now I'M going to be whimpering myself to sleep. No grandma involved. Sheesh.
"And you thought Santa only came once a year..."