Subjective Reasoning
October 24, 2012 Sometimes the best part of checking the Cake Wrecks email is reading the subject lines you readers come up with. After all, it's not every inbox that can boast lines like "Loose Stool or Sea Slug?" and "Two Words: Flaming Caterpillar."
Here are some more fantastic, actual examples of reader email titles from the archives. (No, seriously, I am not making these up.)
"Dogs with grad caps nailed to their skulls" - from Amy T.
(Admit it: you would open that one first, too.)
;)
And she really nailed that description on the head, huh?
"Asphyxiation Barbie: SVU" - Sarah M.
"Looks like somebody..."
[removing sunglasses]
"...took this doll's breath away."
"I was looking for Monistat at the Walmart..." - Scott F.
"Yeast ring?" I donut think that means what you think it means...
"Princess Leia's Frhog" - Colleen K.
;)
"Help me, Oinkie One Kenobi; you're my only hop."
"Madagascar Nipples Cake" - Amy E.
;)
[Insert "Tracts of land" joke here.]
"Peanut Mouth Cookie Ninja" - Amanda B.
;)
(Does the head wound mean the ninja's already been here?)
And my personal favorite:
"I don't know what it is, but it's angry and it has a guitar." - Petra R.
To be fair, it also has a pilgrim hat.
Thanks to all of today's wreckporters for continuing to keep our spam filters guessing.
Reader Comments (62)
Sometimes the titles are almost better than the cakes!
John, I cracked up at the David Caruso CSI line! My husband watches that show, but I can't stand it. I've mastered a really good David Caruso imitation, though!
I think Peanut Mouth Cookie Ninja is meant to be a reference to the Watchmen comic book. I don't think it's intended to be extremely poorly implemented, but it is.
I bet your spam filters choke on a regular basis! Out of curiosity, just how many emails that you actually want end up in the spam? I can only guess that it's a whole lot more than for most people, if this sampling of subject lines is anything to go by!
What once seemed cheap, now
saves thousands in counseling:
"Toy Sold Separately"
Was the cookie supposed to be a Watchmen cookie? Cause I would be SO mad if I ordered something so cool and got, well... that!
Sung (somewhat loosely) to the Twelve Days of Christmas, starting at 7
Seven days before Halloween my stalker gave to meeeeeee
Splitting headache doggies
Body bag Barbie
Mon-i-stat rings
Darth Froggie’s daughter
Breastfeeding cake
Bleeding Happy Face
And a punk tribble with a guitar
OMG!!! That last cake is....special.
Man, I've missed you guys. I'm always surprised when I come back after a hiatus how many people ask after me. Thank you for all the "welcome backs" and "hidey-hos" and "avast, me lassies."
If I had a dime for every "nipple cake" - !
Sharyn, any chance you could go all the way to 12, just so I'll have a better version to sing at this year's church Christmas celebration?
that last cake, Looks like someone fed the Mogwai after midnight...
Does anyone ever actually ask you if you're making these up? On a site with spectacularly bad baked goods I tend to think we'll believe ANYTHING of our fellow readers.
#1 white dog to yellow dog: "Am I a good guy or a bad one? I can't see the color of my hat."
#2 to be fair, we've all complained about non-edibles on cakes and someone was clearly listening! Sharyn's Body Bag Barbie will be in my head for days.
(To be honest, I would've drawn a "chalk" outline. I might have had to strip the top layer off and re-do it but I would have done that.)
#3 Raise your hand if you did Homer's dreamy "do-nuts" in your head. (raises hand)
#4 the only thing more precious than that cake is calling it Oinkie One Kenobi! (though it is pale so Wan still worked) wantwantwant
#5 are those actual led lights on that cake? I saw green shag carpeting with two symmetrical piles of poo.
#6 huh. I got nut-thing.
#7 okay, I agree it could be a Tribble but it looks evil so I was thinking Critters. I also wouldn't have noticed the pilgrim hat as I was afraid to stare at it too long: "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." - Nietzsche
Maybe I'm old, but the first thing the popped in to my head when I saw the Barbie cake was Laura Palmer...
"She's dead; wrapped in plastic."
(For the youngsters, that's a "Twin Peaks" reference.)
Is that - the Watchmen-Smiley?
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rO24h2l9QIg/TeXfgWmriMI/AAAAAAAAAkE/YLllNm4VdlI/s1600/watchmen.png
Why???
TMI here: I am Scott F's wife, and it is true. He was at Walmart picking up Monistat for a stubborn yeast infection. Needless to say- we won't be eating donuts for quite some time.
Haiku Joy, it is good to have you back. I think flaming creature with guitar was just about to go out on the town and thought, "This look needs something. I know, a hat!!"
I don't think that those are nails holding the caps to the dogs' skulls. I think that that's blood coming out from under the caps. Or maybe brains?
That last one looks like about 30 seconds before the aftermath of a classic Halloween prank. With a pilgrim hat and a guitar.
Sharyn and Haiku joy thanks for giviing me much needed laughs
"Madagascar Nipples Cake" would make a good name for a rock group, don't you think?
Great post!
I love that the "Peanut Mouth Cookie Ninja" is labeled as a 12" Message Cookie. What, exactly, is the message here? "Severe Peanut Allergy is Severe"?
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got HUGE....tracts of land..
Awesome.
Further proof that the fans/wreckporters are just as much fun as Jen and John (thoJ)!
Is it bad that I think the guitar-playing pilgrim Tribble is kinda cute?
I came in to say what JB said. Can't belieeeeeeeve you missed a Twin Peaks opportunity!
TMI SVF, TMI.
Hmmm... If the hat on the last one is supposed to be a black cowboy hat instead of a pilgrim hat, it MIGHT be an homage to Johnny Cash & "Ring of Fire". Which I now have stuck playing in my head.
Regarding that last cake: to be fair, I'd be angry if someone stuck a Pilgrim hat on my head and lit me on fire too. Well, either one, actually. Although I might not necessarily express my rage with a mean guitar lick.
OMG. The store that body bag Barbie came from is in my area. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid.
Yep, what JB and Katy said. I immediately had that theme by Badalamenti running through my head. Damn good cherry pie, uh, cake. (Except it isn't.)
CSI Barbie
YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Princess Bride, Star Wars, and Monty Python references all in one Cake Wrecks episode. That's true awesomeness. :D
My kids looked at the last cake and thought it might be a tribute to Johnny Cash. Cowboy hat, guitar and ring of fire. Maybe? Still disturbing. LOL!!!
A day with a Monty Python reference is a good day.
A guitar and a pilgrim hat? It's Plymoth Rock n' Roll!
Bahaha this is UNREAL that last cake...oh the humanity...
I'm so proud that my "Lemon Poodle of Doom" gradulated!!!!!
"wrraaped in plaaastic"
I first thought of Laura Palmer, too, but can see how hard it was to pass up the CSI riff. Oh, the choices you have to face, be strong, be strong.
Is it just me, or is the last one wearing bunny slippers?
"I don't know what it is, but it's angry and it has a guitar.Holy Hannah! " I just snorted...much to the dismay of my officemates. Thank you. You just made my day.
This post is made of win. The cakes...not so much. :)
In regards to the body bag Barbie: at least it solved the synthetic hair in icing problem.
I thought the bottom cake was supposed to be a huge ball of fire arising from a pile of black ashes...but then the pilgrim hat shot that theory to heck.
Body Bag Barbie should have been unwrapped. Of course, that loses one of the all time great alliterative titles, but think of the 'food safety' EPCOT we'd gain.
Or not.
Thought I'd fallen into a warp in cyberspace, eh? Thought I'd forgotten you guys, eh? As if. Soon to have my very own Internet hookup again.
A computer without net access is like a day without air. One can only
play so many games of Solitairedo so much work, you know.The last one is Plymouth Rock?
Cake #7: Because a hat can fix even the worst bad hair day. ;)
@Craig -- Woot! Now we've got Haiku Joy back, and you're on the horizon!
Oh dear and I so wanted some donuts. Now I won't be able to go to walmart without dying of laughter and probably getting glares from the bakery wreckerators. I know they hide in the back I just know it. That poor poor frog cake. Cannot stop laughing at it no matter what I do.
Please add the "up / down" thumbs - so we can "vote" on comments - they are so wonderful too!
Hafta admit - CSI did not come to my mind either, glad I'm not the only one with Twin Peaks theme song running through my head now.
Happy Madagascar Nipple Cake to everyone! Drive safe!
Okay, that last one has T-Shirt potential all over it. "I don't know what it is, but it's angry and it has a guitar" could easily be the next "Happy Faulker Satherhood".
Also, I think the angry guitar thing bears a strong resemblance to Calcifer - the fire demon from Howl's Moving Castle.