Pan-Tastic!
April 11, 2012 *peppy infomercial music*
[yelling in a high-pitched monotone]
HI JOHNNY YATES HERE FOR THE ORIGINAL PAN-TASTIC ALL-IN-ONE CAKE PAN. THE FASTEST, EASIEST, SAFEST WAY TO BAKE AND DECORATE ANY CAKE YOU CAN IMAGINE... GUARANTEED! JUST LOOK AT THESE RESULTS:
;)
AMAZING!
NO MORE DECORATING DISASTERS WITH THE PAN-WOW.
;)
*WAH...waaaah*
[yelling louder]
THE UNIQUE DESIGN OF THE PAN-TASTIC LETS YOU TURN ANY CAKE INTO A WORK OF ART!
;)
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT CAKE DESIGN AGAIN!
Attractive, Well-Dressed Woman: "But how does it work?"
SIMPLE! JUST POUR, BAKE, AND DECORATE!
;)
IT'S THAT EASY!
Slightly Confused, Attractive, Well-Dressed Woman: "But can I use it for the Fourth of July?"
[screaming]
ABSOLUTELY!
;)
THE PAN-TASTIC WORKS FOR ANY OCCASION!
EVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL THUMBS CAN DO IT!
;)
Pouty, Slightly Less Attractive But Still Well-Dressed Woman: "But my husband is left- handed!"
NO PROBLEM! THE PAN-TASTIC IS AMBIDEXTROUS!
;)
FATHER'S DAY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!
Wide-eyed Woman In A Sweater Vest: "And what about my mom, the proctologist?"
WE'VE GOT HER COVERED, TOO! IN BRIGHT PINK LATEX!
;)
GIVE HER THE FINGER WITH PAN-TASTIC!
REMEMBER, DON'T SETTLE FOR IMITATORS!
;)
GET THE ORIGINAL AND GET MORE BUNNY FOR YOUR MONEY WITH PAN-TASTIC!
;)
THE CAKE SENSATION THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!
AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE'LL THROW IN THE CAKE-MAGIC ALL-PURPOSE HELMET PAN... ABSOLUTELY FREE!
;)
THAT'S A 600 DOLLAR VALUE! YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $19.99!
ORDER NOW!
Thanks to Grahm, Stephanie L., Stephanie, Erin M., Matilda, Scott A., Celeste B., and Sweet for the hand-outs.
Reader Comments (91)
With the possible exception of the rabbit, those are just horrendous. The rabbit is just, well, it's wrong, but it's, well, barely acceptable. I won't even discuss the butt cake with the whale tail! I couldn't even eat that cake! Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Bite me!"
Staring at the first cake, all I could think of was Oklahoma - but backwards. Then later I see that it can be reversed to be an accurate Oklahoma. Maybe that's the next cake trend - cake pans shaped like all 50 states! Wyoming and Colorado would be easy; Maryland not so much. Hawaii could be a string of cupcakes.
Oh my God, Pan Wow sucks. I've been baking for 32 years, and with Pan Wow my cakes really got everyone's attention, and not in a good way. So, I tossed my Pan Wow. Now, like well dressed bakers everywhere, I switched to Pan-Tastic. I stopped making somewhat less boring cakes AND I stopped having a somewhat boring life. You should see my "Finger Lickin Good Rum Cake!!" It holds 25% more rum!!!! So listen to John, try Pan-Tastic. You'll give it an awkward thumbs up everytime you use it.
SuBee (a real Pan-Tastic user)
***BREAKING NEWS***
The Consumer Protection Agency – Infomercial Fraud Division, has started an investigation of possible consumer fraud against “Johnny Yates” – AKA “The Shouter” – for potentially misleading ads. An attractive, well-dressed and frosting-smeared woman alerted the agency after noting a marked similarity between Johnny Yates’ ad touting the “Pan-tastic” and ads by a shadowy figure known only as “john” hawking the “Pan-Wow.” Many suspect this is the same man, now trashing the “Pan-Wow” in favor of a later product.
A spokesman for the agency stated, “I can’t put my finger on it, but something about the “Pan-tastic” infomercial just screamed for a probe.”
Attempts to contact “Johnny Yates” and “john” have been in vain, although a man at the phone number listed for both companies, a Mr. Thoj, denied any knowledge of the issue, the products, or cakes in general, stating, “No comment.” (CORRECTION: He stated, “NO COMMENT.”)
Stay tuned for later developments.
Is it just me or does it look like an upside down version of the State of Oklahoma???
Personally, I thought it looked like Idaho.
I'll buy one, just to remind Oklahoma legislators....of a... um.. medical item....
mocking
I was thinking more along the lines of Idaho, instead of Oklahoma
Is that supposed to be a finger or a thumb?
SuBee and Sharyn are on a roll today. Love the informercial posts! I guess I've seen too many of the real informercials. Need more wreckfomercials!
Don't toss your cookies.
Mash them into monster's craw.
He'll toss them for you.
AH! Katie beat me to it. I was going to say you are missing a huge opportunity here to make Oklahoma jokes.
GO TEAM!!!
@SuBee & Sharyn AWESOME!!
Gotta be New Hampshire -the proud rednecks of New England.
I can see Oklahoma now that it's been pointed out, but as an Idaho girl, it looks like Idaho to me.
Did anyone else actually try to contort their hand into the shape of the CCC (ptooey!) hand/claw?
I hate to say it, but I think that the butt cake is speaking for me: "what? what?"
The law firm of Siouxby, Doobie and Deux LLP, which has significant experience representing investors in prosecuting claims of baking pan fraud, announces that a lawsuit seeking class action status has been filed on behalf of purchasers of Pan Wow between April 5, 2012 and April 11, 2012, inclusive (the "Class Period").
The Complaint alleges that THE SHOUTER Inc,, a company that together with its subsidiaries, designs, develops, manufactures sells, and resells simple body part shaped cake pans, violated the laws of good taste. Specifically, defendants made false and/or misleading statements as to the uses of said pans. THE SHOUTER, Inc., through obnoxious, though strangely appealing advertising, intentionally led bakers to believe that it’s “Pan Wow” cake pan could be used to make numerous styles of “tasteful bakery items.” The Company’s CEO, known as Jhonny Thoj Yates, personally went on to imply that the Pan Wow was inferior to newer product produced by the company. An investigation by the Consumer Protection Agency-Infomercial Fraud Division, prompted by a whistle blower known only as “Sharyn,” found that the Company's statements were materially false and misleading, and that the new product, known as PanTastic, produced a baked treat that was aesthetically inferior to those produced by the PanWow.
The Consumer Protection Agency – Infomercial Fraud– Infomercial Fraud Division
If you are a member of the class, you may, no later than April 12, 2012, request that the Court appoint you as lead plaintiff of the class. A lead plaintiff is a class member that acts on behalf of other class members and must wear a sweater vest. Be aware, participation in said lawsuit is no guarantee of financial restitution. For more information on the lawsuit, visit SioxbyDoobieDeux.com.
I'm totally on Team SuBee & Sharon! Way to run with the joke ladies! I would suggest Jen hire you, but I'd miss you in the comments section.
Plus Cakewrecks has a good thing going here. $ for nothing and your quips for free.
Actually, Mary, Maryland is just Oklahoma with some very messy slices cut out of it.
@ Mary: Amohalko?
My mind must be even dirtier than previously thought; when I look at these, I see... well, it's an appendage of sorts, but it's not a finger. And now you see it too. I'm so sorry.
Infomercial daze
OK or ID? Don't know!
"What? What?" is correct!
I've seen infomercials that are just like this D:
Vermont?
The prize has to go to the haphazardly added cupcakes, even upside down ones! But why is Cookie Monster vomiting?
Luvs these cakes!!! Wait a sec.... are they supposed to be the finger up, like # 1 fan, cakes??????? I JUST noticed that, if it's right.=)
That imitation one looks like someone has a really painful hand condition.
As for the last, I hope Cookie Monster gets over the flu soon, poor guy.
Lol, I am loving the infomercial posts. I can't help but read them in obnoxious voices. Yay for Pan-Whatevers!!
HAHAHAHAH *SNORT* HAHAHHAHA *GASP* HAHAHAHA this is one of my all-time favorite posts. I can't breathe. Good gravity. You all are amazing. I'm crying...it's all so witty and creative and...and...PANTASTIC
I think it's sooooo adorable how y'all think it's just fine to make fun of our state! And you actually think y'all have some sort of supreme right to tell OUR legislators who work for US, not those who live in OTHER states, what to do! Just adorable! But let me advise you, please don't lay a foot in our state. It might lead to some awkward situations, as our state motto is "Don't Lay That Trash on Oklahoma!" I'm sure you see the problem.
[Editor's note- Wait, what?! What did I miss? I'm so confused... -john]
I WANT ONE!!!! NO, NO, I WANT TWELVE!!! I TAKE THAT BACK, I WANT ONE FOR <B>EVERY PERSON IN MY OFFICE, AND ALL MY RELATIVES, AND MY NEIGHBORS, AND PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW, BUT SEE WALKING IN THE STREET</B>!!!!
I WANT THEM ALL!!! NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!
NO, I <I>HAVEN'T</I> TAKEN MY MEDS RECENTLY, WHY!??!?!?!?!?!
@ Naomi - I, too, see an appendage. Specifically, male anatomy (the whole package, so to speak). It was the first thing I thought of.
Well, now I have "OOOOOOO---KLAHOMA!!! Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain . . . " running through my head. This is weird, because those cakes look like Idaho to me.
Haiku Joy, as usual, I am chortling aloud. "Mash them into monster's craw," indeed.
@JT- HUH?
It looks like the "candles" on the third cake are a little dehydrated...if you know what I mean!
I've also never seen "squiggles" as colorful as that before!
Those cakes are an insult to the REAL Pantastic (c) Plastic Bakeware.
Seriously, what is awesomer than a plastic microwavable cake pan?
Dear SoixbyDoobieDeux: I am writing to say that I want to join the class action suit against THE SHOUTER, Inc. Many people have said I have no class, and this will give me the opportunity to prove them wrong. I recently received my Pan-Wow, and while I made several cakes using it, all my friends said they really looked like rear-ends. As you can imagine, I was the butt of many jokes, and felt like an ass. I tried calling the company, but I ran into a dead-end. I was so bummed out, I was unable to work and got behind in my house payment fell into arrears. I lost my appetite for my favorite food, rump roast. I have not had the money to buy new clothes; my pants are wearing thin and I feel the end is in sight. I may end up panhandling. All this may have damaged my psyche (would that be covered in this suit? Or would that be another suit, or maybe just a sports coat?).
I want to thank that whistle-blower, “Sharyn” for blowing her whistle. I don’t know how that helped, because whenever I blow a whistle the neighbors just complain. Perhaps it is in the kind of whistle she has. Once I had a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle. Then I got a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle, but not very well.
Also, I already ordered the PAN-TASTIC, partly because it was so highly recommended by SuBee (a real Pan-Tastic user) and partly because I wanted the free other pan (it was going to be a gift; it was not for me). (But the main reason I wanted the PAN-TASTIC was because I thought it looked like it belonged in our digital age.) I will hold it for evidence.
Please let me know what to do so I can get a lot of money. Thank you.
Your friend,
Al Uminum
I think the butt cake is a reference to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU.
THE SHOUTER, Inc., has retained the renowned law firm of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe to defend them against what they claim to be baseless, libelous, slanderous, scandelous, sprinkle-less accusations by a disgruntled, former employee, which have resulted in an investigation by the Consumer Protection Agency -- Infomercial Fraud Division. It has resulted in what the company maintains is a "Classless Action Lawsuit."
In a statement released by THE SHOUTER, Inc., the company yelled, "We at THE SHOUTER, Inc., maintain the highest level of business integrity. Don't let the actions of one highly unstable, disgruntled former employee with PTSD (Pan Traumatic Stress Disorder) destroy the reputation of our wonderful company. She was the exception to the rule -- the rest of our employees are VERY gruntled, and are going about their lives raising happy families with ruly children. We at THE SHOUTER, Inc. will fight to maintain our well-deserved reputation as a company that makes fabulous products. For more information, please contact our website. For only 3 payments of $9.99 (plus shipping and handling,) we'll ship you a fact-filled portfolio detailing our side of the story. If you contact us in the next 15 minutes, we'll included a lovely "We Believe in Pan-tastic" foam finger, which you can use to poke naysayers while defending our company. (Additional shipping and handling charges may apply.) (Not valid in the states of Idaho or Oklahoma.) Colors may vary.
In a related topic, THE SHOUTER, Inc. announced the release of a new, limited-edition Pan-Tastic. "IT'S JUST LIKE THE LAST ONE, BUT WE'VE EXTENDED A DIFFERENT FINGER," blared Johnny Yates. "BUY NOW! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED."
@mel -- I'm SO SORRY to hear about your troubles. I like a man who whistles while he irks. Might I suggest a vacation on a milk farm? I think you might benefit from the dairy air.
Attention THE SHOUTER, Inc.: This is to advise you that I have seen a prototype of your "new, limited-edition Pan-Tastic pan with the different finger extended. I would politley ask that you stop production and thus avoid a lawsuit from me. Your "new" pan is an exact copy of the pan I have previously copyrighted: The Bird.
Thank you.
Tinn Foyll
@JT-I think it's quite astonishing how you think it's just fine to question our favorite blog! You actually think you have some sort of supreme right to tell OUR bloggers who work for US, not those who read lesser blogs, what to do! Just adorable! But let me advise you, please don't lay a finger on our keyboards. It might lead to some awkward situations, as our blog motto may as well be "Don't Lay A Finger On Our Keyboards When We're Commenting on Our Favorite Blog!" I'm sure you see the problem (because if you lay a finger on our keyboards, we might not be able to finish our comments, you know.)
The boneless clown troupe
undulate towards Skele-Gro.
Just blobbing along.
But, but, my PanWow hasn’t even arrived yet and it’s obsolete? Who owns this company- Microsoft??
If anyone else read “Bloom County” faithfully, they may remember the tv chasing Opus down the hall urging him to buy turnip twaddlers from an infomercial… when they all arrived he hid in the closet until someone sent them away. : )
On #3- are those sperms pushing battering rams- is that how they get in? o.O I missed the film strip in 5th grade that dealt with this topic.
@SuBee, Sharyn AND mel O.M.G. that’s it! I’m declaring myself your (plural) new best friend!! (to save time you may want to file for a restraining order now- J & Mr. Thoj can help you with that)
And, like aj, I tried to make that hand/claw with my own appendage. Fortunately, I have a splint left over from the last time I hurt that hand so it’s okay.
@John, I’m truly sorry. It looks like Oklahoma could be the new Texas/Canada/Louisiana and you weren’t even the one who did it! (I thought Idaho but Vermont works, too.)
Isn't the Oklahoma state motto "labor omnia vincit?" I had to learn all the Latin state mottos when I took college Latin. More true than "amor omnia vincit," at least.
Sorry, all I could think was dirty thoughts through the whole things. For some reason I was reminded of which finger my brother said his wife liked when the did "it" te he he
Dear CW Team, you guys, as always, are awesome! This post is excellent! But Sharyn, SuBee and mel just put the sprinkles on it (these cakes are desperately in need of sprinkles....)!! :D :D :D
Ahahaha!!!
Also, is the cookie monster vomiting up a big ol mess of cookies in that last shot? :S
OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEE-Sharyn & SuBee are jeanyouses!
(J³-maybe you guys could do videos for "commercials" for these? PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!)
Too intimidated; not commenting today.
Frost it all, Sharyn, SuBee and Mr A.K.A. Jhon, ... no TORT law comments???? Get on it, I'm too low blood sugar to do it myself.