You Gonna Eat That?
February 29, 2012 And now, courtesy of the bakeries of America,
10 Things That Should Never Be On Cake.
10. Wired Ribbon
;)
Or any ribbon, for that matter, but the wired stuff is especially bad. Do you really want sharp metal in your icing? And is it really that hard to pipe a bow? (Don't answer that. I know. Believe me. I know.)
9. Rosaries
;)
Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? I mean, I've heard of cake being "sinfully" good before, but really?
8. Individually Wrapped Candies
;)
Icing-smeared cellophane has never tasted so good.
7. Stuffed Animals
;)
I don't know about you, but the last thing *I* want to see when I open a bakery box is a small furry creature. Besides, can you imagine licking icing off synthetic fur?
(You can, can't you? In fact, I bet you're imagining it THIS VERY SECOND.)
[You're welcome.]
6. License Plates
;)
What is this I don't even.
{Actually, I'm guessing the baker saw this and decided not to take any chances.}
5. Fishing Lures Complete With Hooks
;)
Yet another reason why you don't mess with Texas...cakes.
(And I thought licking stuffed animals would be bad. YOWCH.)
4. Those Disposable Plastic Rims You Snap Off Industrial-Sized Icing Tubs
;)
Seriously, bakers?
SERIOUSLY?!
[Note: It's supposed to be a helmet. And the fact that I know that made me seriously re-consider my life goals this week.]
3: Underwear
;)
Not gonna lie, Marge: seeing actual thigh-highs on cakey leg stumps just made my entire week.
Maybe I should get out more.
2. Live Animals
;)
I suppose you could argue that the fish aren't technically touching the cake...but at that point you have to stop and ask yourself why you're arguing in favor of putting live fish on a cake.
Plus they're not even pretty fish. And what happens when one goes belly-up at the reception? Do you really want to spend your wedding day explaining the circle of life to a bunch of traumatized children? And who takes the ugly minnows home afterward, anyway? The traumatized children? And what happens when sloshed Uncle Bill grabs the wrong wine glass later on?
(Actually, I have an answer for that last one: COMEDY GOLD, that's what.)
And finally, the number one thing that should never be on a cake....IS...
1. Used Pregnancy Tests
;)
And you thought I was joking.
Thanks to Jill C., Nell M., Shayna R., Giana T., Melanie H., Misty S., Neba N., Susie M., Stacey W., & Anony M. for putting all those plastic clown heads in perspective.
Reader Comments (149)
1. Lift object off.
2. Cut cake and eat it.
There now. That wasn't so hard after all!
There will be a test on this tomorrow.
[Editor's note- *sigh* Tell me again why you read this blog, Mary? I just... {rubbing temples} I don't know... -john]
I have never said "EW" so often in such a brief period of time. If there's a Guiness category for this, I think I may have broken the record. For some reason, the "helmet" actually made me wretch. Must have triggered some repressed memory.
And while I'm here, number five is supposed to depict Texas? Really? What's that white stuff? Fishing line? Rivers? A deer that met the front end of a Ford in the dead of night?
Sadly, these all make the License Plate Cake look acceptable.
I have to go take the rosary beads off of my French toast...
Ummm licking icing off of SYNTHETIC fur.... Is real fur any better? Lol "Here kitty. You have some buttercream on your tail". Then there's always people fur.... But I think there is already some sort of adult website for that sort of thing! :D
But the bright side is
Bucket handles are food-grade,
Urine is sterile.
Well, alrighty then. O.o
Sweet Baby Jesus bakers! I can't believe you can actually FIND these things on cakes.
Your goldfish comment made me laugh though. I was like "Hmm, at least it's not on the cake," then I read your comment and just snarfed.
By the time I got to the end of this post, I thought, "Hey, that wired ribbon doesn't look too bad, actually."
wow first!!
ok I think for me, one of the oddest moments, was noticing the placement of the "chest" cakes, above the "leg" cakes......the man "chest" is above the thigh highs.....and the lady "chest" is above what i assumed was a rather deflated posing pouch......perhaps it is a very poor taste thong....but still....yeurgh!!
not that i'm opposed to cross dressing per se, but i think in the medium of cake, it may cause unnecessary confusion!
x
Is that Catholic Cake $25????
If I went to a party that had a cake with LIVE FISH in it I wouldn't wait for the cake to be cut, I'd just go ahead and do whatever I could to either release the fish (if they were native and there was a body of water nearby), or at least have them placed in a larger container with more oxygen in it. "Ugly" or not, putting fish in such small glasses is animal cruelty, as far as I'm concerned. >:(
Every single one of those is scream-inducing, perhaps the last one the most. Real thigh-highs? Real FISH? A USED PREGNANCY TEST?? I'll take my icing stocking-, live-animal-, and URINE-free, thank you! D: D: D:
Unless things have changed, you still PEE on pregnancy tests, right?
I need to lie down for a minute.
Still, these cakes would be great for a MacGyver moment. If someone gives you a cake with a peed-on pregnancy test, you can: 1) Strangle them with the wired ribbon; 2) give them the underthings cakes so they have a change of clean underwear (clean enough -- it's fondant, not buttercream) for their trip into the afterlife; 3) place the rosary and stuffed animal in their hands for comfort and company; 4) use the handles from the helmet cake to dig a shallow grave; 5) eat the candies for energy while you're in the process of digging; and 6) fashion a makeshift headstone from the license plate, fastened down with the fishing flies. The fish would be mourners.
@ Haiku Joy -- Yes, urine is sterile. Let's hope the wreckerators are, too. We need to nip this gene pool in the bud.
I'm with you on most all of them. However, I think the license plate was a good call. They were never going to get that drawn right otherwise. Also, I'm guessing it's a groom's cake and that guy was itching for a reason to buy that sucker for his car anyway.
Hilarious and gut wrenching at the same time. I'm not a big fan of cake (eating it that is) and this certainly won't encourage me either! Thanks cake wrecks for helping me fight those calories.
I'm with leorising...I enjoyed scrolling down and each one seemed to get worse (funnier) until the last three. Wow!
Please tell me they took an unused pregnancy test and drew lines on it. My sanity requires that this be the case.
While I agree with Sunshine Mary to a certain point, I really can't see anyone wanting the cake under what looks like a used pregnancy test. I also agree with Jen: is it really necessary to use these things? You're a baker. If you can't produce something artistic, tell your customer that you only do "traditional" cakes. Granted, you'll lose some customers, but not near as many as you lose with cakes like the CCC U-K monstrosity (the linked one, not the license plate).
Though if more bakers followed my advice, we'd have fewer cake wrecks. Hmmm... never mind. Wreck on!
Well yes, you can remove the things on it. Problem is, do you they sterilized those before putting it on the cakes? How many of them were in a disty bin of "last resort decorations"? I'm glad for once that our local bakeries doesn't produce wrecks...yet.
Loved this one! I will start saving my plastic rims for next year!
I have actually used one of that kind of pregnancy tester and it is NOT the kind you pee on! Urine is involved but not "splashed all over" (you use a disposable medicine dropper and use like 5 drops) That being said, it is still monumentally gross.
I am surprised the bakery was all right with even bringing in that last one. I was hoping bakeries acknowledged this thing called The Health Department. While urine is sterile, I am under the impression that bathrooms are not. One can only hope it's fake!
To Haiku Joy and Sharyn, No, Urine is not sterile. You do know that if you ingest urine, you can contract Hepititis, don't you? I found this out when I worked as the Pee Test person in the Army. There's a reason why you wear gloves when you handle specimens. EWWWW!!!! Just EWWWWWW!
I... I... I... huh.
I wasn't doing too badly until the used pregnancy test.
I'll go with the wired ribbon and the license plate for $30, please, Monty.
Sharon - I love your McGyver'ing of the entire situation! You nailed it!!
What's lying around?
Needles, cat treats, hair piece . . .
Possibilities!
The last one reminds me of a billboard along the PA turnpike where a concerned woman is holding a positive pregnancy test DANGEROUSLY close to her mouth.
As I scrolled down and noticed #2 was "live animals", I thought, what could be worse on a cake than live animals? I got my answer.
So . . . the bright side is
Bucket handles, still food-grade,
Urine is urine.
~~~
And now I'm reading articles about urine on wikipedia. I never know where Cake Wrecks will take me!
Utter disbelief
laziness + bad ideas
equals wrecks for us!
While I agree the pee stick cake is extremely gross, sterile or not, it should be noted this is not entirely the wreckerator's fault. After all, if it a used test (the fact it might be faked didn't occur to me until I read the comments - we can only hope it's so!), then the person requesting the cake had to GIVE it to the bakery. Which means, it's not really a wreck at all - it's exactly what the customer ordered.
No urine is NOT still sterile after the length of time it takes to get it onto a cake. It only starts that way, and is no longer so by the time it leaves your body. Additionally, it exists because it is toxic.
......I don't feel very well.....
How does one get a pair of undies on a cake? 0_o
Top 10 Things --- what a great idea. And I'm quite sure it wasn't at all hard to come up with the list, or pictures, either, huh?? Just what IS that one with the lures on it supposed to be?? Camouflage..... something. Doesn't look like a fish, nor is it shaped like a fish. Or a hat. *head tilt* Nope -- can't make it out.
positive pregnancy test? could be a boy-senberry cake.....
After having followed STFUParents, I can totally believe that some mom-to-be would proudly toss her used pregnancy test on a cake.
Technically, those aren't ugly minnows. They're ugly feeder goldfish. Which makes the "Comedy Gold" even more -ahem- golden... O_o
If it's "the last thing" you want to see, then why is it only #7?
Why are the fishing lures clustered around the green blob like they were feeding on it?!?!
The last few cakes ... Ew, ew & ew!!!!
Is there really any debate over whether or not urine is sterile!?! It's pee... on a cake! To borrow a phrase from Pulp Fiction... Pee might taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat a filthy cake that had pee on it!
And this is coming from someone who has made a cake that sat on a custom-made aquatic gold fish cake stand.
"Possibilities!"
Oh Haiku Joy, you really made me lose it today.
I've got the needles and the cat treats. Now all I need is a hair piece and I can get down to decorating!
I cannot believe what people will do to an innocent cake-the horror, the absolute horror D: O_o
Regarding the "Texas" fishing lure cake...maybe the decoration on top is a horrible rendition of this...?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/5a/Browning.svg
As a Texan I have to say that "Texas" cake is painful to look at, in more ways than the obvious. And you're talking to a woman who went to a wedding where the Groom's cake was done to look like a can of Copenhagen. (Alas, I couldn't get a picture of it, or else I'd have posted it!)
For that last one, I had a hard time even FINDING the darn test. And while I agree with the first poster that for most of these things, you just lift them off, no biggie, something like a peed-on preggo test shouldn't be on there in the first place. Moreover, don't those fish need OXYGEN IN THE WATER? Is it safe to just completely cover the water? My instincts tell me that cake will be a lot less whimsical when the fish are going belly-up halfway through the event.
Maybe the thing on the texas cake was supposed to be this:
http://www.thewareaglereader.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/browning-logo.jpg
or not.
The shape of "Texas" makes me think of a cactus that got run over.
And here I was thinking, "What could be worse than live fish on a cake?". I have to admit, you didn't disappoint. Ew.
Went to a wedding last week. The cake was will done (except the icing was 99% fondant...yech).
No live fish in or on the cake, but they did use them in the centerpieces and they were really gorgeous. Except all of the tables didn't get them because a bunch of the fish decided to up and die, so they used the vases from the aisles as replacement centerpieces on the dead fish tables.
Holy... Moly. The rosary is probably a First Communion cake, But that's still such a bad idea.
Although, not as bad as the USED Pregnancy test. Things that make you go- BLech.
Well, it does look as if the pee stick has plastic over it, or at least behind it, but then there still is the issue of placing non-clean items on something people are supposed to eat...or that may be grey icing placed to prop up the stick...either way, EEWW!
Also, on top of that relief of Texas on the fishing cake, is the white squiggle supposed to be an outline of the head of a deer or some other hunt-able animal? or just a squiggly mess? And most of Texas isn't green (especially with the drought this past year); why the burn marks? Oh boy...
Got to give the bakers points for creativity on the helmet cake, and maybe a little credit for realistic assessment of their skills. They clearly wouldn't be able to construct the face guard from edible cake/icing products, as seen from the head cover portion of the "helmet", and they just decided to admit defeat, find a substitute, and call it good!
Once again, you have reduced me to "Oy!"
I'm so very sorry to see that the helmet cake is a soi-disant Patriots helmet; it just makes me sad(der) in this Season Of Despair and Disappointment. I admit that the Flying Elvis is devilishly difficult to reproduce (probably why they picked it over the late, great Pat Patriot), but that is awful! They couldn't go find a toy helmet and tear off the face guard? Not to mention it looks as if the player must have a big lump on his head (must be some huge concussion there, to bulge the helmet like that) where they tried to make a flat-topped cake domed - and failed miserably! Wonder if that's all icing?
When wired ribbon and a license plate begin to look like logical, sane, and sanitary cake decorations.... you know you're visiting Cake Wrecks.
Can there be how to train your dragon books cake's?
I totally agree with all of those, with one tiny exception. In an episode of Cake Boss, they make a wedding cake with a small cage for a pair of doves to be placed in. It was elegant and tastefully done (and the birds were quickly removed). Live fish: NO. Tasteful cake with doves: SOMETIMES.