Who Cut the Cheese?
July 30, 2009 That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"
Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:
[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!" So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?
Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!
What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?
Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:
Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:
The question is, can you tell which layer is which?Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!
- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty
Reader Comments (280)
what can I say that others haven't said? nothing! they're all right. wedding cheese instead of wedding cake. It's a shame, I didn't even see crackers to go with the cheese!! or wine (like vintage or something)! what's up with that? (sorry i'm a little buzzed right now! mmm... moscato wine yummy)
i actually like the look of them!! i think they look rustic. i do prefer the taste of cake though.
pityacker....
humility - get you some.
My fiance doesn't like cake. In fact, he doesn't really like ANY desserts except for this stuff called Russian Cream and the occasional cookie. It's a trait he shares with most of his family. I do like dessert and I love cakes, so we're having one, but I really don't see what the problem with this concept is, aside from several of the above being poorly presented. Cheese is delicious!
now the question is: how many crackers do they need to serve with that 'cake'?
I worked as a waitress at big events when I lived in England, and those events included weddings. The cheese cake that's made of a bunch of layers of cheese? I thought/hoped/made mental prayer deals with whatever deity that listened that it was just a trend in England. Clearly not the case. Yikes.
Making it even worse, it was just... cheese. No bread. No crackers. Nothing to go with it. People lined up at the serving table to get a hunk of cheese. Failtastic.
I'm sorry but there's absolutely nothing wrong with cheese as opposed to cakes. It may be heresy to post this here but cheese is wonderful and not everybody has an incredibly sweet tooth - in fact, some people positively dislike sweet things (and those of you drawing in breath sharply might like to consider the state of your teeth). After all the rich food at a wedding, I'd be happy enough with a rich cheese board to finish. I wonder if your attitude has to do with the fact that American cheese is generally horrible? And, BTW, you go on about tradition but the tradition of cakes and all the silly fussiness you see at modern weddings is about a century or so old at best. Tradition my a***.
mmmm - that turned out snottier than I intended. Still in defense of cheese I must ride out. I usually really enjoy your blog too. Pax.
Hey guys,
I honestly have to wonder if you guys have any sense of humor at all.
john
at first I saw "wedding cheese cake wreck" and thought "WTF is wrong with a wedding cheesecake?"
then I saw the pictures.
I was all set to defend them, but ugh. stinky cheese? holy heck.
BTW, I had a "Cheesecake Wedding Cake". Honest to goodness sweet baked cheesecake. And got tonnes of compliments on doing it "different".
Er - the USA is not without it's fantastic non-whiz, non-"American-singles" cheese. And I love a good cheese. I just don't think it's dessert. LOL! More like, mmmm....a course BETWEEN dinner and dessert. drooool.
Oh - and cheese isn't always paired with bread or crackers. Fruit is a fantastic accompaniment as well. Well, and wine.
It's funny to see people who tell us "brash, brutish, crass" Americas to "get culture" while ironically being woefully undereducated about the culture in the USA.
Jen, Jen is sarcastic, ohhh Jen,
Jen is fantastic, ooohhhh
Squiggles and sprinkles
Frosting and flames
Jeeennn, the cake is outrageous, truly, truly, truly, outrageous
Whoa ohhh, it might be contagious, contagious,
Jen is her name, and cake is her game,
Jen is her name! Jen!
with that last pork pie one... I'm assuming that the pork pie was the top layer because it looks like pastry... so I wouldn't be keeping the top layer to eat on your 1st anniversary for luck... How romantic would it be to spend a night in the emergency room getting your stomach pumped??
Hahahaha, we had a 'cheese' cake at our wedding. We couldn't get rid of it, we ended up throwing most of it away there was so much!
A variety of cheeses at your wedding? Sure, go for it.
Stacked like a cake? Well, ok, if you must...
Instead of a cake? ... Are you insane?!?
Nom nom nom, cheese. Good cheese is so expensive, and so delicious -- I would totally go to those weddings just to have some! And fondant sounds gross, anyway. :P
THAT should be illegal. I hope the Bride & Groom were pelted with cheeseballs until bruised. I would SOOOO take my gift back.
Hmm.
Loathe though I am to disagree with your fabulously entertaining blog, I have to assert that, what with cheese being *the most amazing foodstuff in the world*, there is nothing wrong with having a tastefully selected an arranged 'tier of cheeses'-type setup for one's wedding.
Some of the pictured ones are reet ugly though, I'll give you thatmuch.
Easily some of the most delicious cakes I've seen on this blog :D
There is a tradition that the 'single ladies' at the wedding sleep with a slice of cake under their pillow to dream of their future husband.
Sleeping with cake under pillow = romantic.
Sleeping with cheese under pillow = revolting at best...
Anyone else think the groom figure on the first cheese wheel cake looks a bit like a 70's Elton John? sideburns, glasses...? No?
Everybody who's so down on the cheese wheels should hope the couple tries to order their cake from National Cheese Emporium. (google it if you don't get it)
I'm not a huge cheese fan, but I wouldn't throw a hissy if that's what my beloved family member or friend chose for their special day, I would simply politely decline to partake. I really can't believe the shallowness of some people on here, making it about themselves or material issues. If you're being sarcastic, it's far from obvious.
(I'm an American, FWIW)
WV: juduc. What a Hebrew does when you throw a cheese wheel at him (or her)
I'm sure plenty of people have already said this, but I freakin' love cheese. I think that's a really cute idea - though I agree that the aesthetic of these particular "cheese....cakes" leaves much to be desired.
I would recommend doing a cheese....cake with kind of a rustic theme...maybe put a basket on the bottom, and rather than trying to doll it up and cute-i-fy it, just put some grapes and grape leaves, and on top, two baby pears. (Get it? The perfect.............PEAR.) OH SNAP, it's two - two- two puns in one!
Nasty. I can almost smell those cakes from here. Too funky for me. ;) xx
I'm sure there is still dessert at these weddings. If I ever had a big showy wedding, I want would have a cake made of cheese, and lots of pies and chocolate and ice cream for dessert!
maybe next to my amazing cake made of cheese, I'll put a fruitcake covered in fondant with the words "obligatory wedding cake" piped on, just to make everyone happy. of course there would still be a real desert. maybe creme brulee?
I am getting married to a man raised in a cheese maker family. His mother insists that we have one of these cheese wedding cakes made with their cheese. I am not saying no because it will be free and tasty... just a little odd
Wallace and Grommit might like it, "We'll go somewhere where there's cheese"
when trying to "pretty things up" as you put it, one would think they could 'ice' it with cream cheese before sticking the flowers on it.
You sad, provincial, deprived little souls! Meat pies are delicious, and a good family dinner because you can cram them with vegetables and dare anyone to complain. And cheese for dessert is a time-honored tradition, though, as one of my favorite cookbooks says, "it's a bit like Paradise Lost in that people think they *ought* to like it more than they do.
I do agree that you ought to have a real cake along with your giant lump of cheese, though. I mean, cakefiends haunt weddings and everybody knows it, you're just being cruel.
OMG those actual cheeses look AMAZING. Personally, I would actually way rather get my excess calories in amazing cheeses than in cake. OK, so they look a little odd... but they LOOK DELICIOUS!!!
I have never met a cheese I didn't like (of course, I don't actually call "American Cheese" cheese... anything with OIL as its main ingredient is not cheese... American is the cupcake-cake of cheese-land), but even *I* would have to say, at the very least have a *cake* cake on the side for those that don't want a slice of literal "cheese cake".