Whistle While You Hurk
March 12, 2013 Sometimes cake shopping is like being stuck in a Fractured Fairy Tale.
Like Snow White, you set out hoping for something "charming," but in the light of day you find yourself stuck with the second string dwarves.
There's Creepy:
;)
"I dare you to cut me."
Queasy:
;)
"I can't believe I ate ITS WHOLE WING."
Crazy:
;)
"WOOLOOLOOOLALALAAAAAAAA!!"
Drippy:
;)
(Queasy's second cousin)
Hairy:
;)
She's planning on using your birthday candles for a waxing later.
Horny:
;)
"Because I have horns, you see. And I'm really Randy.
"(It's short for Randolph. Horny is my ... [sunglasses] ... MIDDLE NAME.)"
And of course, that old favorite:
.doc
Thanks to Stacey, Kimberly C., Carly G., Rachel K., Anony M., Bob B., & Jessica C., who know a picture is worth a thousand words - or in this case, one printable image file.
Reader Comments (66)
O_o dafuq I can no longer comprehend people
You have to admit that first one is skillfully done. Unless that's a real head.
OH MY GOD IS THAT A REAL HEAD!!??
OMG that first one will give me nightmares... WHAT is that?!?!?! Terrifying.
It is way to early for me to be trying to understand these. I haven't even had coffee o.O I don't think I've ever been here so early that there aren't even moderated comments yet!!!
When I was in high school a friend and I decided to create "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plus 47 more. What happened after she ran off with Prince Charming?" You're pretty spot on for a couple of them!
My question here is why is Horny stuck in a soccer ball? I need to know this. It may ruin my whole day. Please...someone explain this to me!
...what even is Horny--err, excuse me, Randy--even bursting out of? Is that some kind of forest-themed soccer ball wannabe? I don't even know. His expression certainly embodies his middle well, though.
Why has Hairy got a pig's nose? What is s/he???!
What's REALLY creepy in the first photo is the head lurking behind the head.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I think Randy is coming out of a camouflage hunting platform that hunters use when in the woods. Although camo soccer ball is funnier...
That first cake is skillfully done but I do have to wonder about the story behind it O.o. Had "Goons and Greasepaint" from Midnight Syndicate going through my head when I saw it.
Pity poor Snow White
After meeting these seven
Fled back to the queen
I think the "Randy" cake is supposed to be camo of some sort. Camo soccer ball? Adds a new level of difficulty to the game...
What's going to ruin my day is on the ".doc" cake, did someone EAT the two roses that obviously used to be in the upper right corner, or did they just sloppily MOVE them to the lower right corner? And why? Why? WHY??? This is really going to bug me...
I think Hairy is supposed to be Bacchus.
I didn't realize Chicago's football team had changed its name to the Queasy Werewolves. Trying to market to both sides of the Twilight demographic?
I just don't understand that first cake. What is it?! (Really, I need to know--someone just please reassure me that there was never any intention that it represent a baby.) I'm just glad I didn't see it right before going to sleep. And why, why on this good earth is "Hairy" actually hairy. Why???
Was that a Bullwinkle reference you started with?
I audibly gasped in my cubicle when I scrolled down and saw the first cake.
The camoflage soccer ball is a riot. I would love to know the reasoning/creative process behind taking one of the segments out and making it into a cup/plate/tray.
But that first cake: Don't cut it. HACK IT, into little pieces. With a giant butcher knife. Or a meat cleaver. Quickly. Now! Before it takes over the city and multiplies. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. . . . . .
Are we suuuure that Creepy isn't an actual person poking up from under the table? Or is this just Sam Raimi's birthday cake?
p.s. ".doc" made me laugh so very, very hard! Thanks!
I think the last picture must be for a newly minted law enforcement officer of some sort....their first assignment: locate the thief who made off with the roses on the cake! (Right after that, they can find the body to the severed head in the first wreck.)
Thanks for the the reference to fractured fairy tales. I loved Sherman and Mr. Peabody. I would still watch them if they were on TV now. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what Drippy is supposed to be. A wierd yellow dinosaur sinking into the ocean? Also, Randy looks like a dog with deer horns to me. (a slightly crazy dog, that is.)
OMG! .doc. Best pun EVER!
Zombie baby head on cake
I am terrified
Can someone please explain this?
That last one--I'm guessing the intent was just to put the image of the scales of justice on the cake, and not the entire file? That is one SPECTACULAR fail.
Well, all I can say is "Congratulations Robert!"
Would I be wrong in assuming that, for that last one, someone printed this page and took it to the bakery, expecting them to know that only the picture was desired from it? It seems reasonably faithfully reproduced, but I have to wonder...
I do believe Drippy is supposed to be a sun, or rather, half a sun.
But creepy eludes me. What?!? Such skill, put to such awful use.
execute with so much skill
lovely blue pillow
please someone save me from this.
Not up to Haiku Joy's level, but my first haiku since grade school.
Lol @ SuBee. I did an actual spit take when I read your comment. I think Creepy looks a little too real for my taste...
I think Hairy is supposed to be a guy, and Dionysus,God of the grape harvest, winemaking and wine, of ritual madness and ecstasy in Greek mythology.
http://tinyurl.com/atrchjl
I am agog at the artistry of the first cake. Such craft and beautiful execution. Was the head a result of an execution, dare I ask?
Hairy is, I believe, supposed to represent Bacchus. Perhaps after the bacchanalian revels are finished. Oy.
I'm almost impressed that the pig-nosed Hairy person is actually a dreaded C.C.C. (ptooie!). That's quite ambitious to put all of that not on a solid cake but on a mess of cupcakes...a collection of cupcakes...a gaggle of cupcakes...oh what is the term for a group of cupcakes??
Ok, I guess I'm going to be *that* person and point out (ha - did you see what I did there?) that those are antlers, not horns. They're deciduous since it's a deer, which makes them antlers, not horns. I feel so awkward. I know, I know, the joke wouldn't work, but ... urk.
I'm thinking Hairy was supposed to be a toga guy for an Ides of March party. Eh? Eehh?
Looking at the price display next to Drippy there, if there's anything in front of that .99, it's asking too much.
My favorite has to be Crazy (I can hear his quote in my head...wait, maybe those are just *my* voices) with Randolph a close second. "Favorite" meaning they make me giggle uncontrollably rather than recoil in distaste or shake my head in disgust (I'm looking at you, doc.)
But how did Horny, er, Randy even fit INSIDE that cammo soccer ball with those antlers? Other than that, this entire post makes perfect sense.
Creepy laid the eggs. Drippy helped with... the rest. Queasy and Crazy were too, well, ... you know, for that. Hairy rolled one to a suitable grassy mound for incubation with his/her pig snout. And in his enthusiasm for finally hatching out of his camouflage egg, Horny licked off Doc's roses I'm afraid.
I forgot to mention that reindogs always hatch out of camouflage eggs.
Drippy was supposed to be a happy sun peaking over the clouds... but she bought cheap lip-liner that melted.
Hairy looks like the "cake artist" is only good at doing "girly" faces, had to do a "male" cake, failed (among other things) by using red for the lips, and decided that putting hair on the chest would fix it somehow. IT DIDN'T!
@TwinMom - a group of cupcakes is called a clowder of cupcakes, I believe :)
How appropriate is it that Creepy's right eyebrow is, um, a 'tadpole'?
I think the first cake is more from Alice in Wonderland......so OFF WITH HER HEAD!!! No really, the head has to go.
On the "Randy" cake, you forgot the scream. It should have gone thusly:
"(It's short for Randolph. Horny is my ... [sunglasses] ... MIDDLE NAME.)".... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
@TwinMom ~ I think the word you're looking for is WRONG! Oh so very wrong...
@SuBee ~ Please make the lambs stop screaming o.O
So... did anyone else notice that the .doc cake actually spelled congratulations correctly? A relatively large accomplishment for such a wreckorator! Also, the letters are neatly spaced and sized, and do not overlap the edge of the cake. And maybe, just maybe! Robert is the author of this fine Wikipedia entry. It could be his crowning glory!
Personally I kind of dig the Crazy cake. It reminds me of Domo.
#1: The forefather of the angry comedian - The Angry Jester.
#4: Somehow, that reminds me of Cheese from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. It's not the right color, the 'hair' is all wrong...I think it's the drool dripping from the mouth.
#5: I think someone tried playing connect the dots in Bacchus' chest hair...or maybe it's a secret message. With my secret decoder spectacles, it spells out, "Where are my legs?!"
#6: That cake is magical. Every time I look at it, it makes me do the confused dog head tilt.
#1 Gaaah! The Edward Gorey of wreckorators brings you 'Goth Baby'. If only this person's mad skillz could have been used for niceness, instead of evil.
#2 No. The 'X' in the upper right hand corner should have been drawn across the entire cover.
#3 First impression: Taz! Second impression: A Cakeolier, in mid-attack. Unfortunately, neither impression explains the helmets, unless the Cakeolier is devouring a football-themed wreck.
#5 'She'? Really? Though I must admit 'he' doesn't exactly leap to mind. This may be the first time I have ever said or even thought, "Please, let that be fondant."
#6 Here at World O' Sports, we cover all the sports, from deer hunting to soccer. Granted, that leaves out quite a few -- what's your explanation, hmmm? What would a deer be doing coming out of a hunting platform?
@Jodee in WA, 47 more what: dwarfs? Why 47? Was this one of those "all-nighter" things that seemed to make perfect sense at the time, only to defy all attempts at explanation thereafter?
#7 "Ok, this thumb drive has only one file on it. Open that file and print it with your cake printer. Do not replicate the thumb drive in frosting." [On way home from bakery, thinks, "Did I grab the image file, or the file that describes the image. Oh well, I'm sure they can figure it out. Who would put a doc file on a cake?"]
@TwinMom, the collective term for cupcakes with a common frosting layer is 'wreck'. As in, "a wreck of cupcakes."
My daughter (7) has requested 'creepy' for her birthday, thanks...
OK, when I first saw the last cake, I thought it was a divorce letter or another legal document, not just another attack of cheating literalitis.
Agreed, "Hairy" is obviously Bacchus / Dionysos. In other words, definitely a he, not a she (although, unlike here, he was sometimes pictured with feminine features, such as breasts).
I think Hairy is supposed to be Nero, but where's his violin?!
I think that first one is Marie Antoinette's head. The curls, the pearls, the heavy death-like make-up. Plus she seems to be all the rage lately in some circles.
I agree; cake #1 seems to be very reminiscent of the Queen from Alice in Wonderland (the book). It also makes me think of the heads from "Return to Oz." Shudder...
I also agree that Hairy is probably Dionysius/Bacchus(pick your culture). He was actually sometimes described as "womanish" or having androgynous features. A wreckerator with a degree in mythology-- who knew? ;)
In honor of Jen and this site, I think a group of cupcakes should be called a "ptooie." (Although Audrey's submission of "clowder" is pretty cool, too.)
I'm glad previous commenters have cleared up who "Hairy"/Bacchus/Dionysus is, because I was among those who saw the cake and thought, "SHE???"
So we have a Wrecked Bacchus instead of a Wrecked Greco-Roman "woman." Yay...?