Oscar Aftermath
February 25, 2013 So, how 'bout those Oscars last night, huh? Hoo-WHEE. Good times. Like, that dress? And that thing what's-his-face said? And, oh - that montage?! WOW.
;)
This Oscar cookie is very excited. Or...not.
Ok, fine, I didn't actually watch the Oscars last night. Except the bit with Captain Kirk and the soft-shoe number, since I figured it could only all go downhill from there. However, for your edu-tainment [wink] I've decided to present my own personal homage to all of the Best Picture nominees. Right after I google them to find out what they are.
[googling]
Wow, I haven't seen ANY of these. Still, they're Oscar nominees, so you know that means they're the very best soul-crushingly depressing pieces of cinema to make you want to sit in ashes and sack cloth while weeping over the injustice and frailty of the human condition.
[poker face]
...so let's get right to it!!
Lincoln
Look, I don't want to spoil the ending or anything, so here: Lincoln's hat.
;)
Zero Dark Thirty
I'm sure you've heard the same things I have about this movie, which is to say it has torture in it.
In other news: this cake is supposed to say "You're Awesome."
;)
You may now make your own inappropriate jokes.
(This way *I* don't get the e-mails. WIN-WIN.)
Amour
With a name like "Love" I actually had a wild moment of hope thinking this movie wouldn't elicit much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but then I read the synopsis. Yeeeeah. When will you learn, Jen?
Anyway, I don't have a cake celebrating old age and debilitating disease, but I *do* have something nearly as romantic:
;)
"Unnng, girl, I just spent $6.99 on this with my price saver card. Yeah. What was your name again?"
Argo
;)
It's an alien skull and crossbones. Because sci-fi. And pirates. You know, ARRRRRRgo?
WORK WITH ME HERE, PEOPLE.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
;)
'Nuff said.
Django Unchained
This is a Quentin Tarantino film, so of course it's extremely violent and wholly inappropriate for children.
;)
Yeah, like that.
Les Misérables
Oooh, finally, a story I know! I saw Les Mis performed live once in the theater (pronounced "thay-uh-tah" for maximum snobbery), and then spent the next six weeks trying to beat "Master of the House" out of my brain. That song should be weaponized, you guys. Seriously. You could get entire battlefields to surrender, all of them cry-singing, "Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye, AAAUUGGHH MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKEITSTOP."
Anyway, this next cake is supposed to be a fireman, but he looks a lot more like the bad guy in Les Mis to me:
;)
"We'll be ready for these schoolboys, they will wet themselves WITH BLOOD. Which I will catch in my handy-dandy little yellow cup here!
"So...ice cream?"
Life of Pi
Once again I had a vain hope of some light-hearted comedy, but no. Shipwreck, dead family, stranded on a life boat with a wild tiger...you know, the usual.
;)
I like how the wreckerator saved me the trouble with that label there.
BONUS PI PIE:
;)
No, it's not really a wreck - it's actually quite brilliant.
Silver Linings Playbook
Ok, I just read the synopsis on this one, and other than the broken marriage, almost beating a guy to death, mental illnesses, and gambling addictions, it seems like a fun romp!
Plus there's dancing!
;)
To be fair, Wikipedia didn't say what kind of dancing.
Well, congrats again to the nominees, since I'm sure they all managed to be far more depressing than these wrecks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to click through all the "best-dressed" slideshows and find out if the folks on Twitter ever found out what WAS up with Kristen Stewart's hair.
I'd like to thank the Academy, my hubby John, and of course Amy K., Ashley L., Sarah B., Suzanne A., Robin H., Danielle G., Kelsey E., Sam H., Taylor G., Rachel W., & Anony M. You like me! You REALLY like me!
Reader Comments (64)
The pi(e) really is a wreck, as the first 5 in 3.14159265358979323846264 is reversed.
Wow, Les Mis, huh?
I've... never seen a cake with phimosis before.
Just say "no" to hairbrushes?
Sung to "Goldfinger"
(Go ahead, sing along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MagCoUYvIXE)
Gold Figure, he's the man
The man who's been Midas touched
He shows too much
Then a hat zinger
Reckon you should go watch that show again
About Lincoln
Fulsome words like "Your Alsome" you'll hear
While your Baby Mama cries a tear
For an alien pirate was just here
Then a plastic death with Mister...... Gold Figure
Really, girls, when Django is on the road
Chaos unfolds
Countless earworms are all that you'll hear
When that guy from Les Mis draws you near
For the bakery says it's a tiger
Think I'll have Pi Pie with Mister..... Gold Figure
Silly girl, encircles her pole of gold
That pole is cold.
A "tiger' we're told
Pi pie's bold
She loves poles
She loves dancing poles
And he's gold
He is gold.
Master of the Wrecks, writin’ ‘bout the cakes
Even when they really stink, for goodness sakes.
Tells a little joke, gives a little wink
Lincoln’s bongo’s alsome, it’s no hat, I think.
Readers here appreciate the sentiment
That’s writ for some baby’s mama
Doesn’t hurt to show bad taste.
But nothing say’s Argggg better,
Than some scribble done in haste.
Master of the Wrecks, Jen, we say , “God bless.”
You always find the humor in a bloody mess.
Every little girl loves to hug her gun
If you see Mercedes, I suggest you run.
Everybody loves a tiger
That ends a pole dance.
That skinny little dancer
Doesn’t stand a chance.
Master of the Wrecks, have a little pie.
You deserve it ‘cause you always make me cry.
And choke, guffaw and laugh
You should also give some to your alsome staff.
When I see a cake that makes me scream out, “ BLECH!’
I’m grateful I’m familiar with the Master of the Wreck.
I can't stop looking at the Baby Mama cake. The writing is so beautiful! And the message is so horrible! I love it!
The majority of these cakes(and happy Oscar cookie) made me laugh at a volume unheard since Colin the Dancing Cheeto.
Thank you for that!
'It's a tiger"
No.It.Is.Not.
That Argo cake looks like an alien with a tire iron.
I am thoroughly impressed with the handwriting on the Baby Mama cake. It's so shiny and perfect, I thought it was plastic at first glance.
Not gonna say what I thought the "Tiger" looked like.
But first time commenting because I couldn't....just....what ARE Those things around the pole dancers!?!?! Jen didn't seem to notice them (distracted by the assets?) and, well I guess it's too early in the morning for too many comments from peeps.
I'm thinking Hummus or...what I thought the tiger kinda looks like...
I guess I need to see a therapist. Pretty sure when all the ink blotches represent the same thing it means you're in big trouble...
Love the Pi. We gave this Pi plate to a friend who was working towards his math PhD. (I'm not sure the link is working, but you can see it at whatonearthcatalog.com. It's awesome.
Thanks alot!
Now I have Master of the House going through my head.
Make it stop!!
From Leslie Fish's "Banned From Argo":
A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play,
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.
Chorus:
And we're banned from Argo, everyone.
Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun.
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,
But Argo doesn't want us any more.
There's an old joke that goes well with "It's a tiger!" Calvin and Hobbes would appreciate it.
What word did the wreckor try to write on the "Beasts of the Southern Wild" cake? I cant make it out from here. Thanks.
Just let loose with my best Shirley Bassey, singing along with Sharyn's parody. After last night's telecast (which was pretty damn bad -- except for Dame Shirley's singing and Daniel Day Lewis' speech), I finally feel cleansed. Thank-you, Sharyn.
There were far too few cows on the "Beasts of the Southern Wild" cake. Subsequently, there was also far too little cow bell.
MORE COW BELL!!!!
(If you're curious as to about what I'm blithering, Aurochs [the aforementioned "Beasts"] were large wild cows which lived in Europe up through the end of the most recent Ice Age. Contrary to the movie, they DID NOT look like giant, ugly, hairy pigs, OR Michael Moore. Trust me on this...).
I didn't know that alien face huggers now came in tiger stripes!
hee hee opening sentences are my exact reactions in Oscars conversations. :D haha
The fireman looks like an old style British fireman about to eat what looks like a Pork Pie ( an English delicacy, made with a raised hot water pastry crust especially in and around Melton Mowbray)
its not a very appetizing pork pie mind, a bit too yellow, but this definitely looks like a UK cake.
Ironically, my daughter's name is Mercedes and she's turning 6 next month. I still have no idea what cake to make her, but at least I know which one to NOT make her. :)
"Buzz, if I took his sword, he'd be naked." -- Sheriff Woody at the 1996 Oscars, referring to the statuette
I second what Trista said! Now I'll have Master of the House going through my head all day. Damn You Cake Wrecks!
I think the PI pie is almost correct. They put the first 5 on backwards. Otherwise, pretty cool!
Don't you realize that a whole pie is always 2 pi?
And pi R Square!
Oh, pity the poor Octigerpus! He has lost half his legs and has a venomous nudibranch stuck to his face!
My almost-2-year-old saw the "tiger" cake and said, "roar - tiger!" I have no idea how she knew what it was, other than my assumption that it was probably made by someone her age.....
Ahh... the infamous Pi pie. Vi Hart had a great deal to say about the inaccuracies of Pi pies. Well, Pi in general, actually... Support Tau!
Youtube of Vi Hart on Pi and Tau
@Bea, I have decoded the writing on the 'Beasts' cake: "Clark". It seems Clark has issues. At least, he does now.
'Django Unchained': The 'Smiths' bought their Mercedes six years ago, figuring it was the ideal getaway vehicle. The 'Smiths' have a bit more to learn about being low-profile, such as not getting your car a cake with an arsenal on it. The gun with the reversed trigger in the upper left reminds me of that joke: "What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?"
'Les Mis': I guess leprechauns need fires put out, too, though I'm not sure what that has to do with either Angry Birds or the guy Arnold is alternately trying to kill and save in the mis-named 'Terminator' series. I do know that all this talk of weaponized songs has Theardare searching for a recording of 'Master of the House'. Just in case.
'Life of Pi': At first, the manager was happy that someone had figured out a new way to get people lining up at the bakery counter. It was certainly an improvement over the time the cash register malfunctioned and gave people an automatic 95% discount. But the manager quickly realized in this case that all of the people in line were there to ask, "What is that supposed to be." The ones who weren't too busy laughing to talk, that is.
Bonus: The first 5 is reversed. Just thought I'd point that out, as a service to anyone who doesn't read the comments. Non sequitur alert in 3...2...1...
'Silver': Where to even start with this. First, it's a decorated cheesecake. That's an automatic 50,000 point deduction right there, I'm afraid. The only thing cheesecake needs is to be eaten. Now. What are those things supposed to be, and why are they garnished with parsley and coffee beans? Finally, how could someone be proud enough of this to stick a logo on it. It could be the logo of a competitor, I suppose, but how many people would fall for that.
Two people have noticed the 5 is on backwards in the pi pie... but digit number 17 is a 2 that is on backwards (looks like a 5). 2 wrong out of 24? That's at least a little wrecky.
Don't mess with piphilologists! :)
Fireman appears to be S4C Wales animated character Fireman Sam (the "hero next door")
...after a bad accident
maybe it's just because english is my second language and i'm not aware about common use or underlying meaning, but the scene playing in my head when seeing the "to my baby's mama" cake was more of the sort "happy hubby/boyfriend has just learned that he is going to be a dad and buys his lady the cake to emphasize just HOW happy and proud he is of her for being the mom of his baby" which, together with the perfect execusion, makes this an instant non-wreck.
so, if i have missed something due to language barriers, please enlighten me!
Hummus covered madelaines with parsley garnish...
Jeran is dead-on! That lettering is terrific!
I still can't stop laughing about the "It's a Tiger!" label and your corresponding comment! lmao!
I swear you put in the pronunciation of "theater" to ensure that your readers would say it, at least once or twice. At least I hope it's not just me ...
You had Oscar after math? Huh... I always had English.
Ooooo! baby's mama cake is beautiful! I stared at the writing for quite awhile, I do think if I came across that cake in a store I would buy it!
Is it just me or is that a capsule in the last cake??
OMG bwahaha XD XD sharyn and suebee :D :D :D
@ the former CB, I saw the sign that said, "It's a tiger!" and had the same reaction you did.
No, it's not! It has 4 tails! And some of its stripes fell off! (Those ARE stripes, right?) And its teeth are on SIDEWAYS!
Ahem. Sorry, tigers are my horoscope sign and I might be a little emotional on the subject.
LcP, "Baby Mama" is the term for a woman that you slept with, have a child with, but never intended to stay with.
The Lincoln hat looks like a dark vortex time machine waiting to suck in an unsuspecting patriot.
I am assuming from the price tag and packaging that the Baby Mama cake is something pre-made and kept on hand at this Kroger store. Is there really that much of a demand for Baby Mama cakes? If so, God help us all.
It's a Tiger! If I had seen this in the store, I would have taken out my pen and written "No it's not!" on the tag.
And that pole dancer. Poor thing! I thought strip clubs were bad enough. She's dancing on a blood-swirled floor surrounded by giant shells of human paste, decorated with parsely and coffee beans (?). WTF???
LCP: It's more the $6 cheapness combined with the fact that the person who took the picture was probably not getting the cake themselves, but saw it in the store.
So either some one called ahead and said "I need a cheap cake with these words" OR the baker decided to hope a cake wreck fan would walk buy and think that was the perfect cake for afternoon tea...
Also "baby mama" is sort of a slang, which depending on how you use it could be cute or derogatory, as in used towards the ex-girlfriend/wife. Like, "yea my baby's mama is crazy!" In this sentance he's reduced the woman to less than a woman, basically. Or you could use it nicely and cute like, "Hey there baby-mama! Look at you with your glow, gorgeous!"
Hope that helped!?
A baby mama is a slang term for an unmarried woman who usually has multiple kids from multiple fathers, and may or may not be sure who exactly is the father of each particular offspring.
Frequently seen on Maury during paternity test shows.
@LcP, please review Jen's sidebar regarding "what is a wreck" with all speed, unless you really like 'Master of the House'.
I can't catch my breath, you guys are killing me *falls over laughing*
That fireman cake does bear a certain resemblance to Valjean.
These are worse than horrible. Which makes them funnier than hilarious.
I too am curious about the stripper cake contents. Also, that gold thing on the right looks like the back side of a pin-on button. Am I the only one? W T Fern?
SuBee, you are the awesomest ever. Wow.
OMG! I think the blobs with parsley and coffee beans are supposed to be faces! WTH!?!?!