Bakeries From Beyond
January 25, 2010 John and I like to watch those ghost shows on TV. You know, the ones with the frat boys bellowing challenges into empty rooms, and then running and screaming like little girls because "Something just touched me, dude! I swear!" Yeah. Those ones.
We also like the ghost gadget guys, who get unreasonably excited measuring things I've never heard of, and spend a lot of time trying to convince us that a bit of static contains some other-worldly message, like "monkey nuts."
Anyway, I got to thinking: what if these shows did a bakery edition? Eh?
"Our intrepid crew pays a visit to the most haunted bakery in the entire world. Has Jumpy Jen and her crew of ragtag Wrecktators bitten off more than they can chew? Or will they earn their just desserts in this poltergeist-packed patisserie?"[squeaky voice] "Well, we definitely sense a presence in the walk-in fridge..."
"...and strange things happen to our cakes overnight."
"Plus, customers are always complaining that they feel like they're being watched."
Announcer: "Soon, the Wrecktators are making shocking discoveries of their own!"
"So first, the electrojiggahiemers were off the scale, and then we found THIS in our photos of the display counter. This could be the evidence of Wreckage after death we've been looking for!"Plus...
Frat Boy: "Hey, ghosties! I bet you couldn't pipe your way out of a paper bag! Yeah, and your bakery is ugly, too! You call this a window display?"
"Why don't you do something scary for once? Huh? In fact, I'm not going anywhere until you PROVE to me that...uh...
"Dude, what was that?"
"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!!"Romina B., Mimi P., Andrea, Tim E., Nicole M., Jennifer H., & Bea V., dudes, I think something just touched me.
- Related Wreckage: 9 Out of 10 Child Psychologists Agree...
Reader Comments (104)
Why, oh why, would you think it was a good idea to put that last one in a display window?? Let alone even make it. Yikes.
Wait. What's up w/the murder cakes? Is that two cakes in the window display? Front and back? What the . . .? Who thought that was a good idea????? Somebody call CSI.
Oh. my. goodness. Words quite literally fail me! I feel lightheaded . . . must be from all the blood.
Eeeeeekkkkkkkk! Runs screaming from the room, waving hands in the air!
WV: jaumplav These cakes would make any frat guy jaumplav a screaming idiot!
BWAAHAAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! That was freaking awesome! I too am a fan of those shows (I especially like the one with the skinny white kid that doesn't know how to wear his visor).
To all who wonder,
The tale of the last two cakes is long and sordid. Prepare to be stunned! Hide your children!
The cake was in the window of a Bergdorf or something for a reeealy long time. So they decided to retire it and thought this would be an appropriate way.
OOOOOOHHH!!!!
Um yeah. So that was neither long nor sordid but it's all about the lead-up.
Wreck On!
john
EEEEWWWW! I clicked on the 5th picture for a better view (bad idea) and there's a dead bug on the glass serving dish!!! Guess the cake killed it.
I.... I... I want to animate this post to creepy music and over the top voice acting.
Cake Wrecks meets Ghost Adventures! LOVE IT!!!!
Oh my gosh! You got me! I was wondering "what is the matter with the wedding dress cake? It isn't so bad.... is it?"
scroll down...
OH MY GOODNESS! Ok, I get it now. ;-)
Wow!
I'm now scarred for life! lol
Oh... my... word... that was freakin' hilarious!
And thanks John for sharing the anecdote behind the last cake. Clearly these bakers have an interesting (if somewhat gory) sense of humor.
Totally agree with you regarding the frat boys. Whether real or not...leave that stuff alone!
DUDE, RUN!!!!!!!!! hahaha I am a huge Ghost Hunters fan.
Love the last cake rofl If they had one that looked like a groom with a knife sticking out, I would buy it!
hahahahaha I love this post.
I actually kind of like the fourth cake. It has a vaguely Miyazaki cuteness to it. But unless it is actually supposed to be some sort of Shinto spirit or videogame creature, I have no idea why someone would make it in the first place...
holy cow, that was so crazy
wv: atervee
atervee saw these scary cakes, the poltergeist decided to move on to the local donut shop instead
Dude, what was that? A divorce cake in a window display?
I can't think of any other explanation, bro.
Great post, dude. My spectral speak-n-spell cricketed out that it was funny, which clearly means the cake spirits are trying to get me off guard with laughter. I'm not falling for that. No sir. Nuh-uh...
What was that? Did I just capture the sound of buttercream passing through an ancient piping tip to spell out someone's name incorrectly on a birthday cake. I'll have to investigate further.
I like the subtle creepiness of first cake, except for the fact it's beige, except for the fact it's beige with purple asters.
I think cake #2 disturbs me the most! That thing has what looks like its throat cut, and yet it continues to smile and stare with those bloodshot eyes. Oh wait, those are roses??
SHUDDER!!!!
"...poltergeist-packed patisserie?" You are in fine form today! I love the stabbed-and-bleeding cake. I wonder how often bakers fantasize about doing exactly that.
Girl, I swear we are twins separated at birth! Thanks for the giggles each morning. "There are 3 stripes of frosting. That's DEMONIC!" (sigh)
I am stupidly excited that a picture I took is up here.
@ryglights - yep, we had the exact same thought! Can't believe they were trying to sell the thing.
ha! i spent a good chunk of saturday watching "creepy" ghost shows with over the top voice overs and the noises on the evp that they said sounded like breathing but really sounded like someone putting their finger over the mic.
That's the little bakery down the street from my office...! We loved how festive they got at Halloween, most especially the bride cake transformation - it's not very clear from the picture, but there was a bloody handprint on the dress as well if memory serves...
My favourite cupcake there(raspberry) was decorated with a little brain gummi candy, complete with dripping 'blood' decoration - it made me laugh, and was absolutely delicious. Now I wish I had thought to take a picture of it!
Hahaha! Despite its violent death, now that they've given that dress a proper funeral, I'm sure it won't bother them ever again!
Actually, the smaller cake next to it looked a little bit like the cake we were *supposed* to have at our wedding (and not like the one we actually GOT, of course). It made me so angry to see it, I almost could've knifed that dress myself. *Almost.*
OK, not quite, but still...
Just so you know... I imagined Mike Rowe's voice doing the narration.
Loved, loved, loved the last one. Too funny. I'm all about the macabre.
That second cake looks sad- not scary-to me.
Haha, nice. I was actually on one of those shows. It was called "Real Scary Stories" at the time (later renamed, "Scary, But True"). Both titles are a tad misleading, because there wasn't much "real" or "true" about it. But, it was pretty fun being on TV :-)
I love the stabbed bride cake! I think I'll make a mini version and celebrate another year of freedom!!!
This was brilliance. The only thing that could have topped it would have been a mockumentary-style video of the whole experience. Jen, have you ever considered doing a web show?
A wedding massacre cake, how Tarantino of them!
The commentary has given me a bad case of the giggles, I watch those shows too.
LOL! john (the hubby of Jen), I dont't think I'd want to be retired from Bergdorf's if that's what they do, talk about work incentive. Yeah, we're going to slather bloody red frosting all over you & display you in a window for a day...actually that sounds either like a bizarre party or kinda kinky, I'll stop now, you're right, it is sordid tale.
This post is HILARIOUS!
...that said, maybe I have a really really weird sense of 'cute', but I just wanna hug and squish and take care of that adorable Kirby-looking pink one.
the worst part about the last one is that there is a gorgeous cake next to the crazy death one!! clearly someone in the bakery has talent, and that person should be promoted to window display designer!!
OMG ... the cake that sends a message!
Your blog site gives me my daily laugh, thanks!
I'm an absolute addict to all those silly ghost shows. Loved your take on today's cakes!!!
geeez! that big ol' butcher knife plowed into that wedding dress cake is almost overkill. yikes!
i too saw the fly on wreck #5. not sure if he's dead though. i'd have to put my nurse hat on to be sure.
Mmm... Strawberry stigmata!
I kinda like the first one with it's oozy blood drips. Just the right amount!
Hey cake #5? I'm not sure exactly what you are, but your fly is down.
The last two photos...wow. Headless versions of the "brides who have no taste" body cakes. Maybe they should have marketed that as a divorce cake for the men?
wv: dingto
These cakes all have more then a dingto correct before they'll sell
Great post!! I love the Ghost Hunters show! I wonder how much Steve would offer Tango to eat that 5th cake?!?
Wait..... did you hear that?
That was brilliant!
Of all the ghostly shows, I dislike the one most where they shout aggressively at the alleged spirits. Yeah, kids, let's go in and piss off a ghost in his own home. I tell ya, when I kick off and start haunting a place...
"Hey, we heard you've been haunting this place... Frat guy One, get the laptop out, bring up that site about the cakes. I heard this one likes that place... There! We've got your favorite website up... it SUCKS! Show yourself or we'll start criticizing it more!"
They couldn't show that episode because I'd destroy them. ;)
BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAA Jenn, you are hilarious!!!! I love this blog!!!
:::camera cuts to The Cowardly Lion on his knees::: I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I do I do I DO!!!!
LOL nice one guys, what's with the bleeding cake epidemic anyway, did I miss a memo?;)
I am in love with all of those shows. It is actually very entertaining to watch them freak out.
I would totally watch Bakeries From Beyond :)
Okay, the No. 3 cake reminds me of that commercial for, I think, American Express that shows "smiley" faces everywhere (glad they didn't find this to put in the commercial!)
And the "dead fly" cake... is it me, or did the decorator hold the tip upside down to make those roses???
I believe that the wreckerator of the piggy head cake used two snouts and an eye instead of two eyes and a snout.
"And this little piggy goes sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze all the way home."
This is a hilarious post, Jen. First off, I can't stand those shows; everything is so darned fake. But your satire is right on spot! Thanks again for your wonderful blog. I never miss it!
eileen
I am a ghost hunter and I freakin' loved this post!! And no, I normally don't shout obscenities in empty rooms, but I do get excited about our geeky equipment going off. :o)
-Steph
what kind of person orders a bleeding cake?
the hairy ghostball is cute, but why? what is the purpose of it?
the smiley face cake has a slit throat. creepy.
did anyone notice on the old/burnt/moldy cake withthe ghost images that cake was impaled with a dirty blue STRAW??? WTF???
and the last cake looks like it's intention if for a divorce commemoration (I daren't say "celebration") cake, ordered by the angry ex-husband, of course.
wv: tringli--the creepy feeling you get from these cakes.
2nd try wv: onsfiery--what a German speaking person would describe his the feeling his hemhorroids have on his bum.