Wedding Wrecks, Vol. 215
November 19, 2014 It's your wedding day. Of COURSE you want sprinkles.
;)
Er...
Did the camel sneeze?
Brides-to-be, want your cake to convey a sense of elegance in addition to the fun, campy style normally reserved for peanut vendors and clown cars? Then have I got the cake for you!
;)
(Levitating tiers come standard. Cake stand extra.)
Or perhaps you'd prefer something less colorful. Something that evokes less "Big Top" and more "Sewer Pipe...with Flowers":
;)
You could call this color a blue/grey/green. Or "hurk," which is faster and more accurate.
Still hungry? This'll help:
;)
I'm reminded of a song my dad used to sing to me when I was little. Maybe you know it. Does "Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts" ring any bells? (Man, they just don't write lullabies like they used to...)
Hey, you know how we're always wondering why more wedding cakes don't use Mardi Gras beads?
Well, wonder no more!
;)
These colors are making me a little queasy.
Which is ironic, considering the Pepto Bismol icing.
[dramatic movie trailer voice]
"She was the belle of the ball, the picture of elegance.
He was a rough country boy who'd never seen a fork.
Together, they would create something the world had never seen.
Something ground breaking.
Something divisive.
Something... well, kind of prickly."
;)
And that's why you always let the groom have his cake, ladies.
Thanks to Karen M., Karin D., Judy M., Anony M., Danielle T., & Jennifer C. who would all like a stabby piece, please.
*****
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Reader Comments (51)
Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
mutilated monkey meat
teeny weeny piggy feet
all put together with Aunt Jemima's pancake mix......
and I forgot my spoooooooooonnnnnnnn
(That's the version I've always sung. No doubt there are plenty of others)
Just when I thought you couldn't match yesterday's post, you go and match yesterday's post.
I just can't help picturing the Mardi Gras bead cake on a revolving cake stand that spins just fast enough to keep those beads flying out from the cake like an amusement park ride. The more I think about it, the more I want one.
With a camel on top. It has to have a camel...
Trying to understand Cake #4's topper: Bambi, next to a Coleman lantern, watching bride drag groom off as she holds a....rifle? Snowshovel? No Hunting sign? Brain. Broken.
Bahahahahahaha
Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the Tacky Я Us store....
Yay! Wedding Wrecks!
#1 - I could see where a wedding cake with confetti sprinkles or nonpareils could be really fun. Haphazardly tossed pink sugar, not so much....
#2 is confusing. Is that from a wedding or is someone really using that image to promote their bakery? Either way, yikes!
#3 looks like one of those "well-meaning relative/neighbor/friend" displays. Brides, no matter how much money they claim they'll save you, don't agree to it!
#4 would have been ruined by that "reluctant groom" topper anyway.
#5 would have been great with just about ANY other color scheme.
#6 - AwwweeeeuUUGH!
#4 Pretty (pathetic) in Pink.
OOOPSIE I meant to say #5 not #5.
So good they're bad...
I kinda like the beads on the pink cake!
The sprinkled pink sugar in #1 didn't disturb me half as much as the camel did!
With the reluctant groom/deer cake, at first glance I thought it was a dog peeing on a fire hydrant, next to the groom, who had passed out.
I literally (LITERALLY!) LOL'd at "hurk".(insert snorts and giggles). I have a new favourite word. I can't even type it without giggling. I've been ruined for the day. Good job!
The penultimate cake reminds me of Disney's Cinderella in the getup her animal friends assembled. It looked good except for the green necklace against the pink dress.
I kinda like the last cake. I like the tension between the elegant cake and the camo. It's a bit like modern art.
Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Saturated snake snot
Mounds of minced monkey meat
French fried frog legs floating in a pool of blood
And me without a spoon
(But I got a straaaaaw)
That's how we sang it - not a good thought when you're in bed with a stomach bug!
Okay, I have to post the version I learned at church camp. I learned a lot of things at church camp. ;-)
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
Stimulated monkey meat
Urdy, dirty, birdy feet
French fried eyeballs floating in a bowl of blood
And me without my spoon
But I've got my straaaaaaaaaaw
Yeah, stimulated monkey meat makes no sense to me either. But it doesn't make any less sense to me than camoflage at a wedding. I grew up poor in rural Arkansas, so I know how important hunting is--sometimes hunted meat and garden vegetables were all we had to eat. But that did not mean we camo-d up the church fellowship hall for weddings!
Several of these don't qualify as wrecks to me.
#2 -- The workmanship is excellent. Just look at those flowers! And the stripes are evenly spaced, and the feathering on them is fabulous. If you don't like the colors, that's a matter of personal taste, not a reflection on the baker.
#5 -- Again, if you don't like the colors, that's your problem, not the baker's. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get swags like that to space evenly around the cake? And they did it flawlessly, and the ruffles are perfectly piped.
#6 -- OMG, that cake is AWESOME! The workmanship is FABULOUS. I'd love to see some close-ups on that one. If this is a fail, it's from the customer's side for insufficient specification.
We had this one: "Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat
Little, dirty birdie feet,
All dressed up with double-purpose porpoise pus
And I forgot my spoon!"
I never realized before today's other commenters that (apparently) this childhood gem is...what...? Regional?
Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Little dirty birds feet.
French fried eyeballs swimming in a pool of blood
And me without my fork
But I got my straw!
(slurp! slurp!) Ah!
I love these because you usually can see what the wreckerator was aiming for before they misfired and missed by a mile. Except, no. 2. I can't even imagine what the original concept was for this . . . . thing.
That second one reminds me more of hard candies than clowns.
My husband just pointed out that if you scroll up and down, the Mardi Gras bead cake DOES look as if it's spinning. I'm so glad I married that guy.
I'm also glad I didn't need to have a wedding cake like that last one!
As an artist, I really appreciate a name for a new color-"hurk" is so very accurately descriptive. Thanks so much for a label that puts a mental picture right in there! Now, any suggestions on how I forget that color?
P.S. I like that camel so much, I think I need one to put on every cake from now on. Hey, maybe we could take yesterday's llama and add a camel to it...
Great big globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Chopped up baby parakeet
Great big eyeballs rolling down the dirty street
And me without my spoon!
I was a bit distracted at first with the camel on top of the first cake. Why a camel? And then... "Watch out. They spit."
I am always in awe of what people think is a good idea for a wedding cake.
Now the last cake is an interesting concept which lost quite a lot in the execution. I just don't know anymore.
Cans and cans of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat
Little dirty birdy feet
All topped off with regurgitated vulture vomit
Sit right down and have a spoooon!
:-)
#s 3 and 4 remind me of a friend's wedding.
She was making her own cake and had planned a castle design.
I got a call that morning. "It's GREEN!!!" Whut? "MY WEDDING CAKE IS GREEN!!!!"
Apparently the gel colors had separated and the nice grey stone was a frightening muddy drab green.
We ended up getting creative, tinting everything a bit more green, did a bit of restructuring, and it was a "Wizard's Garden" with some lovely fresh flowers.
Here's the version I learned at Girl Scout camp (yes, Mom & Dad...those GS fees were WELL spent LOL!):
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey feet
Petrified parakeet!
French fried eyeballs rolling down the muddy street
and I forgot my spoon!
Gave me a straw, I went
SLURP it was gooooood
SLURP it was gooooood
SLURP it was gooooood
Gave me a straw, I went
SLURP it was gooooood
I'm glad I forgot my spoon!
For that last one, "Did you see Tiffany Sue and Bobby Joe's wedding cake? Wasn't that just the most darling thing you've ever seen? Bless their hearts."
Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little birdie's dirty feet.
French fried eyeballs dipped in spider blood,
Eaten without a spoon or straw!
SLUUUURP!
I'm just glad my wedding cake was nothing like any of these.
The camel from the first cake is from the Willowtree Nativity. What exactly are they trying to tell us here...
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little birdies bloody feet
Oh, boy what a good and tasty treat
And I forgot my spoon.
I used to sing this to my daughter, among other camp songs, as lullabies. I thought she wouldn't remember, but she does. She turned out normal in spite of it.
I have to agree that these are not the worst wedding wrecks I've seen on this site . . . which is rather sad, when you think about it.
I kinda like the second one with the circus-y look, although the topper seems out of proportion. And I honestly think the last one was well done but could have done without the prickly plastic flora on the one side (not edible, I assume). But considering some of the other cakes we've seen with ribbon around the layers, this one at least looks as though it was done by someone who had seen a cake before.
The cake topper on #4 is abominable, though. I've always hated those "bride drags groom" thingies, especially when witnessed by a perplexed deer by lantern light. (Which is a thing now, right?)
With your text on that second to last cake...I seriously thought of Steel Magnolias. It's been so long since I've seen it, but I remember something about the wedding colors looking like a bottle of pepto bismol, LOL!
I'd have to agree with Lee that #4 and #5 are well made (#2, however, not so much). Unless you have some "the bride wanted this..." pictures, I'd kind of have to assume the failures are on the part of the brides' taste. And, yes, #5 is the best reason for the existence of a groom's cake I've ever seen. (Although the ability to have one more flavor of cake is a pretty good reason in and of itself!)
And:
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Chopped-up baby parakeet
French fried eyeballs in a pot of blood
Rats! I forgot my sppon!
(I'll use a straw!)
... also learned in Girl Scouts.
Thanks to all of the versions of the song, I can't remember mine! It's been that long.
One more day of, as my friend Robin loves to say, "they walk amongst us, and . . . "
Our version was :
Great big globs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts,
marinated monkey meat,
little birdies' dirty feet,
french-fried eyeballs dipped in kerosene,
and I forgot my spooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnn
Love the "clown car" comment about cake #2. It made me laugh! It's well done I guess, but it is hideous!
So many versions of the gopher guts song! One more?
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
Chopped up parakeet
Mutilated monkey feet
French fried eyeballs sizzling in a frying pan
Oops! I forgot my spoon, but I've got my straw
Sluuurp! Aah!
Motion to officially rename that color "hurk". All in favor, say aye.
In defense of the Mardi Gras beads, at least they were evenly spaced and draped. Success?
Relooking at cake #1, it reminds me of that Sesame Street "skit" where the orange sits on a kitchen counter and sings opera, and she has flower petals for eyelashes. Anyone?
Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Turdy, urdy, birdy feet
Mutilated monkey meat
And a jar of all-purpose porpoise pus
But I forgot my spoon
That last one looks to me like a sign of a strong marriage. Two different personalities come together to create something that represents them both... equally. A wedding cake to get the marriage off to a good start!
wow, there's a lot of variations there. Been trying to remember what we used to sing.
Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Chopped up parakeet
Minced with monkey meat
French fried eyeballs swimming in a bowl of blood.
Shucks, I forgot my spoon.
Lee, not all Wrecks are the baker's fault. Have you seen the groom's cake shaped like a toilet? It was beautifully done.
That first cake - do you think the camel is because the bride & groom were smokers? Could explain a lot.
I actually really like the last one. I don't like all the random prickly flora on the groom side, but that actually looks like a cake my sister-in-law would have chosen. It's very unconventional, sure, but very well done and, in my opinion, a really neat concept. Of course, to each his own.
The one with the wedding couple and the camel made me think of the great (and very romantic!) Linda Ronstadt song, "Midnight at the Oasis." Wonder if that wasn't what the bride had in mind...
Well now I know to never order pink on any cake ever. Especially if it turns into a pepto nightmare lol. Scary and I am sure the bride needed tums after seeing it.
On No. 2, the groom appears to be holding up the bride, who looks as if she's about to faint. "Oh dear, I'm standing on giant pieces of candy in a purple bridal gown." And the "flowers?" I have no words for those.
#5 Pepto cake. Is nobody else seeing the rows and rows of droopy boobies? I know they are supposed to swags. But the beads are hung at the wrong angle and too long.
Would love to have been there when someone asked the baker how to cut a cake covered in necklaces.
What's with all the mutilated monkey meat (or feet)? Everyone knows the actual line is "chopped up monkey butts"!
Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
chopped up monkey butts,
percolated baby poo,
french fried eyeballs floating in a bowl of blood,
WHOOPS! I forgot my spoon....but I brought my straw!