Caaandy Candy Candy!
November 6, 2013 Everyone raise your "fun-size" Snickers for a toast, if you please:
TO LEFTOVER HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Omm nomm nomm.
Of course by now you've probably worked your way through all the Top Tier candy - the M&Ms, Twix, Skittles, etc - and are down to the Tootsie Rolls, Dum Dum Pops, and Smarties.
You know, THE DREGS.
Ah, but you can transform all that crappy candy into terrific treats the whole family will love! All you have to do - and follow these instructions very carefully - is dump the candy on a cake.
;)
See?
No need to unwrap it - we all know no one wants those chalky horrors touching their cake anyway. [shudder]
Or, if you want to get really ambitious, go ahead and unwrap everything and just let loose with a FULL CANDY ASSAULT:
;)
Voila! Now it's a "Large Fruit-Topped Cheesecake!"
If you're the type who likes to plan ahead, here's an economic option: save up all your dregs, mix in a few peppermints from your local take-out order, and BAM:
;)
Instant Christmas caaaake!
And hey, throw in a few more ribbons and plastic sprigs, and your guests will eventually decide NOTHING here is edible - thereby saving you ONE ENTIRE CAKE. Save it up! Use it again next year! Play your cards right, and this could be the family's new fruit cake. [CHA-CHING!]
Welp, I hope these suggestions have been helpful, guys. Just remember: plastic-wrapped candy doesn't always work on a cake:
;)
At least from Candy's perspective.
Thanks to Katelyn C., Ginny V., Missy N. & Rachel S. for knowing that you ALWAYS say "caaaandy candy candy" in Garfield's voice. ALWAYS.
****
PS - I have no explanation for why cocooned Barbie was in the display case, but I do have another shot of it from Jason P.:
;)
Reader Comments (101)
Looks like Agent Cooper needs to investigate the death of Laura Palmer.
I'm sure the sheriff will be able to recommend a clean place, reasonably priced.
Sung to "You Don't Know Me" from the candies' perspective
You put your hand on me
And then you say, "Oh no."
And I can hardly speak
But you don't eat me, though.
And anyone can tell
I think that I taste swell
But, you won't eat me.
No, you don't know Smartees
Will make you super bright
A Full Candy Assault
Will leave you feeling right
Starlight mints are your friend
That's all they've ever been
Go, unwrap Barbie.
O.M.G.
These are actually for SALE somewhere? People actually BUY them? Smarties in wrappers on a cake? Barbies wrapped in plastic wrap on a cake? Just wth is being celebrated?
So many questions. So little time.
Really wrong, but I want the cheesecake O_o
Dexter Barbie!
Is Ronald Reagan responsible for that "Large Fruit Topped Cheesecake?" That topping is fruit the way catsup is a vegetable.
BTW-I love Smarties. In fact I love all of the so called crappy candies: Circus Peanuts-yummm, Necco Wafers? Bring 'em on. Candy Corn? Yesssss!!!! So I'll trade all of my (daughter's) Mr. Goodbars for your crap.
Except those Starlight Mints-I hate those things...
Maybe it's just the ol' eyesight failing...but I don't see a single piece of fruit on that fruit-topped cheesecake. It's probably not even cheesecake. And what the heck is that thing in the middle? A snail? A rolled-up dollar bill? Curious readers (or reader, because it's probably just me) want to know!!
I am more than a bit disturbed by Body Bag Barbie. It appears the pictures depict two different cakes (the little pink swirly thing has a black center on one and a gray center on the other).
I thought the one was bad enough when I thought it was a cake. (You know, what a horrible waste of a potentially good cake.) But a cheesecake buried in gummies, Peeps pumpkins and candy corn? I'm sorry, but it's no longer just a horrible waste of a potentially good cheesecake. The mere thought of it is triggering my gag reflex. Ew. (Though, I suppose the cheesecake would be redeemable if you could peel off the top layers of sugary debris.)
It looks like Candy is levitating. Magical shrink wrap!
Sharyn... I can hear this song in my head - nice job... perfectly done.
O.o. Am I weird for being grossed out more by the plastic wrappers on the cake than by the candy? I actually like Dum Dums, and Smartees are one of my faves. Then again, I also like fruit cake so I guess I am not the one to judge.
@Haiku Joy: I applaud you for training for and entering the St. Jude 5K run. Upon reading that, your new legal representative, Mr. Potato, Head Counsel, and I* were talking about what a kind and compassionate person you are to honor your friend’s child’s memory in this exceptional, personal way. So, as this event this is a fundraiser, we would like to be a sponsor/supporter/contributor on your behalf. Seriously. It doesn’t matter how far you run or what your time is – we admire you and celebrate your unique gift of yourself. I don’t know if you are raising funds as an individual or as part of a team, and I don’t know when or where this event is – in fact, I don’t know anything, except this: we would be pleased to support you and what you are doing. I have listed my e-mail address at the end of this. If you are comfortable with this offer, and it is a real, genuine offer, just send me the information I need to do this so that we can be with you in spirit and also honor the memory of your friend’s baby. I believe that no man is an island. My guess would be that contributions can be made on-line, and I am fine with that. I will be out of town late Thursday morning until sometime Monday afternoon. If this meets with your approval, and I hear from you by the time I leave, I’ll take care of it before I go, otherwise, I will do it Monday. Really. Now, carb up! (I don’t know what that means, but when they have races around here – most notably The Bix 7 – that’s what everyone says to do.)
*Yes, I know Mr. Potato, Head Counsel, is not real, but sometimes we’re seemingly inseparable.
mchef8@hotmail.com (this may be hard to read – it’s the first letter of my name (m) then CHEF (chef) then the number eight (8) at hotmail.com
NanTzu, perhaps it's actually her cousin look a like (you know, like Patty and Cathy Duke) Love it that someone else thought of Twin Peaks immediately. Damn fine cup of coffee Diane.
The Barbie cake looks Dexter-esque.
LOL, mummified Barbie!
And I think that was supposed to be "cheesy" cake....
Plastic wrapped Barbie
New Spa-wrap fad is now here
Shrinkage guaranteed
The ultimate weight loss craze
Lay on cake then eat it too
I LOVE SMARTIES! I WILL TAKE ALL THAT YOU DO NOT WANT!! mmmmmmmm SMARTIES!! nom nom nom!
Can we at least get some air holes for Candy/Barbie?? Ye gods.
@Sharyn: lol....that was sweet....
@SuBee: I'll take your offer -- except I'm keeping the Circus Peanuts -- I know someone who's looking for Mr. Goodbar......
miss_paper is right--those are two different "shrinkwrapped barbie" cakes. Is this a thing now? o_O
See, and here I was thinking that last one was a really great DEXTER tribute cake.... except it needs a little of that strawberry goo that looks like blood.
waaait a minute....Smartees are not "dregs"... Used to be, folks had respect for the second choice of every juvenile sugar addict I knew (no one could beat out Pixie-stix, the jumbo straw filled with flavored sugar, as a way to main-line back in the day).
ALERT -- THESE ARE TWO DIFFERENT BARBIE CAKES. I REPEAT, THESE ARE TWO DIFFERENT CAKES!!!
You can tell because the little plastic heads stuck on the right fronts of the cakes are different colors!! So that means this cake, with these colors and plastic, are a STANDARD cake. Not just a random one!
It makes it a little more horrifying. -_-
Do the Large Fruit-topped Cheese Cake and the Instant Christmas Caaaake! remind anyone else of Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa cake? They seem to have her, uh, "flair" for the lets-just-put-all-these-random-food-items-together-and-pretend-we-know-what-we-are-doing. Gag reflex working overtime this morning. Oh for the days when we get to look at birthing cakes!
And the Shrink Wrap Barbie Cake? Niiiiiice! I've wanted to do that to Barbie for a long time. Laughing definitely helps with the whole gag reflex thing. Thanks Jen. You rule all!
For some reason I totally heard it in Oprah's voice when you wrote "Instant Christmas caaaake!" Maybe that's one of her favorite things for 2013.
Well Jen, when you said dregs, I really expected to see some of those AWFUL orange-and-black- wax-paper-wrapped peanut butter candy things. Maybe on a cake too awful to post?
@Sharyn LOL!!! I love the lyrics you come up with!!!
And how scary is Barbie/ Candy...? I like the "Body Bag Barbie" miss_paper, oooh, how about Candy the Corpse as the name of one cake and Body Bag Barbie the name of the other!
Okay, I have to go now. Great post Jen, love it as always!
First thing I thought of.
@Amanda H. - No, I want to know too! Candy lightsaber? Candy strut that fell off a candy Star Wars model? Off a candy Star Trek model? ?Battlestar Galactica? And those pumpkin peeps - sacrilege!!! NO CROSSING THE STREAMS! Peeps are ONLY for Easter, BAKERS. Next those blasted candy corn pieces will show up @ Easter, hiding among green frosting grass with the eggs!
And my friend Candy from high school would like to be unwrapped now, thank you. Totally wrong dress for her anyway. She was more of a tomgirl than fancy dresser...and a bit shy. Couldn't bring herself to go to Victoria's Secret for my bridal shower gift (I registered there), so she gave me some very nice bath salts instead. (That was years ago. Wonder if she's gone in there yet... :-)
Did You Know…
Today’s post is timely and brings to mind the poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty. A gift from France, whose people are known for their quirky sense of humor, statue was really a carefully plotted Halloween trick. Planned down to the last detail, the strategy involved having the dedication on October 31, 1886. Unfortunately, severe weather was forecast for that day, so the event was moved ahead to October 28th. A setback to be sure, but the French took it in their usual liaise-faire manner, with a bit of que-sera-sera and a touch of mairzy doates and dozy doates. At the formal dedication, dignitaries of every stripe were present, and the U.S. waxed eloquently about how wonderful this gift was and how it cemented U.S.- French relationships. The French remained impassive, smiling politely while laughing their heads off inside. When they revealed the poem, there was an uncomfortable silence. The Americans had thought it would be in English, but it was in French, and they could note translate it. The French ambassador, barely able to contain himself, offered a translation, the one we are all familiar with: “Give me your tired….” Everyone nodded and smiled, and then took a brie break.
It was not until only recently someone actually translated the poem, and it is here that the French’s Halloween trick was revealed. Embarrassed to have been tricked, the government locked the translation in a deeply hide vault and vowed never to reveal the real poem. However, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, the original poem can now be public.
Give me your Smarties, your Dum Dum Pops,
Your candy dregs that make you want to flee,
The wretched refuse of your Halloween score,
Send these, the Circus Peanuts, your cast-asides to me,
Leave them by the lamp beside my front door
LOL... the Shelob serial murderer/cocooner has struck again... SKIPPER COULD BE NEXT!
Could be the Barbie cake is a nod to a bizzare new trend in Japan where couples are shrink wrapped together and photographed. (Honest! I don't have the link handy, but Google it.) But if so, why isn't Ken with her?
The baker of the large fruit-topped cheesecake was very thoughtful; he included a syringe to help bring you out of your sugar induced coma.
Okay, Body Bag Barbie, whatever. What *I* want to know is: what is that thing at the bottom (the thing that is different colors, which led us to confirm these are two different cakes)? It sort of looks like a creepy skeletal hand holding a large smoke bomb, but I was up late and haven't had coffee yet...
Maybe the wrapped Barbie cake was supposed to be for the recent Dexter finale?
No, no, no! My last (and only) "fun size" Snickers was eaten yesterday. There was nothing "fun" about its size, unless you consider teasing to be fun. But Skittles are not first tier candy...you can keep those. Smarties on the other hand...one of the best. Smarties and Pixie Stix. Both hard to find, both worth the search.
The Love Song of Halloween Candy
(sorry, T. S. Eliot)
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening sun sinks behind the sky
Not Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go through certain porch-lit streets
No muttering of retreats
Of restless nights in anticipation
Of costumes, which one to wear…
Houses that give out bags of treats
Of questionable content
To lead you to an overwhelming question. . .
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Handing out bags of green Play-Dough.
@mel ~ Thanks, now my "allergies" are acting up!
I'm one of the few who actually like Smartees too! Lucky for me my youngest doesn't like 'em so she gives 'em to me. I would never ever ever put them on a cake however.
Poor Barbie. All those years being stuck in cake have finally done her in.
@Just Andrea- I was thinking the same thing. Especially since just seeing the pumpkin peeps lining the cheesecake made my spleen scream just thinking about it.
And I love the idea of making the Christmas Cake your new fruitcake, especially if you have one of those families/offices that just keeps passing the same 20 year old fruitcake back and forth as a white elephant gift every year. AwESOME!
Barbie in cling wrap immediately screamed (screamed... He he, not with plastic over her face!) "Suburbia". That movie freaked me out! It was so good I bought the DVD & never watched it again - too scary for me! I prefer the good ol' "Rear Window" type scary movies, which "Suburbia" did so very well!
Maybe I should put it on & eat a bowl of Smarties; I'm right there with you Sunnystarfish!
I fail to see how the Canadian beloved Smartie can be considered a Dreg at the bottom of the candy bag.....its on the #1 list north of the border for those Connoisseur's of fine Canadian Confection (see what I did there "CCC", patooie, hahah)
I'm thinkin' "Dexter" or "Six Feet Under" on that last monstrosity.
That said, the cake itself is pretty innocuous, and actually reasonably well-decorated.
It's just the BDOA (Barbie, Dead on Arrival) on top.
I've been squinting at those two last cakes. I believe the plastic Barbie head flotsam on the front is just a different color due to the different camera phone qualities, as there's just no way that everything else is aligned exactly the same way with the same # of scallops on each border, the relative positioning of Candy and the flotsam, etc.
The only thing I can't find as otherwise identical is the price tag sticker. It's only on one of the two, unless the difference in the angle manages to make it disappear, or it fell off.
Still, it's disturbing, no matter how you analyze it.
I got the strangest e-mail this morning:
My dear hopefully friend in america. Yet have we the extreme pleasure of fact-to-face not done, but I want to make extreme generous offer to share with you immediately. I have been granted Powers by my uncle who is man with Powers so that I may beg your kindness and present to you what you call “a chance in someone’s life time” only for this life time it is you. Please listen to me out and you will be happy to the most possible. I have secured by no means easy a large amount of wrapped and some unwrapped treats of a sweet nature that you may consume directly or please others by donating them one or three at a time when small persons surrounded by make believe clothing hit your door one night soon and request food of a sweet nature. I am in ownership of many of these treats called dregs which my family has sometimes used to place on cakes of the finest variety so that others may buy them and enjoy their fine look and taste. My family has doing this for many family members long and we are prefessionals in this kind of bakery business. Sometime our family in america who makes these in your place of living will see them placed in a place of high honor called Kake Reks they are so beautiful. In my ownership I have pops who are dum dums, peanuts fed to the elephants at the circus, smart ones, worms made of a sticky thing, little wafers lacking flavor, pieces of make-believe corn that sticks in your teeth, peppermints surrounded in thin plastic that has been aged like cheese, many rolls of a food called tootsie, and many other fine things that people highly desire. I am making this gift to you as you are a good man or woman who I would like to make the facebook friend with you. There is no cost of money to you for my generosity but my uncle must have a small postage to send large amount of this generous gift. We do not have banks so your bank money is safe with you. To be a good faith person you can just send me a credit card number and I can have strong uniformed man with official truck deliver your kind gift of many dregs to your house where you live to your door with no effort for you.
I want to desperately share my dregs with a fine person of man or womanhood like you immediately today. Please contact me directly to do so.
Your new friend, Alkadmfo Maeora Flaksdmvcosae
Am I the only one who thought Lord of the Rings when I saw the Barbie cake?
Tim Burton not responsible for this Halloween version of the Corpse Bride
@mel ~ Sounds legit to me! I especially like the parting "fine person of man or womanhood like you" part.
@The Midnight Writer ~ Thank you so very much for letting the truth be known! I will never look at Lady Liberty the same o.O
Woa, that takes "Barbie cake" to a whole different level. A bad one. A level below the sub-basement built for unethical scientists who are publishing research on the degrees of terror a little girl gets upon receiving said cake...
OR
Maybe they aren't Barbies. Maybe they are the petrified remains of little girls who continuously screamed for a Barbie cake for their birthdays - imperiously demanding that they have a Barbie birthday cake or they will hold their breath until they died; little realizing that they would unleash an ancient curse to eliminate spoiled brats for the next thousand years...
OR, maybe I watched too many horror flicks on Halloween!
Seriously, though, that "cheesecake" is the real horror!
You are crazy, Smarties are delicious!
I think Barbie is just wrapped up to keep her clean so you can sit her on the cake when you get home...if you look, she's on the *outside* of the plastic dome cake cover. I'm not exactly sure *how* you're supposed to pose your Barbie on the cake though. The little plastic thing in the corner is the Barbie logo - her silhouette.
I thought I was the only person who says "Candy,Candy,Candy" in Garfield's voice every year when the trick or treaters show up!