Flotsam R Us
June 6, 2013 It has come to our attention that many bakers struggle with filling orders properly. That's why we here at Flotsam R Us offer a wide variety of attractive, low-cost, non-edible solutions for the professional bakery.
For example, we have a large selection of plastic "Happy Birthday" picks:
;)
OR "Happy Birthday" plaques:
;)
For bakers who prefer an airbrush, we also offer a 'Happy Birthday' stencil!
;)
And just in time for grad season, we've got a brand new "Congrats, Grad" sticker in stock:
;)
For your more artistically challenged bakers, we also offer plastic flotsam in the shape of musical notes...
;)
... and stars!
;)
Of course, training your bakers how to actually USE our products is completely up to you. So, uh...
;)
Good luck with that.
Thanks to Emily H., Molly S., Angie M., Gina R., Amber C., Brittni J., & Uri S. for the flotsam flops.
Reader Comments (66)
About all I can say to this, is "Solong! in purple!
There is just so much that is wrecktacular about "Solong Alicia (in purple) *with stars*" that my brain just exploded!
On the last cake, the "crap like that" is spot on!
Thanks for the clarification. I was trying to figure out what Solong CinPurples was. I thought she had a pretty name-Solong Alicia, what nationality is that? And maybe CinPurples was a last name...but that didn't seem quite right.
I love the "with ballons and crap like that" with no ballons, only strange flowers. And I'm sure Picks (maybe the play the banjo?) loves his/her birthday cake.
Stencil! & Laura! Classic. :P
OH, COME ON!!!!!!!!
"...and crap like that on it" ON the FREAKING CAKE??? WHAT in the BLOODY HELL kind of MORONS are these places HIRING?? GIVE me a MAJOR BREAK!!! I could do better with my eyes blindfolded, my arms in a straightjacket, and by holding a freaking BROOM between my teeth.
Just kill me now.
=^g.g^=
Please tell me that these are decorators who purposely did this just so that they could be featured on Cake Wrecks. No? Oh....
I so want a cake with that last inscription on it! Just hold the croissant and wasabi embellishments though.
I love what looks like a bike out of the icing in the Grad Sticker cake.
Crazy kid names these days. Laura! and Stencil!'s parents must listen to too much Ke$ha and have bough into the "punctuation marks can be used in a proper name" craze.
And for Happy Birthday Plaque -- are we now stooping to naming our offspring over dental hygiene issues? And what the heck - did they tape a piece of Plexiglas onto the top of the cake box and just piped onto that?
wow in caps exclamation mark can people really in italics be that oblivious followed by five question marks
Never gets old, does it?! :-)
I am shocked that I can still be amazed that people cannot simply read what is on the sheet and realize that those are INSTRUCTIONS!! Not script to be scribbled on in icing.
Oh well... Stars salute Solong Alicia (in purple). Not to be confused with the Solong Alicia who is in red. And that last cake probably would have been better with balloons and crap like that rather than the moldy crescent rolls invading the upper east quadrant.
at least they didn't take the crap part literally!
I'll take a birthday cake, but please hold the crap.
Solong, ya'all!
@KarateLady - no, it sure doesn't. And Jen, John, and all the rest of us are thankful.
I think I want to be friends with whoever ordered that last cake.
So ...we all agree that these bakers are all high, like all the time, right? Because seriously, Stencil & Laura?!?! How do you miss that if you're stone cold sober. Solong Alicia in purple??? Still, if you're high all the time, the best place on earth to work has to be a bakery, am I right?! :-)
@KarateLady: not only does it never get old, but, if you're lucky enough to have had your appreciation for humor arrested at the 5th grade level, it never stops being funny, either. (Of course, I am speaking only for myself.....)
The pity with cake #6 is that it's a good piping job. It would have been a great cake if the decorator hadn't simply transcribed the order form.
Stars stars stars stars stars...
<headdesk>
I LOOOVE that Solong Alicia's stars are "stars." OMG, how do you mess that up??? And with so many colors to choose from, the cake wrecker had to stop and switch every time, never once pausing to think perhaps "stars" was not the right way to approach this???
I think I like best that they didn't actually use purple anywhere on the cake. That cake almost makes your brain hurt with all the colors, but no purple. Intentional incompetence, I wonder?
1) If you have Happy Birthday plaque, does it take a special type of dental floss to get rid of it? Or will normal floss work?
2) Poor Solong Alicia. The only purple thing on the cookie is the word.
3) If I got that last cake, I would FORBID anyone from changing the writing before it was seen. It sounds like it was ordered by Jim Gaffigan. (Here's a link if you've never heard of him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-u4IwXkbE&noredirect=1 )
I would, however, scrape off the horrible crescent roll things before cutting and serving. Yikes!
The people making these cakes can't be real. They just can't.
Oh the classic lol's love them :D
Of course the strawberries cake wasn't for someone named after a dental hygiene issue. Didn't you notice the capital Q? PlaQue (pronounced pla-kwee) is a popular name among bakery families. However, if the person who ordered this cake wasn't satisfied, they could just throw the plastic away. Maybe the baker did it like this because customers keep complaining, and he just can't work out why?
at capital b ob colon capital y capital e capital s exclamation point people really can in italics be that oblivious followed by five exclamation points
(Sheesh-that's harder to do than it looks! Now I have a headache)
=^~.~^=
I'd say 75% of this is employees who do not actually *speak* or understand English and just copy what they are given and the rest is pure pig ignorance blended with farm-fresh stupidity.
When i was in government, our office wanted a plaque made up for someone retiring. The plaque company photo-engraved the actual order form on the plaque and returned it to us as a complete order.
Their management could offer no rational explanation for how this happened or even how it was possible for it to happen all the way through to shipping and delivery.
I am desperately hoping that these "decorators" are non-native English speakers, just copying verbatim what they see on the order. This is the only way I can somehow excuse/accept/tolerate/swallow my laughter at these travesties.
"crap like that": PERFECTION.
I love that there is no purple on Alicia's cake, except for the actual word. You'd think if you were going to the trouble of writing the word, you might actually use the color. But then again, I also think it would be easier to put a star on a cake rather than write out the word. After looking at all these, if I get a cake for my birthday without a mistake on it, I will be disappointed!
That last cake is absolutely fabulous. The next time my family has a birthday, I am going to order one just like it.
When I see these wrecks, I think some of them are just SO wrecktactular that they must be inside jokes that only appear to be wrecks to those of us not on the inside.
for once everything is spelled right... too bad...
Nothing makes me laugh like Cake Wrecks. NOTHING. Solongcrap. :-)
@Jim P. :
UNbeLIEVable, huh? But not really...
The "rational explanation for how this happened" is actually SO SIMPLE: Some people are MORONS.
THAT, you can take to the bank.
=^-.-^=
There are some pretty weird names out there and I am sure there is someone in the world who has named a child Stencil and who might possibly have a twin sister named Laura. You just never know.
Today I learned that in Wreckerator World, "crap like that" means poorly rendered squash blossoms.
#1 At last, someone cared enough to honor the invention of the device that made banjo playing so much easier on the fingers.
#2 I'm sure PlaQue (pla-KAY) had a wonderful birthday. After all, there was nowhere to write on the cake. Why am I making excuses for wreckerators?!
#3 Is there a name more obvious than Stencil for the firstborn of identical twins? Now if I could only explain the exclamation marks...
#4 The bakery's new "Cake by Mail" delivery service obviously needs some rethinking, but the main takeaway here is the touching sentiment of the message.
#5 Poor Amber. She'll never catch a break, will she.
#6 Wreckerator: "Is it five points or six? I can never remember, and I certainly don't want to risk winding up on Cake Wrecks."
Manager: "No risk at all."
I bet you can still see this one in the dark. I can still see it when I close my eyes...
#7 Never upset your wreckerator.
Cake #4 appears to be sponsored by General Mills.
I thought "Solong Alicia in purple" sounded sort of like a Beatles song, so, um, here.
(To the tune of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds)
Picture yourself at a bakery counter
With stoned-looking bakers and wondering why
Somebody tells you to order quite slowly
And make sure you dot all your "i"s.
Buttercream flowers of yellow and green.
Can we have some plastic instead?
Look for the bin with the plaques and the picks.
Oh. They're gone.
Solong Alicia in purple
Solong Alicia in purple
Solong Alicia in purple
Aaaahhh...
I'm with Pamtha: In all fairness, do we REALLY know FOR SURE that there IS no actual "Stencil" person (who has really screwed-up parents)??
Let's give these folks the benefit of the doubt! How would YOU like it if it were YOUR name, and everyone was just yucking it up over it?? I mean, hey--if "the -artist-formerly-known-as-Prince" can have a freaking sym&ol for a name...!! (Y'know??)
Sheesh...=^&.$^=
I am chuckling out loud here. Good thing I have a cold and the chuckle is low. Wow. Some of these r down rite laffable*
*all misspellings are on purpose.
Oh dear! I was laughing so hard that my eight year old ran over to see what was so funny. I showed him Alicia's cookie. He didn't get it until I explained it to him. I fear he might become a wreckerator when he grows up. Maybe not, he only missed one spelling word last school year.
I think I'm most impressed with the fact that on the wreckerator for Solong's cake wrote everything not once, but TWICE! And STILL didn't catch it???
***facepalm***
@KarateLady ~ Nope, sure doesn't. ;)
@mel ~ I suspect Mr. Potato has something to say about this. No?
Has anybody heard from Haiku Joy? Is she still stuck on the moon with the babies???
I am thoroughly convinced that bakeries are hiring all non-English speaking/reading peoples. That is the only thing that reasonably explains wrecks like these. I know that there are morons out there but seriously no one so stupid as to write out (in purple) and not have it dawn on them that maybe the color of the frosting was supposed to be purple. C'mon people! What we really need are bakery/English as a second language program combos. Good grief. There is no excuse for these kind of wrecks and crap like that.
@Jim (again) re: your "pure pig ignorance blended with farm-fresh stupidity" --I'll take that and raise you one "Where-would-we-BE-without-these-idiots-to-laugh-our-butts-off-at?" I love this stuff!!!
=^~.~^=
I give the "plaque" wreckorator props for writing all that in icing on a piece of plastic, then laying it over the cake. It's a plaque. Sort of. No, really, it is. Kinda...
I give the "plaque" wreckorator props for writing all that in icing on a piece of plastic, then laying it over the cake. It's a plaque. Sort of. No, really, it is. Kinda...
Stencil & Laura sounds like a bad sitcom about an artist and his muse, who comes to life with the aid of his magic pencil. They have wacky misadventures.
I love how the background color for "in purple" is as far away from purple as you can get on the color wheel ... and that the foreground color is also not purple.
These people should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car. (or "aloud" in their vocabulary)
Thanks for a good laugh. I needed it today.