Graphic Jams
August 22, 2013 [NOTE: Today's final wreck is slightly NSFW, although I did my best with the censor bars. Honest.]
***
Last night I was talking with friends about how my job here at CW is a little harder these days - not because bakers are making less wrecks, but because they're making them so graphic now that I can't post the worst offenders anymore.
Used to be I'd get all giddy when some colossally disgusting monstrosity came in. Now, I look at the photo-realistic bloody entrails or crowning viscera of a C-section, sculpted in painstaking anatomical correctness, and I'm all, "Welp. CAN'T POST THAT."
It's disheartening, let me tell ya.
(And don't get me started on erotic cakes. That entire market is one big wreck-fest, but can I post the fountains of phalluses? NoooOOooo. Not that I'd really want to, of course. Seeing that much fondant pubic hair does things to a person. Bad things.)
I ask you, bakers, whatever happened to good old fashioned screaming baby dolls jammed on top of sheet cakes?
;)
Isn't this traumatizing enough?
Or how about questioning the mother's identity while insinuating her "baby" is really just a good BM?
;)
I bet "Maggy" and "Little Crapper" will cherish this memory always.
If you really want to startle your clients, bakers, why not just throw a maternity shirt - a real one - over an edible sonogram? I mean, have you SEEN how scary those things are?
;)
Though I must admit, the urge to stick a bloody Alien head under that top would be pretty overwhelming. [evil grin]
Oooh, and hey, bakers, never underestimate the power of the fugly side:
;)
"FEEL THE POWER."
("Oh. I can feel it.")
Hang on, you're not even listening to me, are you, bakers? You're over there giggling madly while shaking chocolate sprinkles all over your pastry hoo-haws, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?
I knew it.
Well, can you at least stop dismembering baby dolls and jamming their arms and heads inside? Please?
;)
*sigh* Ok. Fine. But THIS MEANS WAR.
One with lots and lots of censor bars.
(In my defense: how would YOU censor that second cake? Just pretend it's a... um... peanut. With a baby head. And lady bits. [If you really want to see the uncensored version, click here.])
(Btw, that's the least graphic example of the hoo-haw trend I could find. And believe me, it IS a trend. I'm being inundated! Eek!)
Thanks to Debbie M., Magdalena E., Lisa, Melissa A., & Kellie W. for not asking why a baby shower needs a hoo-haw smash cake. Because, srsly, NO ONE HERE WANTS TO KNOW.
Reader Comments (95)
I just don't understand the appeal of a cake in the shape of a baby. I cannot see chopping up a baby, even if in the form of a cake!! Are these people insane?
You just don't appreciate the miracle of birth the way Charmaine Lynn does (just as I don't appreciate the name Charmaine Lynn.)
Nothing is more beautiful than watching a new life swim out of a twinkie corpse.
I'm not quite sure what's going on with the Sara Lee poundcake in the pink box, but I'm sure it's beautiful, too.
I think that last cake bothers me more for the fact that she has stumps instead of hands and feet.
So I says to myself, I says, "obviously, self, you are not understanding the whole gestalt of that last cake. Go ahead and look at the uncensored one and you, self, will understand at least what the wreckerator was aiming for."
*click*
*crickets* *blink* *blink*
So, um, the baby being born part I get -- I don't like, I don't get why you'd want it, but I get the idea. What's with the "in case we left too much to the imagination here's a closeup" second cake? What exactly does that add to the whole . . . milieu? Oeuvre? (perhaps that last one is supposed to be spelled o-v-a-r-y? I still don't get it.)
Sung to "She Blinded Me with Science"
I'd like to make a motion
To make some cakes without babies
Might be a silly notion
But they cause such disharmony
She blinded me with cake wrecks
She blinded me -- with cake wrecks
(Those bakers failed biology.)
Why, oh why, did I open the link to that last cake?? Because I never back down from a challenge and "if you really, really want to see the uncensored version" clearly sounded like a challenge to me. Dear lord.
Do babies really come out hands first? Creepy.
I'm surprised you didn't block out the second cake in that last shot entirely... surely that's even more graphic?
First cake: That doll is horribly unappealing, with or without the cake. Yikes.
Third cake: "A maternity shirt over an edible sonogram." Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd read. I hope I never see one of these cakes, unless it does have the alien head underneath. That would be worth it!
Fourth cake: Poor Ali. Not a good way to start your life.
Fifth cake: I did click on the link, and I'm glad I did. It helped to . . . clarify. . . what's going on here.
But really: Why put the vagina face in the box? Why? Whywhywhy?
Maybe they're showing all that's left after giving birth. Because if this baby entered the world in the manner depicted, this poor woman's body parts would be ripped to shreds, and we'd need a massive pool of blood under her, too.
Ugh. This is NOT a good thing to be typing first thing in the morning!
@SuBee
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha "twinkie corpse"
thanks for that.
Ok, I've given birth twice. And am trying for another (20 years later!). When that time comes, I will be letting people know what not to order for my shower. O_o I will send them to CW.
And birthing a baby hands first is just begging for a medmal lawsuit. Just sayin'.
I'm with Catherine. The missing hands and feet are bothersome... "OK, we'll make sure she has nipples on her exposed breasts, and plenty of pubic hair around that baby - oh, and just for fun, we'll make the baby look like it's diving out of her hoo-haw, instead of that boring ol' realistic head-first routine - but nope, we'd better not include the bottom half of her limbs, so no hands or feet. That might be a little too realistic."
I think I prefer the birth cakes where the babies look more realistic. You know, smeared with something instead of all clean. Not with a smiling doll face. That's creepier.
1st cake: "Awww, LOOK, Hannibal! Someone's chewed Mommy's Iddle BabieboobooBabe's iddy-biddy foot off...."
((Sigh!))Where's that rascally puppy gotten to?"
2nd cake: Yes, they're cute. Yes, they're clever. And yes, they even taste good (if you don't mind the burp-effect). But there's a time and a place for radish roses, and a wedding cake is not one of them.
3rd: "Lift my Shirt to See My Womb Mom"? Why the Hell would anyone want to do THAT? Who knows what could jump out of that thing? (I can actually picture one of those creepy, motion-activated Jack-in-the-Box things! ("Heeeere's JOHNNY!"")
4th: That's almost the same design as the Towering Crapferno from yesterday's wrecks! I demand a recount.
5th, and final (there IS a God): THE best birth-control advertisement, EVER.
Either that, or someone cruelly sent in a photo (taken secretly at a medical-bakery facility, necropsy/cakecrapsy department) of a cake that didn't make it. You know, D.O.A. (Dough-On-Arrival).
======
@Naomi: Sometimes things can be over-analyzed to death.Don't lose sleep over a cake, is my advice. Unless it's heartburn; then go for the Tums. =^-.-^=
It is somehow fitting that the ad to the side is for Summer's Eve: "Hail to the V."
I really don't want to know.
I got totally distracted by the board writing on Cake #3. "Lift my shirt to see my womb mate?" And I'm guessing they were going for 'Want this baby shower cake...ask any employee" but instead it looks like someone is requesting the baby shower cake - 'Want this cake, Ash' and indicating that it's multi-purpose 'Baby Shower - any employee'
Ok, Emma, I give up. How is a baby coming out hands-first creepy? I certainly wouldn't want breech, given the complications associated with that position...though if we're just talking cakes here, I think the baby's position doesn't matter. Just have a generic baby cake with a baby carriage or rubber duck, etc., and be done with it. It's safer, or, at least, less likely to be a wreck. My kids will be 10 & 14 soon. For their respective baby showers, I just had an edible image of the shower invite on one & something baby-ish on the other. Nothing fancy & no wrecks! (Whew.)
I have grown possibly too inured to the ugliness of cakes--either that or I haven't had my tea yet this morning--so I only have a couple of questions: Why, in the first cake, is one foot covered with frosting and one foot not? Be CONSISTENTLY ugly if you've chosen that niche; man up!
What was Charmaine Lynn trying to convey in the third cake? The best I got is "Wane THIS baby shower cake ash any employee" which doesn't make a ton of sense. So what was her idea?
And lastly, in the fourth cake, assuming you would let your giant newborn sleep on top of a mountain with trees and stuff, why are there random huge duckies (a good name for a rock band)?
I'm so glad to be past the baby shower stage for now. I know that when I first attend a shower in the grandmother stage if there is a cake like this I will be appalled! What happened to the sweet cakes with pacifiers and bottles on them?!?!
We all know what happens at a birth, we don't need a cake to show us. :P
Well, one could always expand upon the traditional censor bar shape into censor rings, in order to encircle the baby head coming out of the graphic twinkie.
Love the wreckiness of #3 actually ADVERTISING this stellar idea! LOL Best laugh of the day.
Thank you for the nod to The Emperor's New Groove! Love that movie! =+)
Help me out on cake 3 in the upper left corner I am reading "LA my shirt to gas my Womb Mala" what the heck does that mean?
SuBee, I don't think Charmaine Lynn is the real name of the "idea creator" of this cake - would you put your real name on it?
@Naomi:
"gestation"/ "gestalt"....Eh! What's in a name? (A cake by another other name would taste as sweet...")
Anyway, methinks thou doth over-think the thing. (Sometimes, a cake is just a cake.) And the second. "close-up" cake is there because....well, because CAKE.
=^-.-^=
WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THAT THEY PUT BIRTH ON A CAKE?!?!?! ok got that out of me, but seriously wtf?!?! The others are just normal ugly :/
It’s getting really, really graphic,
All these cakes in which we traffic,
But we’re becoming kinda jaded
(or some might even say sedated.)
Censor bars upon a cake?
(We went swimming in the lake.)
Calling a baby #2,
(We just painted the kitchen blue.)
Sonograms show who’s inside,
And we take it all in stride.
Heads and hoo-haw’s shown together,
That is something we can weather.
But a Fountain of Phalluses gives us pause,
Could we give it our applause?
Rising majestically to the sky,
Is that something for our eye?
I think that most can handle it,
(perhaps “handle” is wrong, just a bit)
But you get my point (no…that’s not better),
We wouldn’t wear a scarlet letter,
(A silent nod to Hester Prynne,
I’ve always wanted to work that in),
‘Cause we are made of sterner stuff,
So let the bakers call our bluff,
We’ll tell you when we’ve had enough,
We’ll tell you when it gets too rough.
In the meantime, tip the carafe,
And we’ll share a drink, groan and laugh,
For we come here because it’s funny,
And the future for that looks real sunny.
#1 PC version of the classic story: The dingoes decided to have cake, instead.
#2 Isn't it just possible that this is addressed to the baby? Ok, so that particular event isn't normally unusual enough in a baby's life to warrant a congratulatory cake. But some new parents celebrate everything, suggesting that the name was changed at baby "Maggy's" request.
#3 At least Charmaine Lynn has the courage of her convictions.
#4 Wreckorator: "What can you tell me about Ali* that would make a compelling Cake Story (tm)?"
Customer: "Well, we were on this camping trip,..."
W: [cutting in quickly] "That might be just a tad too much information, if you know what I mean. What about Ali herself?"
C: "As I was saying, we were on this camping trip shortly after Ali was born, and we noticed that she seemed fascinated by some ducks we saw."
W: "Ah. Yeah, we can use that. Sort of a forest theme, then?"
C: "Er, yeah. [decides] Do it. That'll keep 'em guessing for years."
#5 I didn't click the link. Why would I, when...this gives the Unsee Machine such a workout. I wouldn't credit the small auxiliary cake to Sara Lee... The answer to @Caroline's question: hands and feet are hard.
*I keep wanting to stress the second syllable, which only adds to the confusion by creating the mental image of a baby girl working out with a punching bag. In a forest, with ducks as trainers.
why do you have to go showing all the fine china?
Wow. I got curious. Now I can't unsee it!
@SuBee: "twinkie corpse" is a beautiful fitting phrase -- fitting in a symbolic way as Twinkies were formerly made by Hostess, and, of course, the mother is the "hostess" for the baby....as for the pound cake in a pink box, it is, perhaps, a reference to a slightly crude remark, "well, we pounded out a baby last night -- I think it's a girl...."
@Trasawee: I think that sign on cake 3 says "Lift my shirt to see my womb mate"....
Incidentally, I mistakenly read the disclaimer as "Censor BRAS," which is strangely, just as accurate in this case...
@SaraCVT: ["random huge duckies (a good name for a rock band)?"] Hey, you never know. It *could* work... maybe. And as long as they didn't wear goofy, "Big Bird"-types of costumes! There are some pretty unusual names out there.Only one or two of the bands that I've actually heard make me think that their name is supposed to be a sort of distraction so that you won't notice that the actual music sucks. =^-.-^=
For those who think the hands-first birth is unrealistic, let me tell you: my second baby came out exactly like that - hands next to the head. My midwife said that it is common with births that go quite fast as the baby doesn't have time to pull the arms back.
Still, if I ever get a third child, please PLEASE don't remember me of that image weeks before I give birth, and especially not in cake form. I might not be able to eat again until birth is over and pregnant women shouldn't fast.
In that last one Mommy looks as if she's made of Twinkies.
Why? Why on Earth would anybody order a cake set like the last picture?! I mean, it's terrifying enough to look at, but can you imagine anybody actually wanting to eat those? I can't... I mean, what is this I don't even... I think I need to go lay down a while. Pure nightmare and/or vomitorium fuel
@ SaraCVT (" Why... is one foot covered with frosting and one foot not?")
A:It's not "frosting"--it's "booties", and real babies kick their booties off. ALL the time, and I don't blame them. Knitted crap can be itchy and scratchy and hot, and bare feet just feel "Ahhhh"!
2: OR, somebody had already eaten off the foot. Yum.
=^-.-^=
In the last picture I'm more disturbed by the rectangle-vagina-baby-face-close-up cake than the one that's censored. (And yes, I looked at the uncensored version before typing the previous sentence.) I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure babies don't come into the world face first like some kind of weird vagina burster...
After seeing the cakes on here, I'm more glad than ever that my sister got me a shower cake that was just had little pink and blue frosting baby booties on it. It didn't leave me traumatized!
What happened to just having a cake that says "Congrats"? I mean, really. I don't want to see anyone's b-jengo, cake or not. People, STOP IT!!
If one MUST have one of these types of torso/explicit/realistic baby shower cakes, I would prefer it be the Womb-Mate one. At least I could choose NOT to lift the shirt.
After clicking on the link to the uncensored version of the Twinkie Corpse (thanks @SuBee), I realized what a blessing it is that there are no mirrors in the delivery room.
@sendingtheclowns: Oh. Now that you mention it, I guess it IS a bootie. I have twins, and am familiar enough with the concept, as it seemed everybody and their uncle (in one case, literally) were bringing over hand-knitted booties for "the little angels". However, since the little angels were preemies, they were way too small for said booties and never had to endure them. Also, not so angelic; one belched like a sailor and the other one bit. But if anybody brought me booties that looked like THAT, I'd ask them if they were ever a cake decorator.
As far as rock bands go, that was an unconscious tribute to Dave Barry, possibly the funniest man on the planet, who often says that about odd combinations of words. If you've never read any of his writing, do yourself a favor and immediately do so, because you will bust a gut. If you like CW, you'll like Dave.
O_O Note to self: no Cake Wrecks after a large lunch. Blech!
Also, "Emperor's New Groove" reference FTW!! :D
Dang it, I can be such an impulsive little fool... I HAD to go and click on Jen's "here you go" link. And, heck- it's still just CAKE!! With sprinkles! I'm tough--I'm still standing. Bring it! You easy-queasy people: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven! =^-.-^=
What? No one's commented on mel's illustrious poem?! (Totally fab, mel! I was laughing & grinning from ear to ear!) Surely, just *surely*, there's a BOATLOAD of comments ahead of mine, patiently waiting to be processed...yep, gotta be it...
PS Loved your nod to Hester Prynne! :-)
PPS Hi Craig! Excellent list as usual! Hi to Sharyn - love your parody as always! Hi to all! (Yes, sendingtheclowns, especially you - wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't forget lovable you! You had some winners today. My girl could never keep her booties on - it was ridiculous. Daddy was worried she'd get pneumonia, I just got tired of putting on booties & figured Heck with it, I'll get footed PJs - problem solved. :-)
I just have to say that if it wasn't for Cake Wrecks, I would never have known these cakes existed (I live a sheltered life where I make my own cakes and cupcakes) and was happy to have something to send to the person planning my baby shower and say, "NO!" I feel you have served the greater good to women who may have friends, however well-intentioned, that may believe these are good ideas! Thank you Jen and Cake Wrecks!
I foresee the creation of Cake WreXXX.
OMG- the crowning head in the box! 🙈
May I first just say that I really try not to swear at random moments of the day.
That being said, I really should learn not to EVER look at the posts of baby/birth cakes on here. Those make all my intentions go to... Halifax, shall we say.
Merciful heavens...And to think I clicked the link to the last one. I may never sleep again.
Why is the last baby sliding into second base?
Oh my - there are some things in here (well yes of COURSE I clicked through for the uncensored version!) that I will never be able to unsee!