Monday
Apr152013
The Seven Stages of Wrecks
April 15, 2013 Remember, my friends: recognizing the stages is the first step to healing.
Shock or Disbelief:
;)
"No, seriously. Where's the hidden camera?"
Denial:
;)
"That CAN'T be my cake. I ordered a turtle."
Anger:
;)
"This is what you call cake decorating?!"
;)
"And I'm not paying for that one, either."
Bargaining: ;)
"Twenty four bucks, huh?
"I'll give you five."
Guilt:
;)
"If ONLY I'd just learned to bake, my daughter wouldn't be in therapy for coulrophobia!"
Depression:
;)
"I just... I just wanted a nice cake for the party..."
Acceptance and Hope:
;)
"It's fine. I've just got a dirty mind. Maybe no one else will notice."
Huge thanks to Jane R., Jodi T., Maria E., Edmund, Cheryl, Allegra R., Marissa C., and Alexis V. I couldn't have gotten through this without you guys!
Reader Comments (43)
Oh dear, the mind can't express how I feel properly...
DORA!! You little tramp. Bwahahaha. Tears are rolling down my eyes.
I want to know who actually thinks they can get a group of round, circular, curvey cupcakes to look like a sharp, pointy, straight-edged star. Sure, you can put the round peg in the square hole, but you can't put lots of round pegs in a star-shaped hole and expect stellar results.
Dora, that is not where you should be exploring!
Dear Cake Wrecks:
First of all, an apology, since the subject at hand actually pertains to yesterday’s post, the “Sunday Sweets,” I think you call it. However, since our office was closed, and we were hosting a charity event for sellers of fine clothing, the First Annual 20 Foot Haberdashery Dash (the race ended in a tie) we were unable to respond until today; therefore, I humbly ask your indulgence in allowing this post-post post.
This is for a “Mrs. Stevens,” who, allegedly, on a recent trip with an animal photography tour d/b/a Sunday Sweets Photo Safari, ended up with a small animal inexplicably peering out of her purse. (Now, who hasn’t had that happen to them?) Should there be, by some off-chance, any criminal or civil charges filed against you, Mrs. Stevens, I just want to offer the services of our fine legal firm, Tinker, Toys and Tops. While the picture posted yesterday of said animal and said purse may appear to capture a crime in flagrante delicto, I assure you, it merely shows a small animal in-purse, but does not, and I repeat, does not, show intent! In fact, we will show, if necessary, that participating on a trip with Sunday Sweets Photo Safari and ending up with a small animal in your purse, is, frankly, an ipso facto event.
Let me assure you, Mrs. Stevens, we have been successful with many cases involving animals, and our rates are very favorable in these issues. Please bear with me as I offer a few examples. We were victorious in a case involving a smuggler who had a barrel full of monkeys, and we worked for peanuts. We triumphantly took on a case involving puppy mills and worked pro bone-o. And, we were amicus curiae in a matter involving an elephant – I’ll never forget that one.
If you need us, Mrs. Stevens, we will not weasel out of any responsibility and will ferret out every line of defense! Our briefs are loaded!
Furthermore, we will offer our lowest rates, as we do not want you to end up in the Poe house as together we take on the matter of what Sunday Sweets Photo Safari calls The Purloined Lemur.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you feel we may be of service.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
cake 2: that's a turtle...? whatta croc.........
last cake...probably made by the head baker...
@Sharyn: nice work! Somewhere Ms. Kubler-Ross is chuckling....
Dora, Dora, Dora you're a whore-ah...
I honestly imagined the purchaser of the "Guilt" cake saying, "Please make the most horrifying, nightmare-inducing clowns you can imagine." Nailed it!
Um, I think Dora and Diego are cousins. That is just wrong.
Brilliant theme, Sharyn! Now I can use this post as a therapy aid (and legitimately count the time I spend reading it as time on the job.
The lips on the depression cake look like they're going to get up and walk away.
Oh, that was supposed to be a star cake? I was thinking it was a deformed state of Texas or something. But now that you mention the star I understand what the cake was about.
And poor Dora...poor, poor Dora. So misunderstood.
The clowns-well, interesting. At least they had unique colors at the bottom and the green sort of has a batik look to it...I
Not just cousins, but children.
I, too, have a dirty mind. Sorry.
I actually could have lived with the 25th anniversary cake if it had been made by a friend or family member as a gift or something, but to pay many hundreds of dollars for it was just wrong.
Dora and Diego are indeed cousins. Yuck.
OMG, we have those exact Dora and Diego figures and probably a dozen videos. I'll never look at them the same way again.
I am so showing my husband when he gets home!
That's no Turtle.
Multiple Choice Time! Its a:
A) Twinkie attempting to disguise as a TMNT
B) the rare Amazonian Tree Barrel Frog
C) mis-interpretation of the old childrens song "a frog on a bump on a log"
@mel - YOU WIN. For yesterday's post, anyway... :-)
@Sharyn - brilliant as usual! :-) But you did cause me to have flashbacks to when our (hubby & me) minivan was stolen the day before our wedding. There was SHOCK (where's the car?!), then there was DENIAL (a round of phone calls to known practical jokers... "Who took the car, guys?!" "Uhhh...not me...") Then ANGER.. "This can't be happening!! MY WEDDING IS TOMORROW!!" Next, GUILT "I shouldn't have parked there. We should have bought a car alarm." Then the police called, notifying us that they had found what was *left* of our car... (DEPRESSION & Forced *ACCEPTANCE*)
And finally, I found out just how much my then-future husband loved me:
"Honey, if you love me, if you really, *really* love me, you'll go down to the police station and deal with this because I am still stressed out from the bridesmaids' dresses missing-in-action all this week." HE DID ! :-)
He did, and I was *very* GRATEFUL. I didn't even nail him for getting our anniversary date wrong several months later. I just noted that March 20th was the day the minivan was stolen, hence the severe emotional trauma that caused him to mix it up with our wedding day, which was March 21st. He never forgot it again, either. :-)
Oh, and the insurance fixed the minivan, but they were such a pain-in-the-you-know-what that I went around telling everyone that if their car was stolen, it would be better to have it torched if it was not in the same condition as before the theft. (Dealing with the insurance company was THAT BAD. Guess we should have hired Mr. Potato, Head Counsel, Tinker, Toys and Tops.)
I'm not the only one who sees a bird instead of the lips on the face cake, right?!
...and this just in from the Nickelodeon network...after passing her oral exam, Dora has been promoted to Head Explorer....
@mel: Brilliant! I always love hearing from Mr. Potato, Head Counsel.
@Haiku Joy: Indeed!
Also (off topic), how are the Asian babies coming along? I've never made Asian baby skin, but perhaps comparing your baby's skin to some of the images on these "swatches" might help: http://www.coolminiornot.com/articles/1310-ethnic-skintones
cake 2 - when twinkies go bad!
Just Andrea and other interested parties - just popped out 6 more babies this weekend. I think I have a sufficiently varied assortment of babies to satisfy me. Now I need a week of dry weather, a candy dish, and a camera.
Who didn't get it? The second, yellow cake is CLEARLY the Yellow Rose of Texas. Pressed flower version.
@Angela, yes I see bird lips too. Crying eyes made her lips grow legs & a beak. LOL
The second one is an acorn on Viagra, right?
Dora's cake was probably made at a certain warehouse club who's first initial is B and second initial is J.
Haiku Joy, your posts are such a treat. I can't imagine what newbies are thinking with you popping out 6 babies at a time.
#1 Should have looked at examples and/or interviewed other customers / you can't expect fondant results from buttercream / you get what you pay for. Oh, wait -- this is an anniversary cake. In that case, the customer really should have...
#2 If we just had the backstory on this one, we'd be all, "Oh now I see it!" Or not.
#3 Setting aside the irony that symmetry might have been achieved with a little more effort and oh, I don't know, maybe looking at the examples on the CCC, the alternate explanation is that this is a (thankfully) rare giant flotsam-eating amoeba.
#4 Wreckorator (phone): "And what would you like the message to say?" Customer (aside, probably to another person in room, though it's best not to assume): "I'm not paying for all of this." Customer's cell phone: [space alien noises, followed by silence] Customer: "Hello? Hello? Confabulated fracking phone!"
#5 Wreckorator (at counter, this time): "We get these cartoon requests all the time, but corporate won't pay the license fees. Besides, whaddaya want for 24 clams?" P/A: "Clean-up on aisle twelve!"
#6 [singing] "Be a clown, be a clown, get put away, be a clown..."
#7 Boss: "Are we a tad upset about something?" Wreckorator: "How could you tell?" Boss: "It was an inspired guess."
#8 Speaking of clean-up on aisle 12...
I'm a decorator at my local Walmart and believe it or not these cakes mortify me. I'd never let any of those cakes see the light of the case. Every store I go in with a bakery, I check their case. The cakes that are allowed to put out just disturbs me.
That being said, we had those Dora and Diego toys. But they're unstable and always fell over, too top heavy. It never helped when kids would come by and smack the top of the container.
But I have no excuses for the other cakes. Clearly some people just don't care. I love this site and check it regularly, just don't let it believe all walmarts are like.... Considering half the cakes are from there!
@KarateLady:
Just a quick note to thank you for thinking of us and to say how sorry we are to hear about your unfortunate incident involving your van. For your information, we here at Tinker, Toys and Tops do indeed handle matters involving motor vehicles. We didn’t originally, but one day decided we auto do it. Initially, we were going to limit our practice to sedans, but one partner said, “Wait a mini…let’s add vans,” so we did.
We pride ourselves on prompt service to those in need – no wedding around for days and days. And, as an additional convenience, should your vehicle need repairs, we have a contractual relationship with a repair shop whose mechanical artistry will quickly make your van go….
Our Vehicle Litigation Specialist, Jack, will raise your spirits, and our entire automotive division will work tirelessly for you.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Tinker, Toys and Tops
Second cake is the unholy lovechild of Larry the cucumber and Mr. Peanut.
@Sharyn, you rock!!!
@mel ~ I'm so glad Mr. Potato, Head Counsel has such a helpful staff to share these amazing letters with us. :-) I should talk to my boss, maybe we could convince the illustrious counselor to join our firm?
As for Dora... I have nothing to say other then that I'm so glad MiniMe is just old enough to have avoided that mess.
They'll notice. Even if they don't say anything, they'll notice.
"Can you say 'kissing cousins'? I knew you could!"
Wonder where the monkey is....
@Shannon - as a Texan, I must say, "Lord! I hope not! The yellow rose of Texas deserves better!"
And whose idea was it to squeeze a bunch of toothpaste all over the top of the tiers of that first cake?! Are we perhaps implying that because it's a 25th anniversary, the happy couple have no teeth & the cake is mocking them? Or could we be implying that they are both tapeworm carriers and have been for many years? Could we be celebrating the 25th anniversary of their mutual infection during their exotic honeymoon getaway to a remote part of Bora Bora 25 years ago?! Inquiring minds want to know...
You know, I don't really care for clowns in general, but I am kinda diggin' those menacing, two-dimensional clowns. The rest of the cake is horrid, but the clowns, I like them!
Yay! The babies are almost ready!
@KarateLady: Awww! Great husband, terrible pre-wedding surprise!
My son starts college in the fall. Can I have cake no. 4, please?
Those clowns are highly disturbing. And grumpy.
@mel: could you please explain, exactly, what is involved in an "ipso facto event"? Could it be illustrated through the medium of cake that's successfully and appropriately decorated?
Pennywise is looking real cuddly to me suddenly.
(horrified shudder)
oh, mel! the puns just never quit being funny, do they? :) (Poe house? LMAO)
@ Little Boy Blue that was certainly off color ;)
@Haiku Joy POP POP POP POP POP POP
Bwahahahahahahaha I cannot unsee that last cake now lol. My mind has left the building at the moment. And Mel I love Mr. Potato Head council. Maybe he can sue and find my brain while he's at it lol. As for that clown cake..no evil clowns will be in my mind tonight. I won't allow them.. don't mind me as I hide under my bed again.
Order a turtle,
receive a happy pickle
in Grampy's golf pants.
@ TLC
Are you talking about #6?
Grumpy? That one in the middle looks like he's REALLY, REALLY happy to see someone. And, he's "hung" like a banana slug.
@Just Andrea -- thanks, and Mr. Potato, Head Counsel, loves it when he pleases people...
@Jodee -- thanks, and I'll talk to Mr. Potato, Head Counsel...he just may be willing to pack his briefs and go...
@TLC -- I asked for an explanation, and what he said was, in essence, incoherent....it probably could be illustrated as you desribed, but I would imagine, due to its complex, multi-layer nature, it would not work well with a sheet cake...
@Barbara Anne -- how are you!! yes, puns never quit being funny...or else I stopped maturing at about the 5th or sixth grade level...
@Arlene -- thanks...Mr. Potato, Head Counsel, is a fun thing to write, and has become something of a "periodic regular" for me...and I'll pass along your request....
I like the wheeled trash can in the first pic. The cake is probably exactly what they asked for...