Wrecky Roughage
October 22, 2014 According to this survey I'm about to make up, 74% of us don't get enough fiber in our diets. Unless you're British. In which case you don't get enough fibre. And you spell things wrong.
Fortunately, the bakeries of the world are here to help.
;)
I think we'll call this Faeber.
I DO believe in Faeber. I do, I do!!
TRUE STORY: Last week our cat Tonks decided to eat a piece of ribbon because she is, by all accounts, an idiot. Now if you're a cat owner, you know that she will most likely end up dragging a two foot piece of poo-coated ribbon across our carpet while we sleep, blissfully unaware of the impending cleaning bills.
Which makes me wonder: Does the same thing happen with kids?
;)
Admit it: you just had a mental image of a bunch of toddlers scootching their butts across the carpet.
Now, of course, if plastic is your fiber of choice, then have I got a cake for you!
;)
It's like a cartoon colonic.
In fact, bakers really seem to be embracing the Dollar Depot movement: (Heh. "Movement.") Case in point: Ashley ordered a little boy's cake, something appropriate for a first birthday.
Aaaand this is what she got:
;)
...'cuz nothing's more appropriate for a one-year-old than twenty-two individual choking opportunities.
"No, Palmer, Sweetie, you can't eat that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. No! Not that! Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Whoah! Definitely not that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Maybe th...no, not that, either.
"Or that."
Diana F., Kasia R., Wicked Princess, & Ashley P., I think the brown sprinkles might be safe, if you want to chance it.
NOTE: This post is from a few years ago, so rest assured Tonks is fine. And more importantly, so is our carpet.
*****
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Reader Comments (46)
On Palmer's cake (the last cake) - what is the choking hazard in the way back supposed to be? Looks like a Moroccan airport employee wearing a red fez guiding incoming planes to the gate.
Well, @cc, that's clearly a, um, an, uh...hey look, a choo-choo!
Ahh, cats. A while back my cat had a piece of grass about an inch long sticking out of her nose, sneezing and wheezing and trying to get rid of it. My daughter held her while I pulled the grass out and I was holding in my hand an eight inch, mucus covered stem of grass. I screamed and threw it, where it stuck to the wall. I had to get help to clean it off the wall.
Of course, my children, when they were sick made much bigger messes...and I certainly won't go into details about it. But the children definitely made grosser messes that the animals did.
@cc: I'm almost 100% sure it's a clown, but why he's holding flares is beyond me. Also, WHY is the International Man of Mystery holding a trident? It being such a common accessory and all...
@cc: That's exactly what that is! What~ you don't think the planes could use a little help? Frankly, I'm more concerned about the guy directing traffic on the left side of the cake, because there has obviously been a Major Malfunction on the grounds of this carnival. Look: that mini dump truck is sprinkling mouse droppings without a permit, and Mr.Pitchfork is NOT happy. I feel a disturbance in the farce. =^-.-^=
Jen, John...I have always been a cat owner and I hear ya! This is the reason we don't put 'tinsel' on our Christmas trees, becuase as you know, they love to eat ribbons, tinsel and the like, for the very reason you stated Tonks does. I bet you too, have seen the tiny last inch of tinsel/ribbon hanging out of their mouths, just as they are about to swallow. I did. Grabbed it and pulled very slowly and gently as the whole length came out covered in cat saliva. Hey, it's better than coming out the other end, what a lovely image! LOL
Is that Inigo Montoya holding the trident? "PREPARE TO DIE!"
And I really hope tran (?) This Many enjoyed his cake. I counted 11 different themes/shows, not including the 3 I couldn't identify due to the light shining on the lid. And what aficionado of Dora, Handy Manny, etc wants a toothy snarling dinosaur/reptile on his cake anyway? "Yes, dear, Handy Manny, Spongebob, Patrick, Dora and all the rest wish you a Happy Birthday (well, Feliz Navidad in Dora's case). But that one's going to get you! Now smile for the camera."
I remember this post every time the cat tries to grab my dental floss or when I consider getting tinsel for the Christmas tree. The other day he found an actual ribbon that my husband had used to tie a pen to a clipboard. And, yes, I thought of you again. This post has become part of my life.
Well, I have to admit that once I saw all the poo jokes, I thought: "This must have been written by John!" Sorry, hubby of Jen.
I had a different image in mind when you were talking about the ribbon. No, you don't want to know what it was. It was worse than these cakes.
Palmer's cake is riot -- and you COULD take that literally. I think the finishing touch to this glorious, hazardous mess is that the frosting looks like some little kid has already gotten his hands on it and started smooshing before the party started. Palmer, indeed.
@cc: I was going to say that thing was a clown, but now I'm not so sure. It just looks like the circus barfed all over this cake.
That Moroccan in the red fez is a juggling clown.
The third cake says "I am this many", but there is no number, so I guess we're supposed to count the flotsam bits which makes it 19.
@cc: I thought it was a chef brandishing two rolling pins and yelling in a Monty Pythonish French accent, "Remove yourselves from my pastry, you evil beings of flotsam..."
Our cat Esme's, er, output tends to be of the upper GI type. She loves to eat ribbon, too, but then she leaves beautiful, brightly speckled and beribboned sausages of . . . well, you get the picture, I'm sure.
Other than that, she's absolutely lovely. Unlike these "cakes" (I THINK there's cake under the plastic flotsam somewhere).
Bwah, @cc I love your interpretation. I think you nailed it!
When I first spied cake #1 I stopped in mid-scroll to examine it. I blinked a few times. And then, I came to realize, that is the ugliest cake I've ever seen! And, since I frequent this site almost daily, that's sayin' something!
@cc, I think it might be a very plain-looking, juggling clown, maybe?
Even with all that ribbon, at least the customer should be able to take it all off in just one piece. It just might be only kid-friendly cake of the bunch.
About your cat pooping the ribbon - Remember those silver plastic "icicles" you used to put on the Christmas tree? My sister once pulled one out of her toddler's diaper. She told me "My baby craps silver!"
Well, at least you've got enough tchotchkes on these cakes that all the young attendees at the birthday celebrations get to take one home. Certainly cuts down on the goody bag hassle.
Dear Cake Wrecks:
No doubt you have been wondering where we have been recently so as to allow you, with apparent impunity, to willingly and willfully continue to malign the outstanding bakers of this great nation of ours through the consistent and repetitive reposting of what you collectively call “cake wrecks,” the definition of which you cavalierly cite as “finding the funny” in cakes while consistently comically critiquing the carefully crafted concepts cleverly constructed and often concealed in the aforementioned cakery.
Our firm has been in Scandinavia, as part of a legal exchange program. We were international observers in a case where a man brought a tort against Mort who allegedly stole a torte shaped like a fort and later had it served with port from a fancy decanter that held a quart, by his Scandinavian butler, Jort (who was also his cohort in this case, with Ellen, his consort.)
He claimed it was a crime he tried to abort, but when taken to court, and the Judge, who had a wart, heard that, all he did was snort and asked where Jort went. He went Nort’ the man replied
Part of the problem was the plaintiff, a Scotsman – Milt – said some of the torte spilt on his kilt (he said it with a lilt) and then added Mort gave him a quilt, for the man was well built, and then he admitted his guilt, and began to wilt. The judge found Mort full of guilt to the hilt, and sentenced him to three years shoveling silt.
But we are back now, and are concerned about the post at hand. Once again we must take umbrage (and if it’s raining, we’ll take an umbrella) at the way you have treated these highly decorative, and meaningful cakes. These fine works were created not by a decorator, but by a musician as part of the historic event Edible Études: Composers Conceptualize Cake Concertos. During this event a famous composer was asked to realize a musical piece through the medium of frosting.
Our firm represents that composer, who, for now, will remain unnamed, pending the outcome of this endeavor. He is no musical malingerer. His most famous work was “Still Life with Pianissimo,” a rather quiet piece, which was his forte. He was instrumental in developing experimental music, most notably “Concerto for Strings.” Unfortunately, no one knew what to do with the pieces of string he provided; they just couldn’t tie it all together, and the musicians felt roped into something they were unfamiliar with…the notes were not written in the usual fashion but were all entwined together and knot easy to read. This composer also had a problem with his “Aria,” written in the key of skeleton, but was more successful with his whimsical number named in honor of the starfish, which can regenerate its limbs. He playfully entitled this brisk little work “A-Leg-Gro.”
But to the cakes. In this first work he has captured the lightness of the elfin faery. A playful little number, indeed, called, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, based upon the bending posture of the creatures, “Faery Derrie-Air.”
The second cake pays homage to an old song by the Byrds, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” While you might think plastic terns would be appropriate on this masterpiece, the composer has shunned the obvious in favor of symbolic curled, or “turning” ribbons and the clever and subtle – yet obvious – use of the musical sign for a turn, also known as a Gruppetto, a sideways “s” shape. This delightful decoration shows that our client is as connected to rock as he is to the classics.
In the next cake the composer has paid homage to the Sprinkles and Age Theory via the copious use of them for the young child’s cake, while good-naturedly referencing his own work for strings through the use of the “string” border. Based upon the rousing song “Hail, hail, the gang’s all here,”
which is echoed in the salutation written on the cake, the composer’s congratulatory cake confirms his comprehension of childhood cakery.
And finally, a little boy’s cake. Filled with fast cars, powerful machinery, loud boats, roaring monsters and other activities that represent the active child, this classic highlights music that is not always music to a mother’s ears – the boisterousness of boys. Not surprisingly, it called “Car-cophany.”
Therefore, as we have aptly demonstrated, these so called “wrecks” are musical masterpieces, composed by a man of note, classics in their unique way, and definitely not appropriate for this site. We ask that you post an apology and feature these on a future Sunday Sweets, which is, of course, their rightful location.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
On that last cake it looks like a Sigalert going on!
I think the Moroccan in the red fez is a clown. When I was little, you know, when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, I had a couple of weird little figures and one of them looked a lot like that thing. Another one I remember was a little guy that looked like Dagwood, but his head came off.
I also read that as Happy 11st Birthday Palmer, which totally fits the erm...theme of this wreck.
Bahahaha@mel XD as for the cakes-I think they just throw crap on them, otherwise they just look like crap :P
Once again, @mel works hard to entertain the masses and makes women all over the world fall in love with him. ;-)
The choking hazard in the fez is actually a clown.
@SaraCVT: The snarling thing on the Dora & Co. cake is actually Venom, one of the Spiderman villans and still one of my most feared creatures to ever come out of Saturday morning cartoons. It still gives me the creeps and is even more terrifying than just a dinosaur would be. *hides*
Is it wrong that I hope the soccer ball in the last cake is a whole ball that the wreckorator has just crammed into the cake? I think that would be awesome, because you know they'd have to hold the cake with their other hand to really get it in there. I'm going to smile all day imagining the puffy white hat and a tongue pinched between teeth as they cram on the last 20 pieces of "finishing touch" plastic.
And mel, Jodee is right you know :)
What is the blue thing under the fire hat?
That's a skateboard dear Liza, dear Liza, dear Liza.
That's a skateboard dear Liza a skateboard of blue.
I know I'm no Sharyn, but I keep trying:)
We spell things wrong?
You mangle our language and still dare to call it English, and then accuse us of spelling it "wrong" - If you want to call your spelling accurate, change the name of what you speak!
love from one of your neighbours on the correct side of the pond ;-)
But why, oh why, has no one mentioned the blue horsehead emerging from the engine compartment of the blue race car on the Carcophony cake? (Which could, indeed, lead to a coughing cacophony were the youngsters allowed free access.)
I, too, would affirm my regard for mel, but that'd just be the icing on the cake.
My dog is named Tonks!!! Yippee, we're both nerds!! ;)
Bit of a mean comment to all the English fans of Cake Wrecks :(
[Editor's note- No. No it's not. It's kidding about a difference in spelling. Nobody could possibly be offended by that. If you joked that I was pronouncing aluminum incorrectly, we would both chuckle and drink our tea and move on with our day. If you truly are annoyed by this, if you truly were offended by gentle kidding over letter placement, you need to unplug your computer right now and throw it away. Because hey. I'm all about being offended by every. Little. Thing. But this. THIS. Is stupid. -john]
@TokaiyaBMalfoy: Not to be difficult, but just to clear up the clearing-up: two words: Native American.
According to the latest gallop poll (conducted by pollsters escaping stampedes) after dinosaurs, and before the "Brits"...there were some other folks going about the business of living, right here. Now, I really curled up and slept my way through history classes (all of them), so feel free to refute/argue/tell me I'm nuts.TIME'S UP. File a complaint with my secretary... =^u.u^=
Let's not forget that "British" spelling is in fact used everywhere English is an established language except America. And sometimes Canada, because things just can't be simple. Fact is, most of the differing spellings between were a deliberate reform after your revolution to differentiate yourselves from the parent country. Funny thing is, English orthography probably could use some reform, but none of the words Webster messed with are ones that actually need it.
I like using Canadian English; it makes everyone pull out their red pens and get all twitchy about grammar!
I check my bank account to make sure my cheque has cleared; I drive in the center lane when heading to the shopping centre; I see movies at the theater and the ballet at the theatre. At one point, I even had a perfectly reasonable distinction for grey and gray, but I can't remember what it is now.
The cakes in this post embody a quote from author James Nicoll:
"...[English doesn't] just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and riffle their pockets for new vocabulary."
Not only have these bakers "rifled the pockets" to find new fiber/fibre, they made sure to put it ALL on the cakes where everyone can enjoy what they found!
@mindy1, @Jodee, @CBushLite, and @Nanalettie: thank you for your kind comments...I'm just here for the fun and hopefully can elicit a smile now and then....and, @Nanalettie -- icing on a cake is always nice... :-)
Is there any way to delete your comments on here? Because i want to delete that comment I posted. :'-( PLEASE tell me that there is............ I'm kinda new to this, and again, I'm REALLY sorry..... I am SO stupid............... Tell me HOW TO delete that comment..... If there is a way.......... :'"-"(
[Editor's note- Hi Tokaiya. I've deleted your comments. If I might make a suggestion, think about what you want to say before hitting submit. Have a good night. -john (the hubby of Jen)]
I'm pretty much just geeking out that you named your cat Tonks.
@Nanalettie: Because it's NOT a blue horsehead attached to the car. It's a blue number-one candle placed just directly BEHIND the car. And it's not Palmer's "11st" birthday, it's his 1st, as evidenced by the candle and a badly-drawn number-one outline in the lettering. (I'll admit I only figured this out when I saw your remark and looked REALLY close.)
There's enough weird on that cake it doesn't need a horsehead.
john (thoj) - please don't be offended by this little thing (hyphens are short, doncha know?), but I think you're terrific. ;)
Thank you for playing Dad and keeping us kiddies in line. Sorry we make you work so hard.
FWIW, I know it was a joke, but there was also a small element of truth in it. There are a lot of great teachers out there (for which I'm definitely grateful), but there are also some US teachers who would mark "fibre" or "colour" wrong on a spelling test. Most would probably just make a note about that not being the standard/recommended American spelling but...as far as I can tell, every profession has its boneheads. :s
Note: my browser's spell check has flagged both words in quotes above. Apparently it hasn't gone international either.
I imagine that if a student elsewhere used a US spelling they might also run the risk of being told they were incorrect, or at least called out for spelling like those wacky Americans. As the saying goes (possibly, but apparently not provably, by George Bernard Shaw), "England and America are two countries separated by the same language."
belphebe: I'm the same way about the theater & the theare. A theater is where you see movies & a theatre is where you see plays. Simple!
And on the third cake, does that say "From this Gang"? It's very prettily written, I just can't read it....
Getting offended by a spelling joke is just petty and stupid. I honestly don't know why certain people seem to think America needs to conform to their way of doing things. Why can't we be who we are and you be who you are and you, certain people, stop being so touchy and stuffy about every little thing? I love John's rebuttal. I agree, the reactions of some here on a HUMOR SITE are incredibly stupid. This world is becoming a politically correct disaster. smh
Have you see the new dolls that poop plastic charms? Initially I was horrified, but now I can see a cross over with the cakes here. Charm poop cakes!
If you would like to check the dolls out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXexeL3IQbI
Lol @mel. Yay Mr. Potato is back. Though I think if I was a client I might end up serving life making wrecks in some far off wreckery lol. Which is where I think most of these came from..eek.
@SaraCVT: Both Dora and Handy Manny would say Feliz Cumpleaños, since we are on the subject of mucking up languages. Though there's so much going on on that cake, throwing in a Merry Christmas for good measure would probably round things out nicely...
I love Cake Wrecks but flinched at the idea that your cat was okay, but 'more importantly' your carpet got clean. I am sorry, but in my opinion, that's just horrible.
@Arlene Marie: thank you...I appreciate your comment! And here's to hoping you never end up in some far off wreckery...lol....