The Miracle of Birth, With a Side of Raspberry Jam
August 10, 2012 It all started with the first censored Cake Wreck:
;)
Remember when I first posted this four years ago? How shocking it was back then?
Ahh, those were the days.
Unfortunately, wreckerators thought edible birth scenes were a BRILLIANT idea, and suddenly there were fondant babies popping out of raspberry jam-smeared vajay jays everywhere. And for some odd reason, I can't help but feel just a teensy bit responsible.
I am become death, the destroyer of wombs.
You might think the more cartoonish versions would be less traumatizing, but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have. Yeah, you heard me: PUBIC HAIR SPRINKLES. If I have to see it, the least you can do is imagine it.
;)
Do you see the size of that censor box? DO YOU?
Let's just say there are five people at that shower who will never eat chocolate sprinkles again.
And the sixth will never kiss the top of her kids' heads again.
You'll also note that the pubic hair sprinkles are shedding/spreading down mom's legs. You will note this, because I won't let you not note it, and also because I'm really enjoying typing "pubic hair sprinkles."
Question: Where are this poor woman's arms?
;)
And why does she have two pumpkins on her chest? And should we be happy the baby is smeared in white icing instead of raspberry jam?
Which reminds me of a:
TRUE STORY I COULD NOT POSSIBLY MAKE UP: I've attended one birth in my life (beside my own, of course, but the view that time was terrible), and the baby was a "cheesecake baby." Nurses, feel free to explain that in the comments. Everyone else, good luck not remembering this the next time you're eating cheesecake.
I'd really hoped this kind of insanity was contained to just the U.S., but no.
;)
I'm not sure what's coming out of that woman, but it looks like the volleyball head from Castaway floating in intestines. (The censor bar says, "You're welcome.")
And speaking of censor bars, this final cake was so explicit that it was actually impossible to make a censor bar large enough, so we've done the reverse: covered everything except a small circle. Even that is pretty graphic, though, so scroll with caution - and don't say I didn't warn you. ;)
;)
You guys, I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss belly cakes.
(You know it's bad when a C-section cake is less traumatizing, am I right?)
Thanks to Tessa L., Ginn, Christina T., Karen H., and Amanda N., and an extra big and bloody thanks to Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes, the baker of the most explicitly realistic birth cake I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in all its uncensored glory.
Laura actually sent me the cake herself, explaining that even though she managed to gross herself out with it, she's still especially proud of the "skin tone and blemishes." If your morbid curiosity is compelling you to see the full, uncensored version - and I know it is - then you can see it HERE. (EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned!)
Reader Comments (199)
Pubic Hair Sprinkles??? Who would eat that? I never could eat at Furrs Cafeteria since the mental image gags me.
oh.my.god. I....I...........no...it's just not right....I have no words....
I'm terrified to think what these people would consider appropriate for a Bris cake!
I would run crying, screaming, and gagging from my own shower if that last cake were presented (and it's not my first pregnancy)!
On a (sort of) side note... I used to think NSFW meant Not Suitable For Women, haha. Somehow that applies here!
Apropos of nothing, at this very moment Sandra Lee is on my television box, making a king cake.
Better than these labor cakes? I think not.
Why oh why oh why did I click on that last link? I agree with Annie, we need a time machine to be able to go back and NOT click!
@Sharyn ~ Amazing as usual. You're just awesome!!!
I am SO proud of my self control for not clicking that last link, and very, very grateful as well. I can imagine and that's *more* than enough. hrrrrgggrrrrgggrrrrggghhhh
Gross. What ever happened to a nice sheet cake with icing baby booties?
You may need to create a new tag for these types of posts. "Questionable Taste" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it!
If I hadn't already decided against having kids this post would have sunk the final nail into the coffin for whatever is left of any maternal instinct I might have possessed.
And now I'll never eat cheesecake again.
I have an accidental video clip of my last delivery (it's a long story) and even THAT is less graphic than these cakes. Wow. The sprinkles. Just, wow.
Reason Nº 376548765 to feel deeply grateful for my childfree life: these cakes. Good grief, who can possibly think presenting a (likely nauseous and definitely hormonal) pregnant woman with such a thing is a good idea?
Sharyn, I bow to you! Awesome, as usual. Now I have the melody running through my head though. Honestly, with all the hype, I was kind of surprised (though grateful) that the last cake didn't have an anus...
AAAAUUUGGGHHHHH D: D: D: who could EAT that?! Sharyn hehehehe as usual
The other day a coyote left the visserated intestines plus sundry other parts of a cat strewn on my front lawn. Infinitely less gross than that last cake....
I guess I am the only one wishing whoever took the uncensored photo of that last Crowning Moment cake would have stood juuuust a little further back so I could see the edges of the cake.
While the cake is realistic, it looks like JUST the vagina with leg stumps; no tummy, no torso, no bum. WHY am I complaining about that? Why do I think, "What this cake needs is MORE BODY PARTS"? I have been well and truely warped, y'all.
Still wouldn't EAT it, of course.
No, they don't shave you before giving birth -- but trust me, they used to. When I had my first child, back in the dark ages (1976), they shaved me AND gave me an enema. Imagine dealing with that while you're in active labor with contractions every 2 minutes. Fun, right? And we won't discuss how much fun it was during recovery to itch like a madwoman in an unscratchable place!
These cakes are truly mind-boggling. Fortunately, Sharyn, you have outdone yourself with today's song. I was just discussing Andy Williams the other day with a friend who used to work for him; she said he was a true gentleman. I wonder what he'd think of his big hit being "adapted" for this kind of cake wrecks? :) :) :)
Would it be TOTALLY inappropriate to ask for a piece of the baby head and then LOUDLY proclaim your disappointment that it is not ACTUAL baby brains you are eating? Would that make this insanity stop? 'Cuz I'd take one for the (CW) team and do it. Bonus: Never being invited to another baby shower. Or any other social event. (Not seeing a downside there, amiright?)
I almost think Christina D's post was more disturbing than the cakes.
almost.
You had me at "pubic hair sprinkles"...
but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have - i haven't seen your pubic hair sprinkles either...but I presume you use a mirror, huh Jen?
Why...why did I click on the link???
No they don't shave moms anymore - at least not 8 yrs ago they didn't. They also don't force enemas as they did 30 yrs ago! Thankful for that.
I figured "cheesecake" meant the layer of vernix as well. Babies are gross when they come out & we're gross after they come out - facts of life, whad'ya gonna do?
Annnnnnd...I TRIED the link & THAT pic did not pop up. I was sad, and relieved at the same time.
So very grim. Need mind bleach to add to the eye bleach. I wish, so dearly wish, I hadn't clicked that last link
Still trying to work out who would order cakes like these?
You know your mind is ruined when you look through these cakes and say "meh, I'd still eat it..."
OH NO! I clicked on the last one! Ew! Ew! Ew! Was the cake flavor red velvet? Ick! I can't get it out of my head. Why would anyone EVER think to make something like that for people to EAT?!!!
Does anyone else thing that pubic hair sprinkles also look like little mouse droppings? Now I have another reason not to use chocolate sprinkles.
What has been seen cannot be unseen....O.o
So, if it is a cheesecake baby is one with the vernix, here is a pic and an idea what to do with the vernix. http://bedheadbirth.com/wordpress/vernix-caseosa-miracle-cheese/
Aaaaaaahhhhh oh sweet jeezus!!!
Oh dear.
I can see why the baker was so proud, but...oh dear.
Anyone have a handy unicorn chaser? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Oh. My. God.
I looked. I shouldn't have, but I did.
What a nice preview of what I get to do in 3 months. And in cake form!
Really? Why are folks so sensitive! Show the cakes WITHOUT the blackouts. It's art!
Is that some sort of vestigial tail on the reverse censor bar cake?!?
Oh for the love of... I don't.. I can't.. blergh.
Why are all these "cake moms" naked? When I had my daughter, I was wearing a bra tank top & a hospital gown. Also, my baby shower was held on Christmas day, so I got a Christmas-themed baby shower cake. I was 7 months pregnant with a baby that ended up weighing 10 pounds & starving all the time, hence there are no pictures of my cake.
I ended up needing a c-section for the birth of my son. Best part about it? I threw up all over my soon to be ex-husband :D
@ Sharyn, brilliant as always
@ Andrea, hahaahahaahahaahaaaaa. Thank you!
Show of hands who clicked the link? I was unable to resist that temptation...whaaaaaaaa!
Looks like #6 gave up on shaving a couple of weeks ago.
Tori, In non-C-section births at my hospital, they do NOT shave the moms. I hapened to get a C-Section, and well, what was pertinent was trimmed away. There was no Brazilian procedure.
Did not click the link. Tried to scroll down enough to skip the one more censor bar than cake. I think you should put a note at the top warning us. Just saying, it would probably save us a few mental scars...
OMG i clicked on the last one to see the NSFW version. I can honestly say, having no children, WAY THE HELL WOULD ANYBODY BIRTH ANYBODY EVER!!! sweet baby odin. NO! lol
also on the no arm mom cake. My question is: why the baby upside down and crawling out??
Thanks for the NSFW warning on the last cake - I'll wait until I get home so I can traumatize myself. Maybe I'll ask the hubby if that's really how it looked (I was kinda busy at the time). And now I don't want to take a chance on finding out again... or eat cake ever again. I'm so glad you have this site!!
I had to sit here laughing out loud, banging my computer desk with the fist---because of your humor! You could make a copper kettle laugh!
The cakes shocked me. My Southern-Baptist-Right-Wing-Tea-Party was in full revolt. WTH has this world come to, anyway???! WOW....JUST....WOW.
AAAHHH!!!! MY EYES!!! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!!!
*Snort* I was warned! I'm actually planning a baby shower for a friend. I think I'll just go with a boring old "IT'S A GIRL!" and leave it at that...
my mom is a nurse in labor and delivery. the white stuff on newborns is called the "cheese". what the doctor said was cheese caked baby. as in caked in cheese. it is commonly used to refer to early births.
I propose a new internet rule. If it exists, there is a cake of it. Kinda like Rule #34.
oh my gosh, oh. my. gosh. i can't unsee that no matter how hard i try. time to go dip the eyeballs in bleach ...
Today is my birthday. Yesterday I signed up for a 90 day fitness challenge at the local fitness center. After all the measurements were taken, I jokingly said to the trainer, " I suppose I shouldn't eat an entire cake tomorrow for my birthday." He said I should only eat half a cake. Thanks to today's post, I shall forgo cake and make the trainer happy.
I did look at the uncensored picture. Maybe they were helping other people avoid cake. Works for me.
Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!
Wow, thanks for reminding me of what Mom went through so many years ago.
Thanks mom!
And thanks Jen for the laughs!