Confessions Of A Master Baker
April 28, 2014 Welcome to another installment of...
Confessions of a Master Baker!
"Ordinary bakers. Extraordinary feats of bad judgment."
[baker's silhouette speaking in disguised voice]
"I guess I got a bit carried away with the chocolate drizzle -- you know, it's always a bit of a crap shoot..."
;)
"I made my mother-in-law deliver it."
[whispered] Confessions...
"...and then I found myself smashing a disco ball on top of it."
;)
[small sob] "I figured the lights would blind anyone who got too close!"
[whispered] Revelations...
"They loved skiing. Nothing says 'skiing' like giant plastic pickles and shredded Parmesan, right?" [hiccups]
;)
"I didn't realize how bad it was 'til the bride threw it at me."
[whispered] Disclosures...
"They said they wanted 'steampunk,' so I googled it. Gears, tentacles, balloons - I was all, 'Hey, I got this.'"
;)
"And, boy, did I get it."
[sound of pages flipping]
Uh... ah!
[whispering] Formal professions of guilt...
"So then I said, 'hey, you know what'd be cute? Camouflage butterflies."
;)
"But the bride just didn't see it."
Next week... on Confessions of a Master Baker:
"So I figured, put the babies ON the carrots..."
[light behind figures fades to black]
Thanks to Jessica W., Michelle B., Melanie J., Stella P., & Natalie S. for the delicious divulgences.
*****
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Reader Comments (43)
You know, that last cake looks pretty good, if only they'd left off the camouflage butterflies. Or done those piped chocolate Monarch butterflies (in yellow if it please the bride).
Most of these cakes seem to be a failure to know when to stop. The basics were pretty good. It was the details that got them. And the tentacles.
So, on the "ski slope" bride and groom cake, to me, it looks like it's green dinosaur poop, as much as pickles. Maybe it can be a new CW subclassification in the whole pooh genré.
I was fine until the last sentence, "Put the babies ON the carrots" and now you owe me a new keyboard. Mine is full of tea.
Once again I hope Neil Young never sees this, though I'd like to think he looks at Cake Wrecks every day.
Oh to ski on Pickle Mountain
With the bakers and their steam punk balloon
You can’t have talent on Pickle Mountain
Though your apology
Can’t ever be too soon
Can’t ever be too soon
That nice shiny disco ball
should not be there at all
Nor the moths dressed as for war
The bride kicked it to the floor
Oh to ski on Pickle Mountain
Where the awful chocolate drips make brides swoon
You can’t have talent on Pickle Mountain
Though your apology
Can’t ever be too soon
Can’t ever be too soon
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Love it! Brilliant!
Oh, and "plastic pickles and shredded parmesan" = pretty much how I want to decorate every cake I make from now on.
Well, giant plastic pickle pine makes more sense than the fresh jalapenos my brain saw. Yep, at least there's that.
Boy, I've been reading CW too long. I had the same reaction as @Muria above: "Hmm, not bad--if only the baker had stopped at __________."
I kinda like a cake with tentacles, though. Tasty, tasty tentacles.
Here is my reaction upon seeing the last cake:
"Augh! What the HELL is THAT?"
Disco Ball?! I thought that was the Death Star doing its thing.
SuBee- I will be singing Pickle mountain all day
BW- after a couple years you learn to take tiny sips when reading CW
Aside from the unfortunate seletion of color combination, the disco ball is kind of cute.....If I were a bride, I would much rather walk into a reception to this than many other wrecks we've seen....
Oh my goodness...that teal & orange, steampunk monstrosity must have caused Jen to curl into a fetal position and weep!
@SuBee: If he sees it, he'll be proud of you.
@SuBee: sweet!
Hahahahaha!!! Thanks, CW Team!
The steampunk cake has...what are those? Blisters? Elmer's glue bubbles? What the Frosting?!!! All I know is that I really want to pop them. So badly!
Also, the trees on the ski cake look like turds that have been painted green and sprayed with shellac.
...STILL freaking out over the last cake. I'm pretty sure that's fungus and not camo. Those poor butterflies died a horrid fungus-y death!
The revenge of Groomzilla! And steampunk? Steampumpkin!
I'm a little worried, because I actually like Disco Ball Cake, minus the disco ball. Maybe even with the disco ball, if there was a theme there we don't know about. Am I missing something?
Heh, for that fourth cake, it looks like they really did "just glue some gears on it and call it steampunk"
Bwahaha, although the steampunk cake is the least worst O_o
I am now unable to unsee coconut cakes as shredded parm cakes.
I love the disco ball and WILL have one on my anniversary cake, but the color of the cake I'm now calling "my inspiration" is terrible:) To address the Camo Moth Cake, I, unlike the bride, do see it, I just wish I did not.
Just glue some gears on it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFCuE5rHbPA
that's the trendy fashion nowadays...
I actually think the disco ball cake was really well done, minus the disco ball. The colors are a bit strange but I know some brides are adamant on certain colors no matter how much we cake decorators try to talk them out of it lol. And that poor poor steampunk cake. It could have been an awesome cake if the decorator had any sense about them. Those tentacles are hideous. And what kind of chocolate is on that first cake?? It looks like runny diarrhea. Blegch!
The first one looks like they both had diarrhea and it ran down the cake. But the ski slope one does me in. The trees look like dog poo that grew mold on it.
I at first read "confessions of a Master Blaster" which, in this case, is kinda the same thing. . . .
@SuBee: Pickle Mountain is now my favorite song!
The pickles and the tentacles were just too much.
@Skate, I think the problem with disco ball cake is that there's a whole lot going on with this cake, and none of it seems to "go": purplish brown polka dots, green ellipses, plastic flowers galore, and a disco ball all atop an inedible shade of magenta. It seems to be decently made, but I think we can definitely call into question the taste of the bride or perhaps the ability of the decorator to properly interpret the bride's vision.
I don't get to see cake wreaks until 3 in the afternoon. After a bad at work, you folks make it all better. Thanks a million. I, too, have learned not to drink anything while on CW. Can't wait for tomorrow.
Add me to those that felt the disco ball was pretty well done. But I agree- too much stuff! The colors are odd, but that may have been what was requested. The cake itself doesn't go at all with the flowers, and who knows where the disco ball comes in.
And the steampunk cake. I too am wondering what those clear bubbles are. They remind me of jellyfish that I've seen washed up on the beach. They look gooey to me.
I kind of like the Steampunk Balloon Tentacle cake...
I have to agree with others on the disco ball cake. The cake itself is actually well done. To call it a wreck because of the flowers and disco ball (and blame the baker) is a little unfair. As someone who used to be a decorator for a high end cake company, a lot of times you have no control over the flowers or toppers. There were many times when I got to a site and had to trust the florist to put that stuff on.
We're cake predators.
It's the circle of life, whoa.
The white bug escapes.
The first cake looks like it got in the way when I was running back and forth to the bathroom this morning. O.O no further detals necessary.
@BW, I think if Jen did a survey, abiut 89% of us have suffered some sort of computer and/or bodily harm because we combined beverages with reading this blog.
If they're going to use real flowers on a cake, for the love of everyone, at least use some that are edible! Petunias are NOT edible!! I've never seen fake petunias... and these ones look too good to be fake. That disturbs me more than the disco ball!
I swear the hidden butterflies cake looks like it is melting into a pile of mold poo. Blech. If I were the bride I would have probably made the wreckerator eat it first lol. My goodness.
I have been reading CW for a year, and for some reason that ski cake was the first cake to compel me to comment. I can feel the bride's sheer horror. I am a patient person, but I would have flung that cake at whoever delivered it.
I like the disco ball one! Maybe a slightly smaller disco ball, but wouldn't be unhappy with that. THe others, no thanks...
I'm dying over here SueBee. Your song will be sung as I browse these photos again!
Why do the bride and groom want to cheese-ski through martian-poop-henge?
My biggest problem with the "steampunk" cake is the random snot balls.. they cannot be unseen.
I actually really like the disco ball cake. The base is pretty good, but is kinda ruins by the flowers. The disco ball just ads the right amount of ridiculousness to save it from the (real) flowers that seem to have sprouted all over the cake.
On the other hand I am a musician and so legitimately have the right to clam the eccentricity card.
I think the second cake is actually well done, if you take off the disco ball and flowers.