Ken Day Come-Ons: The Squelching
March 13, 2014 Last year after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.
Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.
So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.
*****
And now the original:
[dimming lights]
[queuing up sexy saxophone music]
[adjusting Speedo]
Hey, Bebeh.
;)
Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.
;)
Except maybe that one.
(Never again, Cancun. NEVER AGAIN.)
That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:
;)
Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.
Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:
;)
I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]
What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking?
Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?
;)
I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.
(*That one's for you, decorators.)
These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.
Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:
;)
Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.
[grunting]
[squelching noises]
Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:
;)
Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS.
Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.
;)
[jiggle jiggle]
Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.
*****
Update from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.
So I present to you... The chipmunk version!
*****
Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.
Reader Comments (53)
Crying. Crying. About the chipmunk version...oh the humanity
Ginger Snape: That would be Earring Magic Ken. He's what happens when a bunch of toy executives say 'we need a new look for Ken. Find a bunch of pretty men, and copy what they're wearing', and the scouts happen upon an entire bar full of pretty men... Thus, you get a mesh shirt, a faaabulous 'do, and a.. er... *cough*ring around his neck.
Needless to say, he got pulled pretty fast from the shelves, and is considered one of the more collectable Ken dolls out there... which makes putting him in a cake something of a questionable thing...
Oh. My. God. I was laughing so hard my family was wondering what was wrong with me. Then I showed my mother the video and she was laughing, too. We both had tears coming out of our eyes from laughing so hard! Thank you CW and friends for all the LOLs I've gotten to have while visiting, and being able to share them with family!