Project Wreckway
January 11, 2011 Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"
{moments later}
Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."
Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."
Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."
Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."
Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."
*
Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."
Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."
Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"
Hilga: "It's a hot mess."
*
Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."
Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."
Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."
Hilga: "It's a hot mess."
*
Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."
Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."
Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."
Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."
Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."
*
Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."
Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."
Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."
Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."
Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.
Reader Comments (92)
there's a dragon? where? *squints*
oh, THAT. I though it was a ponytail to the face with the cherry eyes. okey dokey....
wv: ditcha. Ditcha see a dragon?
You captured the voice AND the spirit of the original perfectly! But what's with all the silver dragees? You might as well sprinkle cakes with real buttons; either way, some molar is going down. And if only the person who decorated that roses-in-a-baking-pan cake had stepped away from the airbrush (or used it thoughtfully)....
Your PR sendoff for this was fantastic. And using "Santiago" for the guy's name was perfect. I actually misread it as Santino (I mean, if he were to do a cake, this would be it).
I say Bravo! and you should get a Lifetime achievement for this.
Santiago, your cake has both a dragon and boobies!
FABulous!
WV - embean. Perhaps scattering a few legumes about would have helped the other cakes -- every cake can benefit from being embeaned.
Possibly my favorite post of all time.
This is seriously the funniest entry ever on this site and probably one of the funniest food blog entries EVER! Bravo!
HILARIOUS!!!!
Everything. I'm not even going to try to pick out my favorite parts.
And the winner? Spot on. I'm frequently left thinking, "Wait. What? Wait. They *all* agree that that's the winner? Wait. Okay. No, wait. Why don't they pick Uli*? I just don't get it. They're in some different space-time continuum."
Thanks for making me laugh :)
____
*(Yes, I've been out of it since Season 3.)
Wow....I was so blinded by all the colors on that cake I didn't even notice the horses till it was pointed out for me...
With today's choices, the cookie wins! what a mess
I agree that your presentation (impersonation) was spot on ;-}
I'm so glad the designers used the plastic flotsam "thoughtfully." LOL. And I must be as strange as the PR judges, because I liked the carosel cake.
I kinda' liked the carousel cake, too, but I admit that I am a major sucker for carousels in any form.
This was AWESOME! I laughed out loud (I read this on my am break @ wrk and had tears.) I love project runway and you nailed it.
That last one... looks like it has 2 prickly or very wrinkly boobs.. It took me a minute to see that long thingy was a dragon. lol.
Bravo!
SQUEE!!! I love the PR reference!!!
"Kissed by a rose" reference... HILARIOUS!
Loved it! I totally had all of the judges' voices in my head while reading this. And the baffling choices they make (especially to someone who gets fashion even less after regularly watching) really does seem to reflect what goes on inside the head of some cake "artists." I have to say I'm a little disappointed that you didn't work in my new favorite Heidi-ism (from this past season): "hosh kaposh." Disregarding that, you definitely made it work!
I totally read that with all of their voices. Great job capturing their speech patterns. And the dragon-boobie cake is quite revolting.
This may be my favorite post ever LOL. It brought tears to my eyes!
Make it work!
wv: hogness. The hogness of the dish was evidenced by a dusting of bacon bits.
I like how in the second one, the horses are going in different directions. From this angle it looks almost right, but then you realize that two of the horses would be going backwards.
Loving the Durm Strang HP reference! Also loving the Project Runway dialogue as well! Thanks for giving me a great laugh to start out my day :)
Brilliant post! I loved the Heidi/Seal referencfe
I love the "kiss from a rose" part hahaha.
OMG - Tom and Lorenzo need to see this entry.
Just perfectly captured! This is by far my favorite post yet. Brilliantly done.
This post was beyond astrudently bralifiscent.
The fourth cake gave me a flashback.
I seem to remember wearing a plaid-rose bridesmaid dress sometime in the seventies. Same colors, too. It was indeed a hot mess.
Excellent post. My 4 yr. old thought it was tuna around the "boobies" on the last cake. So, I guess they could be worse!
The last cake looks like it's screaming. Oh, God, please kill that last cake and end the screaming. I can hear it. Make it go away. Screaming! Screaming!
Actually I liked the idea of the second cake. How cute to make it a merry go round. On the other hand the execution.....should be held at midnight.
AWESOME narration today!!!
*standing, clapping enthusiastically**
HILARIOUS!! I could hear the voices of Heidi, Tim, Nina, and Michael while I was reading!
Kelly - not a HP reference - Tim actually says that.
For the love of God, what was that last thing? I mean, cake. Maybe.
The Judges and I always seem to disagree...
haha!
I actually think the carousel idea was super cool... just executed very, very poorly!
I give this post a thumbs up!
Never posted before, but had to report my three-year-old's assessment of these cakes:
"It's painful and happy!"
Elizabeth K.
San Diego, CA
I have never seen PR, but I imagine it's similar to other "reality/contest" show where the judges have you going "Huh? Really? Ugh."
Kelly's cake was a just a mess! At least make stripes look cool instead of throwing them on there like the flotsam butterflies.
Mikeal's cake was so darn busy! OMG too. many. colors. Eye strain!!!
On Lindsay's cake I'm guessing these are supposed to be Japanese characters of some sort? Why are there B-Bs on a cake (sarcasm)?
Had Frederick just left well enough alone, it would have been a nice cake. But nooooooo! He had to go and try his hand at airbrushing.
I immediately saw boobies on Santiago's cake. No wonder the judges liked it. They couldn't see past them to notice the dragon had poo-ears.
Waaaaaay too much shiny on the horsey carousel cake. I would worry about ingesting metallics.
Also? Dragon cake is terrifying.
http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow"> Seriously??... Reeeally?..... Seriously?
Just sayin'.
Where's the disclaimer? But I love it. (And on a side note, what were the judges thinking this past couple of seasons? Man…)
and now I'm re-evaluating a comment I got last week about my blog being "a hot mess"...
So hilarious! Loved this post!!
That second cake truly is a mash up of fashion and cake...what with all that inedible ribbon. BLECH!
I gotta say, I just don't get how there can be soooo many wrecks in the world, and I have never ONCE been fortunate enough to find one in person!
Never would have seen the dragon if you hadn't pointed it out. And I still think the dragon's horns look like jalapenos, not kiwi fruit!
On the other hand, you KNOW that some party of little girls somewhere are loving that carousel cake - if they can overlook the fact that two horses are facing backwards.
wv: insum. In sum, a fabulous post.
...this troubles me...
Possibly one of the best Cake Wrecks posts ever!! LOVE IT! All the names are hilarious and the kiss from a rose reference made me laugh:)
Oh, that was brilliant! You're also a Project Runway fan?! I think my boyfriend is going to be jealous over how much I love you :)
I do agree that the carosel concept had potential. In the hands of someone with decorating talent, that is.
The plaid roses one -- whomever did the reasonably good roses probably considered violence against the airbrusher. Then again, all-white was pretty wrecky
And the "winner"-- well, give them credit for impressive piping skills.
And it was a nice homage of Santino's over-the-top tacky designs.
Perfect and possibly my favorite post thus far! Bravo!
Carry on...
Loved the Project Runway theme! I heard Heidi, Michael and Nina giving the critiques in my head! Bravo!
On a Reality TV side note, did anyone see Top Chef Just Desserts where Zac described his anniversary cake as a cake wreck? I felt bad for the guy but... Awesome!!!
My favorite post ever! I am at work and have tears running down my face from trying to not literally LOL. Brilliant job!
HAHAHAHA! Awesome! I love it when I get to experience a mash-up of my favorite things. You captured the spirit perfectly.
I'm glad I'm not the only one devoting valuable minutes of my life on Thursday nights to Project Runway. Ha! There are many of us!
My personal favorite here is Lindsay's effortlessly cheap, err I mean chic, over-the-top cake. I wish somebody would give me a cake like that.
Ahh the Santiago cake, I'm sure everyone will want cakes like that after seeing its brilliance...or something.
I think the carousel cake had potential. It just had too much going on and in such unappealing colors.
Brilliant! Bravo!
Give credit where it's due: The icing roses on that second one ARE really pretty. The rest of it is horrible, but the roses are pretty.
WV - dianized: Resembling the ensemble Princess Di wore on her wedding day, but not in a good way.