Thursday
Jul222010
Wrecky Roughage
July 22, 2010 According to this survey I'm about to make up, 74% of us don't get enough fiber in our diets. Unless you're British. In which case you don't get enough fibre. And you spell things wrong.
Fortunately, the bakeries of the world are here to help.
I think we'll call this Faeber.I DO believe in Faeber. I do, I do!!
TRUE STORY: Last week our cat Tonks decided to eat a piece of ribbon because she is, by all accounts, an idiot. Now if you're a cat owner, you know that she will most likely end up dragging a two foot piece of poo-coated ribbon across our carpet while we sleep, blissfully unaware of the impending cleaning bills.
Which makes me wonder: Does the same thing happen with kids?
Admit it: you just had a mental image of a bunch of toddlers scootching their butts across the carpet.Now, of course, if plastic is your fiber of choice, then have I got a cake for you!
It's like a cartoon colonic.
In fact, bakers really seem to be embracing the Dollar Depot movement: (Heh. "Movement.") Case in point: Ashley ordered a little boy's cake, something appropriate for a first birthday.
Aaaand this is what she got:
...'cuz nothing's more appropriate for a one-year-old than twenty-two individual choking opportunities."No, Palmer, Sweetie, you can't eat that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. No! Not that! Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Whoah! Definitely not that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Maybe th...no, not that, either.
"Or that."
Diana F., Kasia R., Wicked Princess, & Ashley P., I think the brown sprinkles might be safe, if you want to chance it.Update from john: Just so we're clear, we are watching Tonks 24/7 and the minute something seems off, we'll take out a second mortgage and head to the vet. Until then, if you need me, I'll just be over here sifting poop...
Reader Comments (129)
are you SURE that last cake was professionally done? I mean, if you can look past all the flotsam (which, I'll admit is a challenge in and of itself), the icing job is TERRIBLE. It's not even remotely smooth!
So does the Dora cake say, "Happy Birthday From This Many"? I can see that. "This Many" pieces of plastic choking hazards.
I agree with Trevor. Most of these wreckerators seem to be using the flotsam to disguise their lack of skill.
Which, to be fair, makes them better than most wreckerators. At least they know.
wv: inita "Inita little something right here to hide that last bit of icing."
what is the inscription on plastic crap cake? the one with Dora...
The third one says, "From this Gang"? What gang? I heard gangs had some brutal initiations but this is downright evil!
That last cake has enough plastic flotsam to choke a horse, let alone a 1 year old...
OMG
I just had a vision of the wreckerator curling the ribbon for that cake with the same pair of scissors they use to cut open the pesky plastic wrap from the raw meat in the butcher section. Bleck.
And poor Snoopy. He seems rather surprised to be included in the cartoon orgy of the third cake ...
ribbons, cats/toddlers, and poo... laughing so hard i am crying! thank goodness i am making my son's 1st birthday cake on saturday...no flotsam allowed (of course, it won't be "professional" - but at least he'll be able to eat it).
btw, i can ~kind of~ understand the dora cake...they wanted to make sure that every kid got a piece of plastic.
That last cake seems to be every mother's solution to choosing a theme for the party - I can count at least 4-5 different themes happening on that cake. And for that, they should be congratualted, and then flogged for cake ruining.
And that whole ribbon/cat scenario - it actually happened with my dog . . . (now i'm trying to remove the images of trailing poo ribbons)
1. I love that your cat is named Tonks.
2. The poo-coated ribbon imagery is hysterical.
3. I don't have anything clever to say but a good list should have at least three items.
Americans spell it wrong. There is a reason it's called English.
The boy's name is Palmer?!?! Palmer!
Oh God, a few weeks ago my weird little dog ate fabric ribbon, dust, more fabric, and barfed it all up on the floor. I didn't know until my mom walked by in the living room and said:
"WTH!?!"
really loudly. It looked like fire damaged then soaked in water old newspaper.
Um, looking closely at that ribbon cake it appears a toddler has already scooched its butt across it... a mathematical toddler with a love of geometry, perhaps ...
Does the last cake say "Happy 11st Birthday Palmer"? 11st????
The centre of the issue here is really that fibre is especially important for you in the cold winter months.
That said, the colourful menagerie of plastic on these cakes makes me think of my favourite Carribean vacation towel.
*wink*
signed,
~ One of your many honourable Canadian fans
My favorite part of the last cake is the good town-folk who is headed to kill the checkered flag with his pitchfork.
wv - demid: dey put de flotsam on demid of de cake, not de side.
That post actually made me laugh so hard that I started crying. Thanks.
Again. I'm speechless for a moment. But then, English being English, and we are Americans... do we speak American?
#1 - Quite the fairy gathering there. Nuff said.
#2 - I think the answer to the toddler question is - yes.
Seriously - black, dark blue and dark purple. Rather festive for a goth cake, with all that fancy ribbon, no?
#3 - "Cartoon colonic" *snort* Dang, another glass of energy drink wasted on a computer screen.
#4 - Maybe it's these old eyes, but I'm having a hard time reading "Happy 11st birthday"?? Are there TWO 1's in that? What IS the line in front of 1st?
Overall - the cakes remind me of birthdays long past children who each demanded a piece of flotsam as a party favor. These decorators MUST have been asked to provide enough to go around for the entire neighborhood. Please? Please tell me there really is a reason?
~~Di
WV - pinses -- the Little Birthday Pinces asked for all her fairy court to have their own piece of fibre to take home from the party.
The cat thing made me lose my appetite, and I'm on a diet, so that's a pretty hard thing to do.
Mustangsabby,
I actually laughed out loud.
Very rare.
john
...Let me just take this opportunity to say I *adore* this blog's ability to consistently truly crack me up! I'm glad someone else understands the unfortunate trailing ribbon/hair/whatever phenomenon that occurs with cats. And... "scootch" is an awesome word.
Wow these hurt my eyes and my feelings! lol
I think the extra line in front of the 1 on that last cake... look closely. It looks like they drew a bubble number one. For some reason I can't fathom. It IS probably a 1, because you can see how the shapes are connected. Though it looks more like a tetris piece than a number.
I think my favorite part of that last cake is the guy wielding a pitchfork like a weapon. How is that in ANY way age appropriate? Hope that decorator doesn't have children. EVER.
The Hershey Kisses are still wrapped on the Tinker Bell cake. How about the mental imagery of the year the dog got into the bag of Kisses and ate them, foil & all. After panicked calls to the emergency vet, he survived, and for days afterwards we enjoyed the way the foil bits made his poo sparkle in the sunshine.
WV: Nashth - Some cakes are just nasth.
Dear Jen: Yes, the same thing happens with kids. Many a mother has opened a diaper to find... let's say she has to finish the job. OK, this is a food blog so I will leave it at that.
I have never seen a cake with so much decoration on it. Usually you just see 1 or 2, but 22? for a 1 year old?? now that is insane.
-Coffee Bean
As the mother of 2 preschoolers, I was shocked to see Dora the Explorer and Handy Manny on the same cake. Crossing the streams, man! Not right!
One of my cats, Pete, swallowed two feet of ribbon once, and no, it did not result in ribbon laced with poo across the floor. Instead it resulted is $1000 vet bill for the surgery to remove it. Dogs and people, according to my vet at the time, can pass anything (presumably even the odd plastic toy) but cats cannot. String and ribbon have since been banned from my house.
With that second cake, I'm picturing Hal Jordan losing his mind, donning all those rings at once, and destroying the Green Lantern Corps. And Dora, and Spongebob, and Snoopy, and...
You do know that when the kids eat the ribbons, their butts will look like those ribbon streamers that used to hang from bike handles.
My dog ate an entire tree full of tinsel (also an idiot) and that's what her butt looked like one morning!
My cat liked to floss with silver Christmas icicles, leaving a very shiny litter box/butt to clean.
From This Gang? Can't go wrong with this theme...just pick one!
Last cake...just SO wrong on so many levels. "Just make sure you have 911 on speed dial."
Ugly green camo, severed head and feet,
Heavy on the sprinkles, isn't that a treat?
Barbie, poo, and belly, gangsta, meat,
Hide it with flotsam, they'll think that's neat!
Singin'
We will, we will wreck you!
We will, we will wreck you!
Sharon's Edible Art
Seriously. What is it with cats and ribbon? Although I have to admit it makes for a funny surprise when cleaning the litter box.
well said Mustangsabby
and "shurely" (an in joke, not bad spelling) the word you were grasping for was "wrongly"....it's an adverb, as in how it was spelt, not an adjective, as in describing "it"
but that apart i enjoy the cake wrecks
My theory is that the founders of American English were slightly dislexic as are many of the wreckerators. It would explain a lot.
BTW I adore that you named your cat Tonks. That really is a great cat name.
That first cake looks like a fairy flash-mob.
PinkAsphaltMama - the best description of that phenomenom I've heard is 'Faberge poo'!
Ian,
I believe, in this case, both wrong and wrongly are correct. However, wrongly sounds awkward and cumbersome.
Example:
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrongly?
See? Both adverbs but one sounds kinda dumb. Just saying...
john
The pitchfork wielding citizen is nice, but I prefer the lady clown/circus performer who is assisting planes to land. The race car, dump truck, boat, and earth-moving equipment are insufficient; a plane is needed.
What is the large blue object at the front of the cake? A surfboard? A sarcophagus?
MariaTeresa
.
Hi Lynn,
Trevor used ginger for fibre and colour.
The King's English: confusing children for hundreds of years.™
john
1) Perhaps the flotsam was needed to cover up your icing ineptitude....
2) Why would you put that crap on a cake for a one year old?!?
and
3) What were you thinking? Does that actually look good to you? I would hate to see what your HOME looks like!!! Yikes!
You ARE the weakest link - Goodbye!
Remember when that guy posted the flickr stream of the party he had where everyone brought something with which to decorate the cake? And he kept a running tally on a whiteboard behind it? The last cake reminds me of that. Except it's not a joke.
It should not take longer to remove plastic crap off a cake than it does to actually consume said baked good.
By the way, does the bakery provide a count of how many plastic items are on the cake so the buyer can make sure they are all off before eating? The fairy cake has odd greenery as well as a convention full of Tinkerbell clones. Do they supply a scrub nurse with each cake to keep count?
Haven't laugh this much in quite a while. Thanks.
Your cat's name is Tonks? I love you guys.
Nice. I read this post just as I was having lunch.
Thanks for the imagery.
-French Bean
Oh oh, my grandson took a party opportunity to scootch across the kitchen floor, saying "Look mom, I am doing the Nini" - the cat's gracious move. They both most have ingested lots of ribbon. So glad you explained it all so well.
Norine
@Anon 10:07- that's the first thing I noticed about that one too.
first, thank you so much for the hystericality that is cake wrecks!
second, please don't let (g)your cats chew/eat/swallow strings or ribbons or yarn. it can get twisted in the intestines, which can end either a) espensively or b) poorly. (sorry. it's a little peeve of mine.)
resume the hilarity!
funniest.post.ever!!!
It's not spelt wrong - just DIFFERENT!!! :P