Basic Instructions
April 30, 2012 How to Literally Be the Worst Wreckerator:
1) Many names have unusual variations these days, so always remember to double check the spelling ahead of time.
"And her name is Starr with two 'r's."
[writing] "Star...with... two 'R's. Roger.
"No, Star."
"Lady, I got this."
;)
2) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes it only takes a few to get the general idea across.
"Hi. I'm looking for a Super Mario cake with a green pipe on it - you know, the thing with the plant coming out of it? I called it in a few days ago."
"Oh, right. Um..."
;)
"Sorry, ma'am, but your cake is in another bakery."
3) Keep in mind that some grammatical words have more than one meaning.
For example, 'slash' can also mean 'kill', 'period' can mean 'length of time', and 'space' will always be a mystery.
;)
"Not gonna lie; I would have slashed to go to a 'Pirate Space Palooza' when I was 12. Period."
4) Ordering a cake shouldn't be rocket surgery, so always strive to make the ordering process as easy as possible for your clients.
"Hi there, I'd like to order a cake? It's for my friend Vicki; she's turning thirty on Thursday."
"No problem! I'll just write, 'Vicki Thirty Thursday', then, shall I?"
"Um, no - just a simple 'Happy Thirtieth' will do, thanks."
"'Happy Birthday Thirty,' comin' right up!"
"No no, I want 'Happy Thirtieth,' and then her name on it."
"Yooooou betcha. 'Thirty Happy Vickies' it is!"
"Are you daft? Look, I just want 'Happy Thirtieth, Vicki' ok?"
"OH! Of course! Silly me. Now I understand."
"Finally! Thank you!"
"I just have one question."
"What?"
"Where does the 'Thursday' go?"
[silence]
"Vicki? You ok?"
;)
Thanks to Nancy W., Michele S., Steph W., Nancy E., and my good friend Scott Meyer of the real Basic Instructions for the inspiration.
Reader Comments (48)
*singing*
"You say it's your Thursday...
Well it's my Thursday too!!"
Facepalm, headdesk. Do these idiots do that on purpose???
It appears my invitation to the Pirate Slash Palooza got "lost" in the mail.
I never could get the hang of Thursdays....
1. Is it "Talk like a Pirate Day" already? Arr Arr.
2. This is actually a tasteful way to celebrate someone's tubal ligation -- they cut the tube.
3. I would have expected the cake for "Pirate Space Palooza" to be a lot less dull.
4. When Vicki had herself cloned, she was surprised each of the clones had a different personality. Thursday Vicki was always the happiest, while Monday Vicki was a rather sullen witch.
I'm amazed to know these people have probably bred and are teaching their demon spawn such ingenious techniques and "creative" ways to use language!
Rock on wreckies, Rock on : )
"Happy Thursday" is 52 times nicer than "Happy Birthday."
Rocket surgery. Heh. :)
♫ Thursday bells! Thursday bells!
Thursday all the way!
Oh what fun it is to throw...
...This cake a-way! Hey! ♪
(with apologies to Jonti Picking)
That baker never could get the hang of Thursdays.
Yes, there's a great deal of "I spat my coffee out" type posts here, but this afternoon (here in G.B.) I had tears running down my face at the last one. Not as many I suspect, as the recipient though.
Personally, I reckon if you call your kid Starr, you deserve all you get.
(Sung to “I Honestly Love you)
You’re making me hang around here
A lot longer than I should
We both know I got somewhere else to go
But I got something to tell you
I never thought I would
But I believe you really ought to know
I loathe you
I literally loathe you
You don’t have to answer
I can see it in your “Rs”
Order form was literally read
It was pure and simple
You should have realized
And used the brain located in your head
I loathe you
I literally loathe you
Yes, I’m trying to make you feel uncomfortable
Who puts “Green pipe (Mario)” on a cake?
And “Pirate Palooza” really isn’t difficult
I think I’ll copyright
“Pirate Space Palooza” anywaaaaay
I’ll credit you
But I honestly loathe you
Bleeding Thursday Vicki
Is so bad, it’s sublime
It’s rare I end up speaking with a hiss
But I’ve got 20 minutes
I’m running out of time
So I guess that I’ll be leaving here with this
I loathe you
I literally loathe you
I. Literally. Loathe. You.
That last one made me lost faith in humanity.
Did you not know? "Thursday" is the new "black".
Or something...
Many people out there with stellar writing/conversational skills can't get a job... while at the same time others are getting PAID for producing the like of this???
Not a bad idea. Thursdays *should* be celebrated with cake.
I...can't...comprehend these people-what are they thinking, IF they are thinkiing??? D:
It took me a full minute to figure out that 'Pirate Space Palooza' wasn't an actual thing. Sounded real to me. :)
Stupid people are funny. And they're everywhere! LOL I love this site so much!
Hope these cakes taste good
Lack of common sense frustrates
Please repeat 1st Grade!
Okay, that pirate space palooza cake is just ugly--writing issues aside. Why a large flat swath of brown with no other decoration than a bright red border? Is this supposed to be the pirate ship deck...?
Great one, Sharon! Love your musical parodies! Also, has *no one* noticed that the bit about Vicki's Thursday/Birthday cake is strikingly similar to a certain Monty Python sketch?! Rock on, Jen! With big pointy teeth, no less! (Why? The better to eat the cakes with, m'dear!)
In the link to Basic Instructions Scott Meyer talks about playing a game called Star Pirates. We are through the Looking Glass, people!
Maybe Vicki just got another Thursday Next book?
Pirate Space Palooza would be a GREAT name for a rock band.
Things could have gone much worse for Starr-with-two-arse.
Happy Monday, Vicki, and all the ships at sea.
Well, I just ordered tickets for Pirate Space Palooza, and Happy Thursday sounds like a good idea, so maybe it is rocket surgery after all?
It is these types of people that end my day off with a bang, I love how innocently sometimes pure stupidity can be so refreshing.
Maybe Vicki has really snarky friends. Maybe it's an office and four other people each have their own day / cake. A family where extreme measures are taken to keep competitive children calm?
Or... "I know her birthday is on a Thursday this month, but I don't know which one. I'll just play it safe..."
Most likely explanation: She rolls with people who really like cake. You go, Vicki!
Pirate Space Palooza sounds like it could be a sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine.
Rocket Surgery must be sort of like Brain Science :)
Pentagram-R-R,
frustrated typing her name,
settles for Asterix.
*RR
It took me a while to realize it wasn't a Space Pirate Palooza.
"...your cake is in another bakery." Well played.
Hey, Twin Mom - if it's the pirate ship's deck and it's brown.... then it must be ...... THE POOP DECK!!! Ahahahahaha.. hahaa. ha. ha. ahem... *looks around* .. um... *walks away, whistling aimlessly*
Ahhhh, a return to "ole school" wrecks. Love 'em. They never go out of style.
Rocket surgery. Eggo's Syrup would be proud to know I remember where that came from. And no it isn't, fercryinoutloud. *laughingcryinglaughingcrying*
Ceci n'est pas une pipe...
Pirate space palooza sounds like an anime. An awesome anime.
"Sorry, ma'am, but your cake is in another bakery."
*wipes laughter-projected spit off computer screen*
And I don't know what a Pirate Space Palooza is, but it sounds motherfrakking awesome.
Jen your comments on number 4 made me think these bakers should be....CAST INTO THE GORGE OF ETERNAL PERIL!!
Hey, doesn't Pirate Space Palooza fall on Falker Satherhood Day this year? I know it's the same as Vicki's birthday, which is always on a Thursday.
Sillies!! Pirate Space Palooza has already been done: it starred Bare Naked Fillion.
I was watching Inside West Coast Customs this weekend and they made carts for Nintendo from Mario Cart7. I spent the entire hour trying to remember who I know who talks about that game- I read this and remembered! Enjoy this clip
Oh boy. And now I know why I won't order a cake for my birthday this year lol. Although Viki's cake is rather nice if you ignore the Happy Thursday. Unless for her Thursday is her day off. Could be her last day at work too lol. Some days I just thank my lucky stars none of these are for me.
Maybe they were reading the Thursday Next book series. . .
@Sharyn -- great song!
Never assume, @Arlene. Everyone has a wreck with their name on it. It's just a matter of time...
What really confused them was that she needed the cake on Tuesday. Birthday can sound like Thursday.
Right, you'll stay here and we'll leave. Got it!
It's unrelated but I have to share because that last bit reminds me of a trip I had to a major coffee chain that shall remain nameless but does not use two R's in its name. I used their drive-up and the following conversation ensued:
Me: I'd like a grande banana mocha.
Worker-bee: Is that a peppermint mocha?
Me: No, a banana mocha.
Worker-bee: So that's a banana peppermint mocha?
Me: (WTF?) No peppermint!
Worker-bee: Sorry, ma'am, we only have bananas for frappucinos.
Me: I'll take a white mocha...
New blog - Coffee Wrecks!