Christmas Blues
November 30, 2012 I have a problem around this time of year. It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one.
It goes like this:
I'll be out shopping somewhere with John, when suddenly:
;)
I'll hear it.
And I'll think, "No, it can't be. They wouldn't play THAT song. Not here! It must be some other song."
Then a few more seconds will go by, and I'll realize:
;)
It IS that song.
They're playing Christmas Shoes.
;)
So I tell myself I'll just ignore it. I talk to John a little louder. I try humming It's A Small World. But it's no use:
;)
I start listening, in spite of myself.
And ninety seconds later:
;)
[sobbing] "Buy him the shoes! BUY THE LITTLE BOY THE SHOES FOR HIS DYING MOTHER! AaahhhaaaaHAAA!!"
And my mascara's running everywhere...
;)
And the cashier is like:
;)
And all the other customers are like:
;)
And I turn to John for support, but he's crying, too, so we're BOTH like:
;)
And THAT is why I'm never going back to that Honey Baked Ham outlet.
Thanks to Hannah F., Kimberly S., Linda M., Anony M., Rachel S., Marissa C., Jodee R., Kizzie F., & David G. who might claim they don't cry at Christmas Shoes, but if so they're filthy, filthy liars.
And just in case you've never had the pleasure, here it is. BUT DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
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Reader Comments (259)
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Hilarious!!!
Don't click the link!! PLEASE- don't spread the horror like a plague- you'll click it and the "boo hoo" waterworks start so you tell others and they listen out of curiosity and boo hoo and they tell others and this song will NEVER go away.
Honestly, I have embarrassed myself so badly I now actively dislike this song. I have even told people I hate it. I think humming "Mickey" by Toni Basil helps more than "It's a Small World." No, I won't put up a link here so you can hear that particular earworm and, yes, you're welcome.
I actually like most of these creatures- especially the little red ones- they're awfully cute.
P.S. the first time I heard "Christmas Shoes" I was driving and had to pull over into a random parking lot and boo hoo. UGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Okay, I love the green spikey one with the cookie in its mouth. Adorable!
I had never heard of this song before, and this is the second reference I've seen this morning.
Wait.. was that Rob Lowe?
My question is always....who lets a 7-8 year old boy out to go buy shoes by himself when his mom is deathly ill?
Sometimes my logic wins, and sometimes it doesn't and I have a sudden case of seasonal allergies in public places. (it's the dang kids chorus!)
Without a doubt, the WORST song EVER!!!! If I ever hear it again, it will be way too soon. UGH.
Oh, that song! My husband always says it's the most manipulative Christmas song ever.
Sung to "Blue Suede Shoes"
Well. I'm one for the Honey
Baked Ham, y'know
They're getting it ready
Now, no, No, NO
No, don't you play that song "Christmas Shoes"
Well, you can do anything but don't play that song "Christmas Shoes."
So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table, tears pouring down my cheeks, my hubby thinks someone died, and I gasp out, "It's... it's... just... a really... sad... sooonnnnggggg....."
He thinks I'm nuts. My son hugged me very gingerly, exchanged one of THOSE looks with my hubby, and went upstairs to get dressed.
You did warn us.
Oh, and, "And THAT'S why I'm never going back to that Honey Baked Ham outlet" is the best last line EVER.
Oddly, I have a similar reaction to "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Don't laugh. You've got your family, and I've got mine.
for the record, I would prefer to die barefooted
I love the way the expressions go so well with your story! Awesome. But I have to agree with Amy - that green cookie monster is SO cute!!
The first time my wife and I heard that song we were driving to my family's house for Christmas. We were just about to enter their subdivision when the song started playing.
By the time we reached the driveway, my wife is openly sobbing, tears everywhere, emotional wreck, etc..
My mother greets us at the car, takes one look at my wife and asks, "What's the matter? Did you guys have a fight?"
"No", my wife manages to get out between sobs, "I JUST HEARD THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!!!!!!!"
Shortly after that she bought the single so she could share "The Worst Christmas Song Ever" with all of her friends!
Try Billy Connolly's "Wellies Song". It'll be stuck in your head for ages, but it'll drown out just about anything!
And I hate "Christmas Shoes". Even more when it's playing at my dentist's office.
Guess I'm just cold hearted. Didn't cry while listening to the song (actually that's the first time I've hear it.. meh).
Anyway.. hilarious post as always! The gratuitous waterworks not withstanding...
hmmmm would it be ok to put that song on my Facebook and make a bunch of nosy people bawl their eyes out? yeah? no? lol
Ugh. Christmas Shoes is the worst song EVER. It doesn't make me cry. It makes me angry, and mean. "Good. Maybe your mom is dying so she doesn't have to DEAL WITH YOU you stupid kid." I have hated it from the first moment I heard it.
Great post! I love the faces to go along with the story!
I always switch that song off when it comes on the radio too. I especially hate the part where the kid's choir starts singing.
Oh man, I had JUST forgotten that terrible song existed! It's the worst kind of song: a manufactured story meant to make people go "DATZ TEH TRAU MEENING OF CHRURSTMUZZZZ!!" Anyone that plays that song in a store voluntarily is a terrible person.
That is absolutely the WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!! And I have a friend who it's is his favorite Christmas song! He'll bring up how awesome it is and how it's the real meaning of Christmas and half of our college ministry will be like, "NO! NO! It's terrible and depressing and the real meaning of Christmas is about Jesus!" The other half will somewhat agree with him, but still say it's a terrible song. He always says something about it being the message of commercialism. Everyone else just says it's too depressing to be a Christmas song. And that is the story of my college ministry and the yearly argument over "Christmas Shoes."
I didn't know there was a horrific, soul-crushing video to go with it!! Ugh, I started bawling all over again!
Damn... shoe song.... *sniffle*
There is only one guy singing, but like 10 other guys behind him. What for? Support? Or maybe the singer is hoping the other guys will protect him when the angry mob shows up wanting those 5 minutes of their lives back. I can't believe the director of that video was able to get that level of star power on the video.
Just THINKING of the song has me sobbing...I'm wiping tears just reading about it...thanks a bunch Jen lol Now I need cake
The pop up advertisement when I played it was for a funeral plan provider!
I love that you commented on this song. I want my Christmas songs to be uplifting and upbeat. This song toys with my emotions! Is it even based on a real story, or does it just want to trick me into feeling something?! I resent it.
you are SO mean for posting the link for Christmas Shoes! HAHAHAHAHA i would not be surprised if you got hate email today...ok, maybe dislike email for posting that link because you're so awesome ;)
Oooh you are so right. I didn't know the song before and it made me cry after 3 minutes.
Never heard of the song before. Watched the video. A few seconds into it, I am thinking, "OK, so the mom is hit by a car, is confined to a wheelchair, and son buys her the shoes." WRONG. Much worse. What I want to know is: where does this town exist, where an individual pair of shoes is addressed to an individual independent shoe store and the doctor still makes house calls? "It's a small world after all..."
Thanks a lot! Now my morning vanilla coffee has a salty after kick! I hope to never hear that song again! I know you warned us....but it's like passing a traffic accident. YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK!
Happy Holidays!
(I am going to make my teenagers watch it today...right before Christmas shopping!)
"Christmas Shoes" came on the radio yesterday, I quickly changed stations. I have sons, and now grandsons, and I can't bear the thought of my little boys out in the cold buying shoes for their dying mommy. Who would write a song like that? And make money off it?! At Christmas?!?
Today is a classic, Jen! :-)
Not one of my favorite Christmas songs--WAY too schmaltzy.
The third cake looks like what you would get if Cookie Monster defected from Sesame Street and went over to Veggie Tales!
Dang you, Jen, I clicked the link and now my poor dogs are all worried, plus moist from big blobs of tears falling on their heads (they sleep under my desk) AND THE BAD PART IS, THIS IS SUCH TOTAL FREAKIN' SCHLOCK AND I FALL FOR IT ANYWAY!
Y'mean I'm not the only one who despises that song????? Hallelujah! I thought maybe it was just the grinch in me, not to adore that sentimental, sloppy-tears-promoting travesty of the song-writers' art.
Nothing will guarantee a quicker station change than that thing... Or, in public places, a quick exit, before my fingers-in-the-ears LALALALALA gets me tossed out.
I can't think of a more useless present for a dying woman who can't even get out of bed than a pair of uncomfortable, overly fancy shoes. Buy the woman a shawl, for god's sake! Or even a stuffed animal. But shoes? And what little boy is *ever* going to think shoes are a good present?
I'd never heard the song before. But it's way too sappy for New York stores to play. Maybe it's a southern thing?
But hey, I can't protest a little Rob Lowe fix.
They REALLY need to outlaw that song from being played on the radio. If I'm driving, I IMMEDIATELY change the station when it comes on. Have you tried driving while sobbing? It is not pretty. And the other drivers at stoplights think you're rather odd--unless you look over and see someone else is sobbing too. Then you just nod knowingly at each other and go on your sad, sad way.
I don't like the song. If I had to choose a heartstring-pulling song for the holidays, it would be the country song, Christmas Carol, about a little girl just wanting a family.
I can't stand that song! It always makes me think about the Little Matchstick Girl too, so I get sad and then angry!
Love the post...hate the song (and that's an understatement....)
@Barbara Anne: I, too , first heard it while driving...thought it had suddenly started raining 'cause I couldn't see well...turned on the wipers...no help...alas...it was raining, raining in my heart....(shudders)....
This reminds me of when I was Christmas shopping about 10 years ago at one of the big box stores. The worst, sad-sap Christmas song came on; within 1 minute I wanted to drop everything and run screaming from the store. I've never been back. Seriously, shouldn't retailers want to keep people in the building?!
I think the "portraits" of you and John are just awesome.
Hearing that song over a store's PA system makes me cry... tears of impotent rage. I hate that song so much. It is so clunkily written, so cheesily sung, and as SaraV pointed out, the base concept defies logic. I'd rather hear "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" on endless repeat.
Imma think I'll skip the video because I tear up at the drop of a hat and if it's as manipulative as everyone says it is...and I've got a work meeting in half an hour and that would not be good.
But I have that same reaction when I hear them play Dan Fogelberg's "Same Old Lang Syne" which they also have to play this time of year. *sniffle*
Bob, I love you. That is all.
I am not fond of Drummer Boy, but I would listen to it 24/7 if there could be a world-wide ban on Christmas Shoes.
On the other hand, if Christmas Shoes enables these cake masterpieces to gain an audience. well... nah, nothing makes Christmas Shoes acceptable.
These cakes are awesomely awful.
Darn you!!! I clicked the link, thinking I could be strong and hold out. Nope, tears running down my cheeks. You are an evil woman, Jen! Of course, that's why we love you!
I like the green one too...but it makes me think think that Cookie Monster got pissed off at Oscar the Grouch for insulting his table manners.
I HATE that song. Barbara, I agree with your husband. In fact, the other day I thought those exact words. It IS manipulative. As an English major, we learned all about how sentimental works are essentially manipulative and I just can't get past my training. :-)
I HATE THAT SONG!!! Thank you so much for bringing up such a painful memory! And while you're at it, why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice over it?
I treasure my ignorance of this song, and neither love nor money will convince me to click the embedded video.
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Hehehe, I'm with you Jen. By the end of the song, I'm usually looking around for some random kid to buy shoes for:
Me: *sobbing* "Here's some nice shiny pumps for you, random kid"
Kid: *backing away from the crazy lady*
Me: *hiccup sobbing* "Please! *hic* Take the shoes! I don't care what you do with them, I just *hic* NEED TO BUY A KID SOME SHHH*hic*OOOEES!"
That's usually about the time security shows up.
I had never heard of the song, and only read the lyrics. That was enough for me to get teary! Probably a pretty bad song...
That is the worst song I have ever heard. Is it a joke? It made me cry, but not because it's touching!