Wrecks For The Rest Of Us
December 23, 2013 It is on this day, at this glorious, joyous time of year, that we should all take a moment to say,
;)
And to capture the Festivus spirit, we erect [heh] our Festivus pole [hehehe] - a bare aluminum rod [wink] - because we all know how distracting tinsel can be.
;)
"Yo, Tinsel, move it! You're blocking our holiday spirit!"
Then we will dine on meatloaf dinner:
;)
"I would do anything for 'loaf...
but I won't eat that."
Followed by cake covered with M&Ms:
;)
"And what is the DEAL with airline food?"
Once the Pepto Bismol has settled, Festivus can officially begin with the Airing of Grievances:
;)
This is when we gripe about all the ways our family, friends, and the world in general has disappointed us over the past year.
Needless to say, sarcasm is encouraged.
;)
Once everyone is basking in the warm glow of a directionless, murderous rage, it's time for the Feats of Strength. Tradition states that Festivus isn't over until the head of the house is pinned in a wrestling match, but you can usually disarm Grandma pretty quickly:
;)
On second thought, it looks like Grandma Dani's been working out.
Oh, and I nearly forgot! Be on the lookout today for Festivus miracles. Because trust me, they're everywhere.
;)
Congrats, Grandma!
Thanks to Lisa N., Rhiannon, Jola S., Marcus J., Dianne M., Lauren M., Bernadett, & JM, who have been just awful to me this past year, AWFUL, I tell you, and do they thank me for the snarky commentary? NoooOOOOo. But that's ok, because I don't need thanks, or love, or basic human consideration, because I... [lip wobble] ... I AM STRONG.
Now quit crying and go fight your grandmother.
Reader Comments (29)
It's Festivus already? Oh no -- and my pole's only half-done!
Well, since it's a holiday, and I have no grievances -- except for the cat who consistently wakes me at 4:47 AM -- I'm going back to bed. Hear that cat? Don't make me do a feat of strength and toss you off the bed.
So, if my grandma got run over by a reindeer then who would be the next viable option to fight?
… Got a question; Why did you cover the double "s" in Ass, ( a euphemism for donkey) and leave the lewd sign on the pole dancer? Sometimes the Puritan censors don't really have a clue.
Good post, though; great combination of dysfunction and inedibility.
I have too many grievances to post, but despite the fact that EVERYONE here has caused me deep emotional pain at one time or another,* I still wish you all a very happy 2014. I sincerely hope the last cake describes all of your lives. What could be better?
*Snort lauging, coffee spitting, and smacking one's head on one's keyboard are all emotionally draining.
Happy festivus for the rest of us :D most of my grievences are directed at congress...
good job, good stuff, good times
Now there's your next T-shirt!
And that "muscular" arm??? For all that is pure and good in this world, that thing must be destroyed! Stat! I have a pretty high tolerance for some of the cakes shown on CW but this one I find most disturbing. Go figure. Maybe it is the ginormous green VEINS running through it, or the inexplicable "shading" that makes it look like it's been mud wrestling, OR the fact that even though it seems to have "rippling" "muscles" it still has a saggy, floppy, triceps. Ugh. Good golly miss Dani...I hope you don't actually look like that!
Happy Festivus everybody!
Air thy grievances:
lard buttercream, most people,
inconsistent world.
So would it be considered bad form if I got my (female) boss a cake that says "Thanks for getting me drunk at the Christmas party!" Umm.. I kinda need an answer quick so I know if I'm eating an entire cake for breakfast O.O
@Sharyn ~ My furry terrorist still thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread for bringing him a tree with shiny balls on it to play with.
Did you mean "Pepto-Bismol"? Or is what you use something you get at the mal? I don't care one way or the other really; I just like pink.
Oh, and Jen? I don't care how strong you are (but that IS quite an arm ya got there) I! DO thank you for the snark, and I! DO send you cyber love AND! some basic human consideration. (So there, you others!) ;-P
=^-.-^=
@sandy, you forgot the "STD-free" part -- that's what really makes it!
An "STD-free" t-shirt and "I want sprinkles" jeans -- now there's a wardrobe (as long as I'd have some carrot jockey shoes to go with it). Time to go shopping!
About choked at the birth control cake!!! Too funny!! :D
@sendingtheclowns, maybe Jen was thinking that the Pepto-Bismol was dismal and wanted to jump on the portmanteau bandwagon?
Also, what is up with the hand on the arm cake? It's just rolled up like it has no bones. Eww.
Yay, Festivus! Ewwww, meat-Bieber!
Jen, thanks for your snarky commentary all year long! Happy holidays and all the best to you and John in 2014!
@Zippy: What do you mean,"carrot jockey shoes"?Those kids are nekkid and don't wear any! =^~.-^=
@Zippy: "An "STD-free" t-shirt and "I want sprinkles" jeans -- now there's a wardrobe (as long as I'd have some carrot jockey shoes to go with it). Time to go shopping!"
I'm seeing my next year's Halloween costume, actually! "What are you supposed to be? "I'm a Cake Wreck!"
Jen: My deepest thanks for our snarky commentary that always brightens my day.
I actually LOVE the birth control cake. At least someone as a sense of humor about it! However, Justin Beber meatloaf with eyeballs and teeth makes me shriek in terror.
My current gripe is trying to get new health insurance. 60+ hours of work since Oct. 1 and it's still not final.
I totally love the meatloaf .. reminds me of this meatloaf artistry. Romney loaf anyone? http://www.ridiculousfoodsociety.net/search?q=meatloaf
While they were testing Grandma Dani for STDs, they may have wanted to check for steroids. I don't think there would be a celebratory cake for those results (but don't tell her I said that!)
I read this post while wearing my "Festivus for the rest of us" shirt. And the universe was aligned.
I love these, thanks for sharing.
Instead of sugar plums dancing in my head this week, now it will be Bacon Beiber!! *shudders*
I hardly dare ask, but what are the teeth on the meatloaf made from?
Thanks for the sarky commentary. Wishing all at Cake Wrecks a Happy Christmas and all the best for the New Year.
My grandmother is dead. ...thanks for reminding me....
Seriously, I am trying SO HARD to get into the Festivus spirit, but these wrecks make it hard to stay grumpy!
CW team:
I know it's not in the proper Festivus spirit, but thank you for the regular doses of snark and silliness..along with some of the worst & best cakes out there. The internet would be a much poorer place without you.
That...meatloaf head is the CREEPIEST thing ever!
Oh man did I ever laugh hard at the meatloaf Bieber lol. Wow. No way would I want to eat it though. And does that stripper cake say eat it Christmas?? My eyes may be lying to me. Either way yikes wreckerators just what exactly is the holiday you guys are celebrating at the bakery?
@Stephen Barker: Looks like onions to me. What worries me are the EYES--they won't stop looking at me. I don't eat food that watches me. Just as a rule. (That thing--not really sure you can call it a cake--may be my major Grievance this year. That and the bagel strike.)
Despite the decorator's spacing issues, I would consider going to the bakery that created the birth control cake simply because the decorator properly put the comma after "Thanks." That's a Festivus miracle in itself.
that meat loaf looks like a burn victim. i'm going to have nightmares.